Black Girl in Maine

Musings of a black woman living in the nation's whitest state

Black Girl in Maine - Musings of a black woman living in the nation's whitest state

Category Archives: Writing Life

Creativity under pressure…coming soon, an e-book!

It seems that in less than two weeks when I cross over to my fourth decade of life, I will be celebrating another milestone; five years as a blogger. In blog world that almost feels like a lifetime, granted by blog standards, I am most likely middle aged. In my five years of active blogging and the seven years since I have discovered the world of blogs, the digital landscape has most certainly changed.

Back when I started this crazy space, most bloggers were simply people with something to say, information to share, stories to tell. The concept of blogging as a way to generate income was largely relegated to a select few. Sure, you could put up a tip jar if you had a situation or enough readers, or maybe some ads but it wasn’t the business and industry that it has become. Considering that a few days ago, I cleaned out 1400 emails from my blog email account, trust me, the game has changed.

The downside of that change both as a whole and for me personally is that I am always mindful of what I write. In my earlier posts, I would prattle on without a thought in the world. Of course, back in 2008, I only had a handful of readers at best. So truly I was just talking to myself and a few friends and family members.  Yet, upon entering the mom-o-sphere of bloggers since being discovered by “that” list, suddenly my sacred space was no longer sacred. Almost any known blogger can tell you, that there are people who sit around waiting to catch bloggers slipping or for any inconsistencies in their stories and in some cases relish the opportunity to put them on blast. It’s messy stuff and I have been fortunate that to a large degree I continue in my little corner of the world. No need to wait for me to get messy, I fully own my messy. Which is why a post like this is hard even for me because it requires a level of vulnerability that I am no longer comfortable expressing publicly.

For the past several weeks, I have been working on a project that was inspired by my old college adviser. After years of lamenting how I want to write a book, she pointed out that with 5 years and almost 900 blog posts, I have written a book, and this space is more than the size of a full length manuscript. I went back through my archives and realized that she was right; I have written more than a book here, hell, it’s several books of material. So I have been working on breaking things down into themes and long story short turning the first three years of my blogging into an e-book that I was hoping to have ready to go by March 1.

However the recent turn of events means I need to rethink my plan, since the reality is that to do the things I need to do including visiting my dad and dealing with his situation requires cold hard cash. I am finally out of debt and in a relatively stable place financially and I am not interested in messing that up. But as member of the sandwich generation with one kid in college and an aging father, it means it doesn’t take much to take my plans for stability and turn them on their head.  Which means I need to create an additional revenue stream like yesterday!  So I am working on a mini e-book that I will have up and ready for purchase within the next two weeks. It’s a collection of posts that have been cleaned up and focus on the themes of race and class from the lens of my thirty five year old self. At over 22,000 words and still in a stage two rough draft, it’s a quick read but not too quick and gives readers the ease of reading my work in one continuous read. I have added new insights, so it’s not a complete re-hashing of what has been on the blog forever.

The e-book will be available by donation, there may be a minimum suggested donation of $3 though I am leaning towards a pay what you feel deal and will trust that it all works out in the end. It will be in a downloadable PDF format.  The old saying that necessity is the mother of invention is true, though it might be more accurate to say that necessity is making me get creative under pressure.  Creativity under pressure is hard but at the same time this process is something that I have wanted to do, so the universe just gave me a kick in the ass via my Dad.

So, I would be honored if you decide to purchase a copy of my musings and if anyone does so before the official release date of February 4, you will get a little extra gift for your support.

Phew, that was hard.

PS: No pressure but a reader just  informed me that finding the link to pre-order wasn’t easy to find, so I am including it in this post.




It’s a small world now….

Thanks to the ever changing world of technology and social media, it’s become clear that there is no such thing as “six degrees of separation.” Frankly, I think it’s one-two degrees of separation at best. This point was brought home to me a few days ago when I learned that a local follower of mine on twitter had attended the same college as the Man Unit. Granted, the Man Unit’s alma mater is very well known for its journalism program but it is in the Midwest and we are in New England. In a case of how small the world really is, it turns out that this woman had not only attended the same program as my husband but they actually had in the same graduating class and once I told her who my husband was, she knew who he was. Talk about a holy smokes the world is small moment.

