One of my sista friends just took the plunge and got married a few weeks ago, this is her second time around the marriage track (and who says Black women don’t get married!) and of course she is all caught up in the love glow. I am happy for her; I had to miss the nuptials but am wishing her and the new Mister all the best in the world! But as the mister and I get ready to celebrate another year of bondage or bliss depending on the day I found myself thinking about all the so called rules that exist when you get married in this culture.
We here at least in the US are pretty fond of being happily married until death do we part, generally agreeing that we shall forsake all others. Never mind that just like most wedding vows no longer use the words “to obey” that maybe agreeing to forsake all others in advance of life actually happening is a recipe for disaster. I mean really, life happens and shit happens. I suspect the reason divorce rates in this country are so damn high is because we cling to some adolescent fantasy of marriage and love not that far removed from the Barbie fantasies that tween girls tend to revel in. It’s cool, if it works for you; problem is it really does not work for most of us.
Generally most of us take the attitude that our legal spouse is our property and expect they will fill our every need, never mind that asking one person to be your alpha, omega and everything in between is crazy! Most of us when we are with someone, are so caught up in being with them, married or not that we deny ourselves very real human connections. I am a flirt, flirting is like breathing to me. I realized though recently that for many they assume that if they are in a committed relationship flirting is bad. I say why? Hell, I am not dead! If I see an attractive or charming human, it’s my natural instinct to want to flirt. Flirting isn’t even about getting someone else; it’s just an acknowledgement that hey, I am a sexual being! I actually find flirting to be pretty helpful on the home front, many a time I come home and if I have engaged in a little flirty behavior, normally the hubster is more than happy to be the recipient of that energy I created while out and about being a sweetheart. So if ya wanna spruce things up, relax and flirt!
Next up dating, now I haven’t been on the dating market in damn near 16 years and while a lot has changed some shit should not. A friend of mine, who I consider my spiritual sister, just ended an intense relationship and is back on the market. So she put a profile up on a dating site and had some immediate success. Long story short, she goes out on a first date with a professional man, who according to said dating site they were almost a 99% match so all is good? Right? Well the vibe is good, evening is flowing well until the bill arrived, mind you they are at a pricey spot in Chicago, the fella has ordered wine…no problem? Well, the bill comes and long story short this fool asked my friend should he pay? After the bill sat on the table for half an hour and she finally reaches to look at it since he is clearly ignoring it, they end up going round and round and eventually split the tab. Now my girl contacted me to offer some input and normally I ask before blogging about my peeps but I have a fair amount of single readers and figured this is a tale worth sharing.
Look, chivalry is not dead. Plain and simple, if a man does the asking his balls better be big enough to pay the fucking tab, especially if he picks a lovely but pricy place! Only exception to this would have been if this were more like a meet and greet at the local coffee shack and even then pick up the tab. Sure we women can pay our way but dammit, we like to be treated like ladies. One of my best friends of over 20 yrs. now is a man and in all our years B still pays the tab 90 % of the time when we go out, and since we have never been romantic with each other I would have no problem paying my share and his occasionally but as a man he feels its only right.
Ladies, if a man is trying to go dutch on the first date, he is not relationship material, treat him like one of the girls and under no circumstances do you give up the panties unless you want a human blow up doll.
Now I know younger women will tell me but….no buts take it from Mama BGIM, some things do not change. Let a man be a man and if he doesn’t want to, go on over to Eden Fantasys and get you a big red and call it a day.