This is a personal post, more a release of my own thoughts and yes while some of what I am about to say is raw, please know that everything that is on my mind has indeed been discussed with my husband.
Marriage, its that thing that many women dream about, from the time women are young girls somehow our culture has brought home the thought that one day you will wear a big white dress and walk down an aisle to your own prince charming, exchange promises to love, honor and maybe even obey. There might even big a party and afterwards you will live happily ever after, maybe even have a couple kids, a house and be together until death do you part.
Problem with this thought is that its pure fantasy, everyone thinks about the wedding, the dress and all that other shit but very little detail is focused on the hard day to day work of staying married. I have talked about some of this before but marriage is hard work, its the second hardest job you get when it comes to personal relationships aside from raising kids.
I am going to be honest, I am in a rut. The spousal unit and I have been married 11 years, it will be 12 this fall…up until a few years ago, our marriage seemed perfect. I married a man who is my best friend and make no mistake he still is my best friend. There is nothing I cannot share with him hence why what I am writing is not new to him but the reality is that the challenges of living with less money thus the ability to take that occasional trip is now gone and just doing fun things is pretty non-existant, then you add to the mix we are raising the kids and you add aging ….well, its a recipe for feeling like BB King’s oldie but goodie “The Thrill is Gone”.
I don’t think the thrill is really gone its just that in the real world of marriage and relationships, sometimes there isn’t going to be a thrill….sometimes its going to feel like the most boring job in the world. You know that good steady job that isn’t exciting but pays damn well so you know you need to stay.
However there are times when temptation enters the picture, this is going to sound strange to anyone who doesn’t personally know us which is most of my readers but my mate is a few years older than me, so he has already crossed that 40’s threshold where I have a few more years to go, in case you care to know I am 36. Regular readers also know that the spousal unit is white and I am not…we are facing a strange scenario where the hubby is not aging as gracefully as me, we both attribute this to our respective gene pools. I look like I am in my 20’s and the hubby does not. Truthfully its hard for me watching him age less gracefully than what I am used to in my own family of origin, my Pops is almost 60 but still has a head full of hair whereas my husband is bald because the male pattern baldness was so bad that trying to keep what hair he had was not working anymore.
Now, I know I may sound vain as hell but the reality is its hard for me and well this is where my mind wanders and wonders, no I have no desire to step out on the hubby but since I lost all my weight and now am the size I have spent most of my life at, the reality is temptation seems to be lurking in every corner and I gotta be honest its hard to say no.
Lately I feel as if my soul is is in this death match, there is the angel on one side saying don’t go there and the spirit on the other side saying “Life’s short..go for it”. I made a joke a few days to my husband that I feel like I should never go back home for a visit since temptation would even be worse, of course never visiting family and friends is not feasible but you know what I mean…
My point in sharing this is that marriage is hard work, lately I have been praying daily to recommit myself to my husband and not allow these thoughts to take over but I am reminded that this is much harder than one thinks. I also have realized that many couples that have been married 20, 30, 40 and more years have also faced these same temptations…some give in but many don’t. Yet nobody ever tells couples when they are wrapped up in the love glow that a day may come when you find yourself praying for the strength and courage to stay the course and not stray.
I am also convinced that not all straying is the result of bad feelings, heck I love my husband but what I am battling is independent of him, in some ways its a moral test that I am facing. The one test I have no intentions of failing but one I never expected to be an issues 11 years ago when I stood in front of my husband and my father (who married us) and pledged my undying love.
Beyonce recently came out with a song telling the single ladies to get a ring, well I say before you get that ring think about what the journey of marriage will entail, its more than rings and dresses…its a journey that can reveal who you are at your deepest core.
22 thoughts on “Marriage…the real deal”
Well, I understand what you mean. This is real life and these thoughts do actually are very strong sometimes. There is no right or wrong in this, just how strong your belief is. If you want to prevent yourself from wandering, just think had it been the other way wround, your husband would have been young and in good shape and you were the one who was elderly and not in good shape, had he wandered, had he broken the love trust, or had he expressed the thoughts you have, how would have you felt, you would have been devastaded would not you have been? If your husband understands your feelings he is super cool person do not hurt him.
You see you are not alone with these thoughts, they are very common but you have to find a strong reason which will allow you to say no to these thoughts. Watch the movie “one last kiss”.
Say a woman’s husband is somebody looking like brad pitt, only that he was in the army, most of the time away from her, and suppose one day he came back with one leg less, in that case after a while woman’s life would change a lot, should she wander because her husband is now not brad pitt anymore, or she should love him still? It all depends upon the bond of love. One should either separate and wander, either live together wander (I am using this word wander to imply the obvious) once or twice without letting know your spouse, in order to prevent him/her from getting devastaded and then get back to loving your spouse again but it will be never the same again, the guilt you will feel will never let it be same again.
So the choice is yours.
I absolutely love your honesty. Congrats on posting it.
I do hope you find the will power to stick with your husband and not wonder. Marriage is not easy I agree. It takes more than love and honesty to make it. I believe it takes a little insanity 🙂
Thanks for your sharing.