Lately I have found myself thinking about how small the world is as readership of this space grows.  I am still amazed when someone in my local offline life tells me that they have read some of my work. Offline I actually don’t talk about my writing life. Until recently, I kept my career as a non-profit administrator separate from my blogging and writing hobby (possible second career), but in recent months that has proven harder to do as local papers here in the state of Maine have spoken with me on various issues. Some months back, a well-known Maine journalist tracked me down for some of my insights and a day after his piece ran, I found myself in a yoga class with a several people who had read not only my thoughts from the other writer’s piece but who had looked up my writings.

Last night, I came across a piece from a writer I admire on twitter, who had a friendly rant about how there is no separation between our online lives and our offline lives. The internet is here to stay and gone are the days when you can hide behind a fake photo and name and say whatever you want without it eventually being connected to you. I agree.

It’s one of the reasons that despite many well-meaning people suggesting, I tamp down my online hijinks or at the very least use locked accounts, I refuse to. For starters, I live in a small rural state and being online allows me better networking opportunities than I have available to me offline at the moment. Then there is that pesky fact that as a transplant who is over 30, meeting people is just hard. A decade here and while I know of a lot of people, I really have few people locally that I consider friends and the slightly sad fact is I met most of those people through online ventures, namely a now defunct local parenting discussion board. Lastly, I enjoy being online, it doesn’t interfere with my offline life. The day job gets done, the family is tended to, everyone’s needs are met, so why not?

I admit it is slightly unsettling to know that local people are reading read my work, but it actually means they are getting a chance to know me. Too often, we only see people in one dimensional ways often based on what they do for a living. Here, I strive for honesty at all times and if it offends, that’s okay too.

The world is an increasingly small place and no matter how some of us feel about that, no longer are our lives neatly compartmentalized. You don’t get be one person online and another offline and as uncomfortable as that feels it is reality. It means we all have to be a lot more intentional about who we are especially online since in this brave new world, even seemingly unrelated things such as jobs have been lost because of the disconnect in our lives. As crazy as it is, I am not sure that is a bad thing. In the past I have been told I over share, at least online, trust me there is nothing that I say in any space that I wouldn’t admit or share publicly.

It’s a small world now and it’s getting smaller yet it’s a great chance to define or redefine ourselves and be intentional and authentic in that process. So if you do nothing else in 2013, my two cents of advice is to be intentional in all that you do.

Social Niceties Aren’t Always All That Nice…by a BGIM fan

Today’s post is written a by a special guest who asked to write anonymously, but believe me this is a writer I just adore and I am honored that this space can be the safe space she needs to tell her truth…

 

I just got back from a baby shower and my skin is crawling. I need a cup of coffee and a moment, or hell even an afternoon, to myself.

And I guess I need a bit of a bitch session.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I support baby showers. In theory. It’s wonderful to get together and support a family during a time of need and (usually) a time of rejoicing. It’s often one of the few community events where kids mill amongst the general population. Busy women find a reason, excuse, and time to get together. There’s always great food of course. So in a perfect world, baby showers would be fantastic.

But in a perfect world, they might be a little different too. For instance, as per usual they are often women-only (which explains why kids are there). If a man attends he is praised up and down and probably taken in the back and sexually serviced – all in sycophantic appreciation he cares about the world of women and the business of babies. Because women are expected to care, and to participate (which probably sucks for some women, too). I’m all for all-women’s gatherings and I arrange them often, but it is annoying that baby showers and the entire care of babies themselves are always labeled as ladies’ concerns and even disparaged as femme-in-a-bad-way, mocked by men – and by women who are down with the patriarchy.

