Whose the parent?

As a product of the Chicago Public Schools, it was with great interest that I read this story yesterday. Go ahead, take a second, and read it…ok for those that don’t, the crux is that an elementary school in Chicago decided to ban homemade lunches. Yep, kids have two choices, eat the school provided lunch (slop) or eat nothing. Wow! Now I am not one of these anti-government folks but I will say reading this piece combined with having a kid in the local schools here in Maine have started to convince me that schools are moving away from their primary function….oh, educating kids to oh say parenting kids.

Now I will fully admit that I understand why schools are slowly moving from role of educator to parent, frankly there are plenty of parents that for whatever reasons simply are not able or available to parent. I see it all the time at my community center; we have kids who attend whose parents have actually told me that we (my staff and I) are the only ones that can get their kids to behave. Say what??? Kids constantly ask me why aren’t we open 7 days a week, ummmm because we like to have a life too.

It’s bad out there, I am not a teacher but due to the nature of my work I interact with teachers and other allied professionals that work with youth and most of us have never seen the apathy that exists within most families. So it only makes sense that teachers are willing to pick up the slack and add pseudo parent to their role…got to do what ya got to do.

Now let’s talk about the school meal program, I am of two minds, no kid deserves to go hungry. Plain and simple. Ideally everyone would have access to fresh, nutritious food that does more than add dense calories but to be honest with the current way that the school food programs are administered by the United States Dept of Agriculture, that’s hard to do. My community center for the past two years has participated in the Summer Food Service Program that is offered to community partners and schools so that kids’ at risk for going hungry will have access to meals.

My first year in the program, I had such high hopes thinking I might be able to partner with local farmers to offer the kids truly good food. Well it turns out the program, sets the guidelines for what you can serve and well its no longer a secret to me why school meals often look and taste like shit. The problem is not your local schools it’s the federal government, I repeat it’s the federal government. The schools are simply doing what they can at the cheapest price. See, school meal programs are woefully underfunded. The federal reimbursement rate is like a $1.80 for breakfast and $3.15 (can’t remember the exact figure so correct me if I am wrong) for lunch. Now I know you are thinking wait, that’s plenty of money to provide good meals. No, its not. See, that is all the money schools and agencies get that participate and that figure includes salaries, I mean the folks who cook/prepare the meal want to get paid. The folks that deal with all the paperwork are also fond of getting compensated too! It includes the cost of paper goods, ever noticed that most public schools use paper products? That’s because the USDA‘s regulations are so onerous that you are pretty much pushed into using disposable products. Of course these products cost money.

So now you can see why the lunches are not nearly as tasty or nutritious as they can be, I know my first year in the program I almost went over budget getting fresh fruits and veggies by year number two I realized that canned items could easily meet the “requirement” and ensure that I not go over budget. Shitty but its all about survival.

So back to the school in Chicago, sure they probably had kids making poor nutritional decisions but the truth is in more ways than one getting all the kids to eat the school lunch makes sense. More cash coming in to actually keep the cafeteria open and if it’s like my kids school where there is a shortage of space and time, it streamlines the process. If every kid gets a Styrofoam tray of food, it beats helping little Jenny open the thermos, and eat all the food their Mom packed.

Now the thing for me is when I was a kid in the Chicago schools starting in the late 1970’s, I never ever ate the school lunch. For starters my school had no cafeteria so the school lunch was a sack lunch that always looked bad…to this day I remember the peanut butter and jelly they offered on a graham cracker thing that looked like an ice cream sandwich. Yuck. I remember going to high school and even there once I had access to a cafeteria the fare looked so bad I remember begging my Mom to give me lunch money so I could eat outside the school. I actually remember taking the $1.50 she would give me for school lunch and just going off campus to a local eatery and getting Italian bread and gravy to eat rather than eating the slop the school served…that’s how bad the school lunch was and that was a long time ago!

The thing is the school that issued this mandate is in a lower income area where the truth is, it’s a lot easier to issue such proclamations. I mean you try that at a school that is solidly middle class and above and chaos will ensue. Then again even in middle income areas the schools are slowly trying to assert more authority over the kids which I suspect is part of the reason for the rise in homeschooling. Remember back in the dark ages when the only kid you knew who was homeschooled came from a fundamentalist Christian family? Kid always seemed sad and strange…but now? Homeschooling to some degree has become mainstream and in most cases the reasons I have heard for families choosing to homeschool has a lot to do with wanting to maintain a sense of control over their own kids. Wanting to ensure that the families’ values are what help to form the kids’ identity, etc. As I battle every week with some outside force that feels further and further away from our families values I will admit homeschooling sounds very attractive.

