What Chilli wants…my thoughts

Ever since I read this book recently, I had been planning on writing about single women and the search for the perfect man. I know, I am not a single woman, haven’t been one in 15 years now but as a woman who is more or less happily married, I might know a thing or two about men. I would tell any woman, if you want to get married and settle down, you would do good to go and talk to someone who has been married a long time…at least 10 years. Ideally 20 or more if you can find such a person. Why? Because these will often be folks who can give you some real info, not that crap pumped out by self-help guru’s and folks like Patty of the Millionaire Matchmaker who have never been married. Look, marriage in many ways is like having a child. Yes there are professionals who understand marriage and parenting without ever having experienced it but folks who have experienced it often have a lot to share.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night since elder boy had to head off really early to catch an early morning flight in Boston. I tried to go back to sleep and sleep decided to go  MIA so in the absence of sleep, I decided to catch up on my television viewing. Turns out in the middle of the night, there are not a lot of great options and so I landed on Vh-1 and caught some piece of fuckery “What Chilli Wants”. Chilli is a former member of the 1990’s group TLC and is now looking for a man to settle down with. I know…its vh1. Anyway Chilli is working with a coach who from what I can gather will help guide her in the right direction. Now I will admit I did not see the entire show but often these types of shows don’t require you watch from beginning to end to figure them out.

Now to start off with Chilli seems like a nice lady, she is clearly attractive despite rocking the baby hair…um, what the fuck is up with that? But..and if you a 30 something woman, it’s a big but, she is a single mama. Look, there is nothing wrong with being a single Mama but self-awareness is a great thing. Ladies when you hit your 30’s and still aren’t married, you are now competing not only with other fabulous women in their 30’s but also babes in their 20’s. Seriously a man in his 30’s and this is not a race thing cuz despite the fact that all we ever hear about are lonely Black women and Black men partnering with White women, the truth is whites got it tough too, but that is another blog post.

So if you are a single Mama in your 30’s despite still having a fabulous figure you are actually already coming with a slight disadvantage as far as the pool of men who might want you. I met the Spousal Unit when elder boy was 3 and remarried when he was 5, I suspect had he been older that could have changed the dynamics greatly. In my informal poll, women I know who were single Mamas who did marry someone other than their kid’s father seem to have greater luck when their kids are younger. It’s hard enough for a man to step in and know he may need to parent a child that is not his but make that kid a pre-teen or teenager and it gets harder, not impossible just harder.

So now that we have established what Chilli is working with, lets see what it is she wants. Well she wants a fine man who has a 6 pack, loves God, non smoking, non drinking, has money and oh…he can’t eat pork. Look at that list again and see if you can spot the items that seem based on fantasy island. Look, I can dig the fact that non smoking and non drinking are on the list, those have the ability to impact quality time spent together. But 6 pack abs? For real? Chilli, you are cute and all but do you realize that outside the entertainment world that real men past a certain age well, they might not have 6 pack abs….hell they might not even have a 4 pack. Bodies change and no it’s not about letting yourself go but in the real world at a certain age to maintain those 6 pack abs might require a man who spends all his time at the gym. Do you really want that?

By the way what is up with the no pork? I gotta be honest if you said you are a vegetarian and wanted a fellow non meat eater I wouldn’t even blink, but shit like no pork sounds pretentious..again, do you really want a man? I got to be honest Chilli you seem like you still working with the checklist of a young girl and not a grown woman. It’s ok though because many women do the same thing. For some reason women the idea of Prince Charming is drilled into our heads at an early age and in some cases we never let go then wonder why we aren’t happily married. Well for starters maybe we need to toss out the fucking list, men rarely have a list, hell men generally know in a short span of time if a woman is potential wife/mama material but ladies we are so caught up in the fantasy that we let good men pass us by. Often for superficial reasons, I have joked before, I almost turned the Spousal Unit down when he asked me out. Why? For starters he is only 5’9…never mind he is taller than me, even wearing heels he is still taller than me. Like many women thoughI wanted a tall man over 6 ft tall..funny thing is my first husband was well over 6 ft tall, even still has a full head of hair (how many women won’t date a bald or balding man..I am married to one) yet we did not work out. Yet when I let go of my childish ideas of what a man should be, I found one.

So to all my single ladies maybe its time to do away with the list because really most of the things we tend to put on the list are silly…as for Chilli I hope she finds love thought she is going to have to be willing to adjust her needs and wants. Otherwise Chilli will be a 40 something single Mama looking for love.