But that’s just how it is. I want to support women, but the whole thing is a double-edged sword because gender gets performed in a big way and sometimes it does my head in.
First – and I realize my experiences are going to reflect my upbringing and culture – there’s the enormous, oppressive, tacit but quite well-understood series of edicts to behave – like a lady. Don’t say certain words, don’t bring up certain subjects, pretend you like everyone and everything, and above all (this is the worst), praise praise praise. Praise how every woman looks. Praise their kids. Praise their job (if they work for pay), praise them if they stay home. Praise how the food tastes. Praise the housekeeping of the hostess. Praise every gift even if frankly, you don’t like it. I’m reminded of that article in “The Onion”, about women getting together and “validating the living shit out of one another”. Are we women so bottomless we must constantly rehearse this? Anyone in the room self-validated enough they’d rather be present for the event than making nice like a bunch of socialite parrots? Anyone else NOT want to say a bunch of white lies all for the sake of Feminized Performance Art?
Another example of the social nicety thing. This shower was rather large – the guest of honor probably opened forty gifts. All the gift-givers were there, and of course the recipient thanked them all individually. But next to her a friend faithfully wrote down every gift alongside who brought it. You get this? This soon-to-be mother with her – trust me – already very full and busy life is now going to go home and then RE-thank everyone by writing out these cards and hunting addresses and sending them out. Who needs a Thank You card after an in-person thank you? Not me. If she felt she had to do this card thing, and if she had any sense, she’d have the baby’s father do it. Yeah, right! What’s likely to happen is she’ll put it off, knowing her. And knowing her, each day that ticks by, she’ll feel more anxious and guilty about not getting those cards out.
Then there’s the diet, fat, and body talk. Put me at one of these things and I am shocked (though I shouldn’t be) at all of the, “Oooooh I can’t eat that” and then, “Oh but it’s SO DELICIOUS and it’s made with low-fat cream cheese!” and “Oh so-and-so you are looking SO THIN” and a dozen, maybe a hundred, variations of women self- (and therefore, other-) policing about what they can eat and why and how much and why their bodies personally don’t satisfy them and how fat they are, et cetera. You listen at most women’s gatherings and it’s all about their bodies. Very self-absorbed. I understand this is a sensitive issue and I’m not blaming women for their own body image issues precisely (because, hello, patriarchy), just saying watching a pack of women doing this in front of their young daughters (and sons) sets my teeth on edge.
Then there’s the social climbing. This is one of the worst for me and I don’t even know why. At this event we had a personage or two with a famous name, a few famous locally and one famous regionally. And these supposed socially-connected women were treated differently – and better, and with more fawning and praise – then the other women there. It wasn’t subtle. It was obvious. It made me wonder how many other women felt their presence, and their gifts – and their children and their lives – were sub-par in some way.
Then there’s the garden-variety annoyances that probably just come with most gatherings and are likely particularly annoying to me, not necessarily others. I had women snatching at my clothes (out of supposed admiration for them). I got to hear one hostess complain about how overwhelming it was to plan the event. And those baby shower games. Christ. I’m sure lots of people enjoy them, more power to you. Some of them are fun, but many of them are inane and some humiliating and lots of people don’t even like them! I don’t think I’ll ever again do that whole, “don’t cross your legs” game ever again.
Keep in mind I’m writing here anonymously because the whole event left me troubled, but I don’t want to cause anyone there any pain by writing with my name. (That’s another rule, too, don’t be honest with your feelings lest you hurt someone!). Later in the day, at a gathering where no one knew the previous group, I mentioned a few of my gripes – specifically, the double invitation thing. One of my friends laughed at me, saying, “That’s some white girl shit!”. Well. Yeah. Okay.
My heart both wants to say Yes and No to baby showers. I keep saying Yes, because I care about the women and families involved. In this case, the guest of honor was a co-worker.
But baby showers leave me ambivalent. If they are allocated to “women’s business” then I want to support them, out of loyalty and because of their practicality. I just gotta grin and bear the rest of the “women’s business” that’s less fun. My strategy? I close my mouth, bring my gift, and remind myself these few hours are not about me.

Reflections on the business of blogging

There are times as a blogger when I read a piece by a fellow blogger and I have one of those light bulb moments. That recently happened when I read this piece by Veronica Armstrong recapping the Blog Her conference from her perspective. This post gave me a lot to think about in my own life as a blogger and writer as I have struggled at times with the issue of monetization which for me at times has been a dirty word.