In today’s world it seems our kids are no longer ours and as parents we must decide how we want to handle that. Today it might be something as small as insisting we spend our money to feed our kids food we don’t eat but what will it be tomorrow?

Breast is best but….

Yesterday one of my buddies who is a passionate advocate of breastfeeding posted this article on Facebook. As always these types of articles are designed to bring about much discussion especially in places such as Facebook and other social media venues.

In my personal life most women I know have breast-fed at one point in time, including yours truly. Yet in my professional life the women I encounter rarely breastfeed; its something I thought about as one of my families just added their 5th child to the family. Yesterday I ran into the father and asked how Mama and the new baby were doing and he told me how many ounces of formula the new babe was taking…I admit for a brief second, I felt bad that this babe was not being breast-fed and then I promptly got over it.

In recent years there has been a huge push to get women to breastfeed and rightly so, it’s good for Mama and baby in many ways. There is no disputing the large body of data that supports the fact that by and large breastfeeding is the optimal way to provide nourishment to a baby. Yet as a fierce advocate of the poor, I think all the programs designed to get more Mamas nursing are not designed with the poor in mind. To be honest it can be hard enough to get middle class women to commit to breastfeeding babies, I was reminded of this fact yesterday as I sat waiting for the girl child while she took her weekly dance class and was chatting with the other Mamas.

Somehow the conversation turned to breastfeeding and for some reason many of the Mamas started getting apologetic over how they wanted to breastfeed, but couldn’t…it was one of those awkward moments. Especially because out of the group of at least 15 of us, it seemed only two of us had nursed any significant time, one Mama nursed to 8 months and yours truly who went several years.  Let’s just say when I stated how long I had nursed all eyes turned to me and I got the look…any woman who has nursed a toddler in this country has generally had at least one of those encounters. But I shook it off.

The thing is after reading the article I mentioned earlier in this post combined with my discussion with the dance Mamas, it made me wonder while it’s great to get more Mama’s nursing are we doing damage to the Mamas themselves? No, hear me out. Unless I am in the company of a certain type of parent, one who for practical purposes I will refer to as an attachment parenting style Mama, it seems the breastfeeding conversation brings ups a great deal of tension and judgment.  I have met Mamas who look down on women who choose not to nurse; I have met Mamas who look at those who nurse especially extended breast feeders as freaks. I had a woman yesterday who told me how her sister in law who had a homebirth is still nursing her 3 yo son and you know there is no nutritional value in that! All the other Mamas snickered as to imply the Mama nursing the 3 yo is getting some sort of cheap sexual thrill out of nursing her child. As a Mama who nursed a 3 yo, I spoke up and explained that there is still a nutritional aspect but at the same time it is an emotional tool and that there is nothing weird about it. I suspect I will not be invited to the Mama parties but its all good.

My point in sharing this is to say there is entirely too much judgment that goes on and it needs to stop. Instead let’s respect the choices that other mothers make with regards to how to feed their child. In the case of my client with 5 kids under 6, while I think it would be better to nurse after thinking about how I would handle things it makes a great deal of sense why she made the choice she did to use formula. Truthfully, my kids are almost 14 years apart, it was easier to get up every 2 hours to nurse when I had no other small kids to tend to, I was not facing poverty and lack of access to transportation, things that can make every day survival difficult much less adding in a newborn who needs to eat often.

For those who are passionate about wanting all women to nurse their babies, I suggest directing your energy towards change on a macro-level. Let’s create laws and practices that make it easier for women who work in places like stores and restaurants to have access and time to a safe clean space to pump milk. Let’s make access to lactation specialists and breast pumps available to all, even better let us offer each other real support rather than judgment and let’s share our real stories of our experiences. Breastfeeding is not always a beautiful thing, there were plenty of days I wanted to rip my fucking hair out yet I saw the value and continued. At almost 5, my girl still remembers and talks about when she grows up her babies will have bickey milk and she refers to breast milk.