female sexuality

You, your man and porn….

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I must admit that until I started hanging out with white women both on-line and IRL, I really did not know that so many women have issues with their man looking at porn. Now before I begin, I know there are women of color who also have issues with their partners looking at porn, but my unscientific conclusion is that white women seem to get bothered by it way more than the sistas do.

Me personally, it doesn’t bother me and nor do I feel disrespected by it. Shit, the reality is for months after our daughter was born a sista was not in the mood, shit I was tired and if the spousal unit needed to get his jollies off looking at some air-brushed babe, didn’t mean he loved me less or was being disrespectful to me. I didn’t feel his looking at the occasional nude pic meant he loved me less or had issues with women. Shoot, the mister is one of the kindest and gentlest men who is in touch with his feminine side but at the same time he is a man with needs and for me him handling his business was preferable to him pestering the shit out of me while I was recovering for almost a year after giving birth. Yeah, it was a serious drought around these parts.

Yet I am continuously amazed when I hear my white friends say if they caught their man with porn it would be a betrayal… um, no for me a betrayal would be if I walk in my bedroom and there is another woman on my bed, now that is some betrayal. A while back a good white friend confessed she and her husband only had relations once in a blue moon and that she had not given her ole man any special treats in about 5 years. Can I be blunt? As I heard this story and nodded my head, I thought to myself, are you sure your man is faithful? Now I know her husband, he is a nice guy but I know having had 2 husbands that if I only wanted to kick it every now and then, that would not make for a happy man especially since this same friend is anti-porn, in other words she don’t want the mister wanking off to images that are not her.

Um, I am ole school..reared by a Black woman and the one lesson I always got from my Moms is take care of your man and if your man handles his business correct, do not tell your girlfriends? Why, you ask? Simply put, you start spouting off about how your man makes your toes curl, you will learn who your true friends are.. shit, I learned that lesson back in my 20’s when a so-called friend stepped to my man. No, some shit you don’t share.

That said, back to the story at hand, seriously men and women have different needs, many of us women like to cuddle and have that quality time.. men, they like that too but at the same time, they like to blow off steam if you know what I mean and IMO if you are in a committed relationship, you need to take care of each other or else there will be a disconnect.  I am not saying have sex when you don’t want to, hell nawl to that but damn by laying down rules like no porn if that’s what your man likes, seems to me you are creating tension where there need not be tension.

I know that many women feel pornography is degrading to women, that many of the women are being taken advantage of but these days there is also a lot of quality women made porn, so I would think a couple could meet in the middle and find something acceptable.

One thing I have learned after 2 marriages and 2 kids, men do not like to be controlled anymore than we do and silly rules like no porn do not help a relationship. However if you feel your man viewing porn is fucking with your self-esteem then I suggest checking out Katt Williams in the sketch where he talks about how esteem is a thing of YOUR self, not anyone else. Men are smart, chances are your honey would rather have you than the woman on the screen, so keep that in mind.

Sexual Freedom Part Two

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Today’s post was inspired by a comment made on my previous post about sex, Sweet Teach said:

“I don’t think ALL sex needs to or actually should happen in the context of a committed relationship . Every experience we have is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, other people, our beliefs and the world, and that includes sexual experiences.

Bottom line is all of us (men and women) need to get a better understanding of what constitutes healthy sexuality and exploration and we need to learn to be comfortable with our own bodies before and while we explore others within and outside of relationships”

Now I was actually going to respond via the comment section, but as I sat on this for the past day or so, I agreed that she was right about the initial contradiction in that post since while I saying we as women should be free to make decisions about our bodies and whom we share them with and at the same time I made the statement that in an ideal world sex should happen within the context of a committed relationship. I will be honest and say, that double-sided way of thinking is most likely rooted in my faith and is something I am grappling with. That would be another post though for another day.

 Its interesting because looking back, I was talking a bit out of both sides of my mouth, yet in hoping  to have a deep discussion and in just my brief time blogging I have been fortunate to meet some folks here who truly are about more than just doing a fly by, I think its time to get bare. That is time for me to get bare and truly open up and explore some of my own thoughts and I invite you to join me.  