Blogs started out primarily as outlets for writers and aspiring writers but now as the blogging world grows, the number of opportunities to actually create a career and/or actually make money has also grown. Blogging has grown up, giving many bloggers opportunities that just a few short years ago were simply unimaginable. For many women, their blogs have become empowerment tools. As blogging grows and bloggers especially the so –called mom blogger, find themselves wanting to jump into the waters they are learning that to achieve success, it really is about more than the writing, it’s a business.

I try to avoid talking about the business of blogging here and  monetization as many of my long time readers have told me, they don’t particularly enjoy these posts and that’s fine, I try to do a little something for everyone. Yet for many bloggers who are interested in the business of blogging, the truth is getting specific information from fellow bloggers is difficult to say the least which is why I loved Veronica’s piece.

Last year when I started to get serious about monetizing this space, the truth is I had no idea what I was doing. I wrongly assumed that it would be easy to monetize and made a lot of mistakes including joining the BlogHer network with less than realistic expectations and then getting huffy and leaving the network. Only to learn that for every blogger who tells you they work alone without a network and are actually generating ad revenue that what they aren’t telling you is that they are doing a lot of work. It takes time to cultivate relationships with advertisers and sponsors and as I have learned as someone with a pretty intense full time job, I simply can’t do it on my own.

At times I have thought maybe I should give up blogging, but I enjoy it and as long as I have one reader, I will keep doing it. That said and I think especially for women, it can be hard to admit that you want to earn money from the fruits of our labor. One of the greatest revelations recently for me is that money is not a dirty word and my desire to have it is not wrong, after all we all need money to live. Even those of us in the helping professions need money to live so we can keep helping others; the light company doesn’t give me a discount because I provided services to over 400 people last year. I have to pay my bill just like everyone else or I will be sitting in the dark.

After reading Veronica’s piece, I decided to take a second look at the BlogHer network and realized maybe I will give it a try again, I have submitted an application to join again and we will see what happens. Granted they could tell me to take a leap, in that case I will check out other networks but no longer will I feel guilt around this creative space and money. Bloggers as part of the social media landscape are playing an even larger role in disseminating information as traditional media changes and as our roles grow. It’s time to recognize that blogging is no longer the purview of a few wanna-be writers and that bloggers bring a great deal to the table, sure it may have started off in the hobby realm but it’s now so much more.

A cast of characters in BGIM land and playing with writing

It’s Hump Day Wednesday, let’s take a walk through the BGIM hood and meet the cast of characters that keep me on my toes…the good, the bad and even the ugly! People that I meet in this journey called my life.

Note: These are sketches based on groups of people I know, do you really think I would write about any specific person online? Of course not!

Tell it all Tallulah: For as long as I can remember I have been a magnet for people who want to tell me all their problems. Tell it all Tallulah seems to think I am a therapist or Oprah, when really I just want to say stop…do you really think I want to hear your problems? Fuck, I have my own problems. Tell it all Tallulah means well and thinks that we are bonding, when in reality I am just providing my ears because I haven’t figured out a tactful way to say shut the fuck up.

Whiny Wanda: Wanda likes to whine and lives in a permanent state of woe is me, unlike Tallulah, Wanda whines about any and everything, including her ingrown toe nails. Whiny Wanda annoys me and makes me want to hit her in the throat to put her out of her misery since clearly she is unhappy and couldn’t find happiness if it walked up to her and gave her a soul kiss. Wanda, could you at least be like Tallulah and have real drama if you are going to burden me with your shit?

Know it all Ned: Know it all’s come in two types I have decided, there is the look at the big brain on Brad type that sort of means well and might occasionally be useful. Like when I have a technical issue and then there is the Know it all type that only wants to showboat how smart they are and pretty much likes to let you know how not smart you are. In any event Know it all’s can go either way, helpful as fuck or punch em in the throat along with Wanda.

Braggy Bridget: Braggy Bridget is the perfect frenemy, sometimes you think you are friends until you realize most of your exchanges are about how wonderful her life is and what she is doing.  Braggy Bridget seems to have a knack for calling you when you are having the day from hell and launching into the perfect soliloquy about her upcoming trip or fabulous whatever, yeah, I want to punch her in the throat too.