Thanks for keeping this real enough to be cross posted on big man’s blog which got me to here. And really got me to thinking.
I just passed the half year mark. On my second marriage. we took our sweet slow time to get to “here” not out of fear of failing again, but out of an understanding that life isn’t all fairytales and princess dresses. That said, I very much know that I’m STILL well in the “he can do no wrong” phase (just check out my blog to read all the gag me sweet posts that one of his ex’s was quick to hit with the “wake up stick”) but in a very different way than before.
I’ve never been in real relationship until now. Yes, I impacted and was impacted. But in a real committed relationship, be it via marriage or not, I wasn’t there. I was always placing semicolons in between people and times and moving in between and among and always waiting for something better.
Like I said, only 6 months or so into marriage, but almost 5 years into this relationship. No kids (I’m sure it will ALL change then), no struggling to pay the bills, only one night on a couch but it is just so different. What scares me most is not the day I’ll want to think about exploring something else becase as that happens, we giggle, we talk about it and there is no threat. It is awesome. What scares me is the day when he or even I feel uncomfortable bringing that up. When the conversation stops.
I believe with all my heart that as long as you can talk through it, be heard, be felt, anything can be worked out. Anything.
But like I said…I’m only 6 months into it this time around.
I took Big Man’s post more as an admission that he couldn’t be so open and honest about what was going on in his relationship than any kind of attack.
I have to be honest and say I’m not sure I could be so open when it comes to my marriage either, which made the whole post that much more real.
I love that the spousal unit replied. That was my *only* hesitation. Otherwise, I found this a brave and honest post. A+++++
Thanks for all the responses…I must admit I grappled with whether or not writing this was a case of TMI. One of my oldest and dearest friends read this last night and felt it was a tad too raw.
On the flip side in the past several months a couple of real life girlfriends who are in similiar ruts have mentioned they are in a similiar place. This got me to thinking that honestly I think more folks than any of us would like to think hit this point in their relationships. Yet as a society this is not the type of thing that anyone wants to politely discuss.
I have seen close up several marriages that were 25 years plus where a partner strayed and while the marriages did survive the aftermath, I often wondered what would have happened if there could have been a honest dialogue before things got to that point?
I am thankful that Mr BGIM has allowed me not only to share my feelings with him but also feel its ok to put this out there. I find that in many cases by talking openly about a situation, it helps gain a better perspective on things.
I am reminded that we are all works in progress and clearly I am working these things out but confident that we will be together at the finish line…imperfections and all. Since while the Spousal Unit may have his phyical imperfections…Lord knows I have all sorts of quirks that might make someone else think twice about me yet he loves me despite my quirks.
I don’t think Big Man was saying that you look bad. He was saying that the wife is admitting her faults in an open forum, which some people can’t do, but is probably theraputic for her.
the best thing you and the Spousal Unit have going for you is that you ARE best friends and can be this open about it all. If you weren’t, you probably would have dipped out by now. That’s the reality of relationships that lack communication.
Now, you just have to be strong, and realize WHY you love your husband and WHY your marriage has lasted 11-plus years. That’s an amazing feat, and the bond that you have should be more than enough to keep you on the straight and narrow. Forget the trips and splurging. The two of you should be able to sit in a dark living room at midnight and light it up every night for the rest of your lives. Yes, there will be problems — that whole through thick and thin thing — but you should know that you really only need each other.
If I could suggest a song, it’d be: Musiq’s “dontchange.” It seems fitting. I pray everything is everything with you two.
Wow, I so appreciated the brutal honesty in this letter. And I think your spousal unit is completely amazing for being so understanding and allowing you to express your true feelings. That is a major problem I have with my husband. So kudos to you for being honest, and to your DH for giving you this space to work out these issues.
See, I found that interesting too that Big Man thought you came off looking bad. So I reread and my hazy mental picture of you is that you’re typically middle aged, balding and out of shape. Yet, due to my own age and view of men in general I didn’t equate that with looking bad. I mean, I don’t go eyeing most men my age as hot but then again, what I want most from a man now isn’t beefcake.
Now, if there is a little tweaking that could be done ala style (no pleated front khakis or Dad sweaters, for example) or regular sit ups and push ups then I’m all for that. But if it’s just down to plain old genes then you just have to stand tall, be healthy and continue to man up as it seems you’re doing.
Pardon my long windedness but I honestly don’t observe any real people who “have it all” in every phase of their lives. I don’t think it’s possible without piles and piles of cash but I do think it’s possible to strive for having the best of what’s attainable for each stage of your life.
This post was so enlightening. I wish there was more to read.
I’m a 36 year old newlywed (it’ll be a year in May). I hope and pray that the fact that I married an athletic man, near my age, who I love to laugh with and look at, who has a near identical upbringing as mine (religion, parents, siblings, Southerner,etc), will sustain us through the years. This first year has been a breeze, but it IS only the first year. God help us all!! 🙂
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