In looking back at my own sexual behavior and experiences, I can honestly say that while the best sex was borne from deep relationships( that which happens with the spousal unit for instance) the truth is there have been experiences that occurred not within either of my marriages that I would not trade for anything because they helped shaped me.

Looking back, I must ask myself honestly would I have wanted to arrive at either of my marriages a virgin? The answer is a resounding Hell Naw. Yet the reality is the first time I married at 18, much of it was about guilt over engaging in premarital sex, guilt over enjoying it and I suspect for many women, its guilt over those good feelings that leads us to quickly wanting to partner with a man when deep in our soul, we know maybe we should hold off. This is not to say that we women don’t want partners, but how many of us have been quick to say a man is the one after we knocked boots? Back when I was single, I often confused the sexual afterglow for love and that is a dangerous thing to do. Yet had I had the knowledge I have now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak and accepted a good feeling for just that, a good feeling.

As someone who was raised with Christian leanings even when Christianity was not the official religion of the house in our family, the truth is I still picked up on the messages that seeped in about sex, even the language used in my family, fast girls, hussy… all language designed to shame a young woman coming into herself sexually and this is what I want to avoid in raising my own daughter. The societal messages that good girls, don’t do XYZ because its those messages that I feel create a schizophrenic existence when it comes to sexuality even more-so as women of color. Already we have the larger society that in the past and still today as represented by the imagery of Black video vixen that says Black women are loose. On some level I think the societal messages places a larger burden on Black women when it comes to our sexuality, it makes us harder for us to be upfront about our needs. I can only imagine this pain and confusion is even greater for my lesbian sisters since while I don’t want to generalize I will say that female sexuality that is female centered in my experiences deals with even a greater amount of shaming and negativity from others.

This is a post today with no defined end but I welcome your thoughts and comments. Perhaps I will revist this subject again soon.

Sex is just sex, got it?

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Catchy title? Heh. No seriously, between reading various blogs and some women I know in real life, I just feel like saying something to all my sistern regardless of race.

I’m a old married woman (nah, I am not that old but it just sounded nice to say that). I have been married twice, first time was for half a second and this marriage will be 11 years this fall, 13 years total that we have been together. Between discovering my sexuality early shall we say, and between husbands, lets just say that I learned a few things about the menfolks. First thing is just because a man hits the sheets with you means nothing, no seriously.. men rarely turn down the goodies. Much like offering a kid a freeze-pop on a hot day, if you tell a man come on over to your place after a meal, and slip into a sexy nightie and make it clear you’d like to cuddle, probably 92 out of 100 heterosexual men will be all over that like flies on shit, no matter what race they are.

Now, when young women equate sex with love, part of me expects it.. Lawd knows I been there too. My issue is when women old enough to know better fall for the okie-doke, that’s when I feel like ripping my locks out. Better yet when a women gets pregnant by a man she has known all of a few months and then 2-3 years down the road when the sperm donor barely comes around and is MIA with the child support then the woman is crying the blues. I know, it takes two to tangle and yes a man should be a man and step up to the plate but the reality is having a kid with someone you don’t know is generally a bad idea and should the sperm donor turn out to be a asshole, why are you surprised? Shit like that, I suspect even Stevie Wonder could see coming.

No, I know a lot of women in their 30’s and 40’s still get caught up like this and I don’t know why? Now another blogger, Lisa at Black Woman Blow the Trumpet has a great series that delves into a lot of the issues that I suspect lead to Black women ending up in these sorts of situations. Other bloggers such as  OG and a few others have also touched on it as well but I just gotta say when will women realize not all sex is about love and commitment? Ideally in the perfect world we would all have sex within the confines of a committed loving relationship, yet that is not reality for many folks.

Instead women specifically have got to learn that in being empowered in a way that I hope I can get across to my own daughter as she grows up (see my Girl Power post) that its ok to just have sex for no other reason than they choose to do so. Yet it takes being emotionally healthy and balanced to get to that place where we can admit our needs and own it and feel good about it but I think if women can get to that place, there will be a lot less women running around thinking that every man they sleep with is the one. Sometimes you don’t need the ONE, sometimes you need the one that is available right now and a healthy and mature woman understands the difference.  A woman who can get to that place is a woman who will not find herself caught up in bullshit but instead will own up to her part in a messy situation without throwing blame.