Share it Susie: Susie was the perfect tattle tale back in grammar school and now as an adult, she likes to know about everyone and shares everyone’s business. You generally learn about Susie’s lack of control after she has spilled the beans about your life and you are caught with your mouth open and the flies coming in. Don’t even punch her in the throat; avoid her like this new and improved clap running loose. Share it Susie will screw you.

Down Doretha: Doretha is Debbie Downer’s favorite cousin, you spend an hour with Doretha and suddenly you are depressed and contemplating how much longer you will be alive. Doretha is a fucking energy vampire, avoid at all costs. You can’t even afford to spend 5 minutes with Down Doretha…she is that deadly.

Snarky Shells: Shells is snarky but too many times her snark crosses over into meanness and unless you are in the mood, avoid Snarky Shells, another energy vampire. When I spend too much time with Snarky Shells, she brings out my own inner mean girl…never good.

Never my fault Nan: Nan’s life is a constant roller coaster of shit, life is always a drama and Nan never has anything to do with the shit that happens to her. Nan is often an amazing friend but too many times she is unavailable because she is putting out the brush fires called her life that pretty much erupt every day since Nan never reflects or plans. Nan is that friend it’s often hard to break away from because Nan is lovable and fun, it’s just that the older she gets, the drama gets harder to deal with.

Ride or Die Rita: Rita is the ultimate friend, always has your back and meets you where you are when you need it. Rita has her bad days too but unlike all the others understands the concept of the word balance. One can never have too many Rita’s in their life but rarely do we have enough Rita’s…what a shame.

Thank you for visiting BGIM-land where there is never a dull moment!

PS: I am playing with different writing styles and how to use humor in my writing, so I would love your feedback.

 

When words get messy

One of the most powerful tools that anyone of us has is our words; one need not be a writer to exercise that power. Ask anyone who has ever been in an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship and often times they will tell you that it was their partner’s words that hurt the most. Words can tear a person down, words can uplift and sometimes they can simply confuse. When I was 8 years old and rather irritated about my brother’s arrival, I went to school and made a flip comment that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t mean it, but after years of being the only kid, frankly I wanted some attention. In the end the attention that comment got me was nothing like what I thought it would be and almost 32 years later my Dad still brings up that incident. Since he and my mother had the unfortunate task of convincing folks that I was being a brat and was not in need of psychiatric treatment. For a time, I learned how to mind my words.

Fast forward decades later when I first started writing professionally for the Portland Phoenix, in my early columns I sometimes had a tendency to overreach in a desire to get a response and ended up with mixed results. In almost a decade of writing professionally, I have received much hate mail (writing about diversity while living in one of the whitest states tends to make some folks lose it) once so bad my editor had to alert local law enforcement. It’s always good to have a paper trail if someone pretty much tells you what they want to do to you and it includes non-consensual violence.

Over the years I have tried to walk the line in my professional writing and, thanks to my restraint, good editors and the limits of word counts, I can be more widely publishable. And sometime, necessity forces me to hold my tongue when I feel one way or another about issues. As such, often I use this space to stretch my writing wings. The upside of blogging is that I have no editor, no word count and no pesky red marks to deal with…but that too has a downside.

It seems a recent post of mine, was not well received. In that post I spoke on authenticity, yet I made some generalizations that offended some or maybe even many based off the unusual number of visitors that post received. I have been mulling over whether or not to say anything because frankly my intent was not to offend. Yet sometimes intent doesn’t matter, in some cases it’s how things are received. When I speak on authenticity in my space here, it’s from the perspective of a woman growing up and reconciling who she is and who she wants to be and creating my authentic space. The authentic space that I reside in comfortably with no more inner conflict, it’s that place that allows me to realize and accept that where I am is where I am meant to be and to be at peace with that.

I use this space to share and to muse out loud, it’s great when it’s read but for quite a while this space had very few readers and that’s okay too. This space is where I play with my words and sometimes it gets a little messy and that is okay too because sometimes life is a little messy, I believe the only time things stop getting messy is when we take our last breath.

So I am reminded once again of the power of words, they can uplift, tear down and confuse and part of the work of a writer is being aware and intentional in how we use those words. For me it’s a work in progress.