Life happens! That’s one of my many personal mottoes that I live by, life does indeed happen when you least expect it. Which is why when I was busy recovering from that pesky double hernia repair surgery that happened back in mid April, somewhere along the path to recovery I picked up an extra ten pounds and drum roll….I am not freaking out?
Let me provide some of the back story for new readers or folks who don’t know me. Most of my life I had no weight issues, I have always been on the smallish side though when I decided to give up my evil butt habit years ago, I promptly gained a weight problem. After a life time of being a size 5/6, I fought long and hard and started to accept that an 8/10 was going to be my new reality. Fast forward to having the kidlet almost 5 years ago and well my love of cooking and eating really caught up with me. Eight months after giving birth I was heavier than I was when I gave birth and when I walked I was short of breath. I am vain but it was not being comfortable walking that really kicked my ass in gear so I joined Weight Watchers and over a two-year period dropped damn near 50 lbs.
I became a good lifetime member back in 2008 and stayed at or below my weight goal for two years, I thought I had this shit licked up until I met the surgical recovery process 2.5 months ago. Turns out when one is restricted from moving a great deal, loaded on pain meds and laying on the couch, your options for amusement include TV watching, surfing the web and my favorite, eating. Truth is the past two months I been eating like it was going out of style, eating foods I forgot I even liked. If you follow me on Twitter you have been witness to the BGIM all food all the time extravaganza. It was good but after wondering why my favorite skirts were fitting funny, the truth came out. I gained a whopping 10 lbs since the surgery but guess what, I don’t care.
Don’t get me wrong now that I can move again I am damn well planning on it and have been ramping up my walking game. But once upon a time I admit this news would have set me on edge, now not so much. I do plan on taking off this weight but it will happen when it happens, I am more than the size of my skirt or the numbers on the scale. In some ways my cheapness is probably the greatest motivator since it was oh right before the surgery that I finally got rid of my larger clothes so at the moment I am doing wardrobe gymnastics when getting dressed and making use of my Spanx.
Point of this rant though is that I am at a point of acceptance about myself and the fact is in real life weight goes up and it goes down. As a woman it seems we are slammed with imagery that says we must be a certain way, I say fuck it all. For me I am happy with myself and the older I get I find that having internal beauty and peace is far more than numbers or any of the other things we as women buy into. I must admit that this rant was prompted by this post. The blogger who I know speaks eloquently about something I have grappled with for the past year, I like my gray hair but have had others tell me to color it. Why? It’s me. Just like this extra 10 lbs I am carrying around. Note, I am not saying if you color your hair or diet you have issues but for me those are not healthy things to fixate on.
Real people are messy and complex and we are constantly evolving as life happens to us.
Great post Shay. I had a strange thought while driving home the other . . . I thought to myself that in 10. 20 years, so much of what I worry about now won’t matter 1/16th as much. That was comforting in a way . . . and I kind of wish I could get to that point right now but I don’t think that’s how it works. It takes time to gain the perspective. So yes, I’m super-focused on my weight. And the gray hair I have (at 28!) is troublesome. But I do realize that in the *grand* scheme of things, these things really don’t matter and each day I grow more comfortable with my “imperfections”. But I think it takes time for that realization to really, really sink in.
@ Christelyn:
evil butt habit = smoking
Sheepishly I ask, what was the “evil butt habit?” 🙂
I oscillate between accepting weight changes, not so much because I am just terribly vain, vapid and shallow (wait…)
It’s more because I have an almost overwhelming fear of the health problems that run rampant in my family–diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis. I lost my dad last year after he died of multiple mini-strokes. I still haven’t gotten over seeing my dad, my most loved, on tubes, wires and breathing machines. I say to myself, please God, let that never be me. If I can help it, it won’t.
Miz Shay, I know how you feel. 😉
I was a tiny little woman in my early 20’s. I was a natural size 4 with nice boobs and hips. Now at 26, I’m a size 8/10. Not fat by any means, but not the slim girl I was back then. Depression drove me to develop unhealthy habits…so now I’m carrying a lot of baggage on my petite 5’1″ frame.
I’m trying to lose weight so I can be healthy and happy.
Sometimes I feel insecure about my body and my overall physical appearance. I like your attitude about it, though.
I wish I had your confidence. You rock! 🙂
Well I finally had to come to terms with the fact that my ass jiggles. My son smacked my butt one day and asked me why does my my move? Yeah it was great moment. I got the Payless version of the walking sneakers and I must say they work, ass is a little more solid lol. In my younger Navy days I was a 5/6 too and skinny to boot-no hips or boobies. I’m an 8/10 now (would like less boobies tho) and I like it. To quote Nicey Nash “I like my jiggly parts!” it’s a softness I didn’t have before and I’m totally cool with it. I also think that when women get older we need a little bit of weight on us especially our faces. But I do love my hair dye tho I haven’t found a color, I’m a red fiend but since I’m rocking my fluff-and-go ‘fro I don’t want to look like Ronald McDonald. SMH…
I so agree with this: “Real people are messy and complex and we are constantly evolving as life happens to us.” And basically, if you can see it in this holistic way, it’s a fantastic way to see the world.
We’re both terrible with the commitment thing, but we could plan a weekly walk. Kill two birds (or many) with one stone…? Wanna? I’d love it.
Will email to follow-up. I just haven’t commented over here in a long time. I’ve been reading, though!
I abandoned any form of dieting about six years or so ago and instead decided I am going to eat 80/20 and move ass an hour a day in some kind of “exercise” related way and just try to be more active in general. I have always been chubby/thick/fat, but I didn’t appreciate how awesome my body was until my focus was solely on taking care of myself and not fitting into sexy pants. I am actually a good chubbylicious weight for my body, one both my doctor and I feel works for me realistically for both my body type and my mental health. (we’ve fought this battle both as allies and adversaries for years)
I love your thinking on this. It’s honest, inspiring and it was great to read today.
Thanks Amy! My relationship to the numbers has always been problematic and its a huge deal for me to see those numbers go up and be completly fine. I suspect its the reality that was brought home after being sick that life is way too short to sweat the small shit and scales are indeed small shit. I loved what you wrote about your hair, I had no idea you colored your hair but love the gray. I love gray hair because having lost my Mom when she was only 50 and had no chance to get gray I see gray hair as a sign of aging. In my case I wish to live long enough to not only see gray hair but things get saggy too. 😉
YES!! It’s so good to read these words from you, Shay!! And many mwahs for the linky link.