This is a personal post, more a release of my own thoughts and yes while some of what I am about to say is raw, please know that everything that is on my mind has indeed been discussed with my husband.
Marriage, its that thing that many women dream about, from the time women are young girls somehow our culture has brought home the thought that one day you will wear a big white dress and walk down an aisle to your own prince charming, exchange promises to love, honor and maybe even obey. There might even big a party and afterwards you will live happily ever after, maybe even have a couple kids, a house and be together until death do you part.
Problem with this thought is that its pure fantasy, everyone thinks about the wedding, the dress and all that other shit but very little detail is focused on the hard day to day work of staying married. I have talked about some of this before but marriage is hard work, its the second hardest job you get when it comes to personal relationships aside from raising kids.
I am going to be honest, I am in a rut. The spousal unit and I have been married 11 years, it will be 12 this fall…up until a few years ago, our marriage seemed perfect. I married a man who is my best friend and make no mistake he still is my best friend. There is nothing I cannot share with him hence why what I am writing is not new to him but the reality is that the challenges of living with less money thus the ability to take that occasional trip is now gone and just doing fun things is pretty non-existant, then you add to the mix we are raising the kids and you add aging ….well, its a recipe for feeling like BB King’s oldie but goodie “The Thrill is Gone”.
I don’t think the thrill is really gone its just that in the real world of marriage and relationships, sometimes there isn’t going to be a thrill….sometimes its going to feel like the most boring job in the world. You know that good steady job that isn’t exciting but pays damn well so you know you need to stay.
However there are times when temptation enters the picture, this is going to sound strange to anyone who doesn’t personally know us which is most of my readers but my mate is a few years older than me, so he has already crossed that 40’s threshold where I have a few more years to go, in case you care to know I am 36. Regular readers also know that the spousal unit is white and I am not…we are facing a strange scenario where the hubby is not aging as gracefully as me, we both attribute this to our respective gene pools. I look like I am in my 20’s and the hubby does not. Truthfully its hard for me watching him age less gracefully than what I am used to in my own family of origin, my Pops is almost 60 but still has a head full of hair whereas my husband is bald because the male pattern baldness was so bad that trying to keep what hair he had was not working anymore.
Now, I know I may sound vain as hell but the reality is its hard for me and well this is where my mind wanders and wonders, no I have no desire to step out on the hubby but since I lost all my weight and now am the size I have spent most of my life at, the reality is temptation seems to be lurking in every corner and I gotta be honest its hard to say no.
Lately I feel as if my soul is is in this death match, there is the angel on one side saying don’t go there and the spirit on the other side saying “Life’s short..go for it”. I made a joke a few days to my husband that I feel like I should never go back home for a visit since temptation would even be worse, of course never visiting family and friends is not feasible but you know what I mean…
My point in sharing this is that marriage is hard work, lately I have been praying daily to recommit myself to my husband and not allow these thoughts to take over but I am reminded that this is much harder than one thinks. I also have realized that many couples that have been married 20, 30, 40 and more years have also faced these same temptations…some give in but many don’t. Yet nobody ever tells couples when they are wrapped up in the love glow that a day may come when you find yourself praying for the strength and courage to stay the course and not stray.
I am also convinced that not all straying is the result of bad feelings, heck I love my husband but what I am battling is independent of him, in some ways its a moral test that I am facing. The one test I have no intentions of failing but one I never expected to be an issues 11 years ago when I stood in front of my husband and my father (who married us) and pledged my undying love.
Beyonce recently came out with a song telling the single ladies to get a ring, well I say before you get that ring think about what the journey of marriage will entail, its more than rings and dresses…its a journey that can reveal who you are at your deepest core.
22 thoughts on “Marriage…the real deal”
Hmmm…I’ve been married since June of last year. I’m 26. He is 40. I am biracial. He is white.
There are times when I wonder if this was the right decision. We don’t always see eye to eye. But we love one another. We’re both willing to make it work.
I had a very simple wedding. Only 8 people attended. It was not a church wedding. We’re non-religious, despite having both been raised by Christian mothers.
When we first met, he was drawn to my personality and my wit. I’m not sure whether he was physically attracted to me. He was accustomed to dating Latinas and white women. Although I can *somewhat* pass for white, my hair is one feature that tells on me.
I believe that we compliment one another. He provides the stability I’ve never had, while I bring my compassion and sensitivity to the table.
I still appreciate eye candy, but my husband is the only one I want. He is 6’4″, fine, fit, and sexy. His dark brown hair only has a little bit of silver in it. His skin is smooth and unlined. Time has been kind to him.
I can’t complain…the only problem would be that he is a workaholic. Besides that, we try to make it smooth sailing.
I’m younger than he is, but sometimes I feel insecure. It happens. I’m not an itty-bitty size 4 anymore. I’ve been busy trying to accomplish my educational goals while battling depression, so I’ve been a bit lax in taking care of myself. My hair doesn’t always look nice. My tummy isn’t flat anymore. I feel sloppy, fat, and ugly. I still look very young at 26 but I don’t feel sexy or pretty. Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer a blonde, blue-eyed white woman with big boobs. But I realize that he doesn’t want that because he is with me. I need to work on my insecurities about myself. Change starts with me.
Sometimes he feels insecure. He is a bit blue about finally being 40. I remind him that he is still attractive in my eyes. I’m still very attracted to him sexually, so he has nothing to worry about.
In a nutshell…your honesty is refreshing. Not many people can be open about stuff like this. My husband would be unbelievably hurt if I felt that way about him and actually expressed it. Marriage isn’t always tidy…sometimes there will be hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Communication is very important.
Thanks for this! 🙂
You know what’s right thing to do. I know that you know since I read your post on Valentine’s day.
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