Peri you b**ch….talking woman talk!

Today’s post is for the gals, specifically the gals in their late 30’s and beyond or for those who love such a gal. Granted if you are younger feel free to read because one day your time will come; by the way this post is not for the squeamish…nah, I am not getting super gross but this is a real talk post.

It’s been a while but can we revisit the issue of perimenopause, or Peri as I have taken to calling this wretched bitch. Yeah, Peri has me down today, add in this freak snow storm in late October and I am feeling like hot shit. I have a birthday coming up soonish, first of the year to be exact. All goes well it will be my last year in my 30’s and let me tell you in recent months, I am really starting to feel a shift in my body.

I always love when someone tells me I am not old, no 38 is not exactly old as Methuselah but let’s get real, 38 ain’t 18 and while my mind is young, my body is starting to let me know in subtle and not so subtle way that I am moving away from my youth. Back in my youth, my period was a mild inconvenience, yeah the cramps sucked but that’s what Advil was for! In the past year though my periods have started to consume my life, for starters these mood swings a week before my period actually begins are brutal! Just the other day, the Spousal Unit joked it was no longer I that needed a red tent but maybe he needs a getaway. Some women would find that comment sexist and get pissed but the truth is lately I get so uncontrollably ragey for several days that I want to run out of my own damn body! The unexplainable rage is scary; I call it the I don’t like anyone time of month…that is the truth. People just piss me off, their crime? They exist and that is all.

Let’s add in the fact that in the past year that once my flow starts, there is no relief until she is over. I mean really, how can you have relief when you are flowing like the Nile River? Once upon a time, a pad and tampon combined was just an extra added precaution to ensure no accidents. I am now up to super plus tampons and large pads yet in the first 36 hours of my cycle, I am soaking these bitches to completion in 2-3 hours. Yes, you read that shit correctly. Think about that for a minute…it means that if my flow starts on a day when working from the house is not an option, I live in fear of accidents.

Oh, I have talked to my health care provider, and we have discussed my options, hormonal options that might at least level out my personal river aren’t an option for numerous reasons. There were some other possibilities but thanks to that pesky factoid that I lack health insurance, most are way too cost prohibitive at this time. So for 6-7 days a month, I am a flowing river, add in the 6-7 days a month when humans annoy me, that basically means half the month now is impacted and driven by my hormones. It sounds funny but the truth is it’s anything but funny and had someone told me this shit when I was oh 30, I would have said you are fucking crazy!

I was in a meeting the other night with a gal dealing with hot flashes (she’s a bit older than me) and for all her misery, all I could think was if the hot flashes mean I at least lose the river flow, I will gladly embrace that stage of my womanly development!

Now that I have gotten down to the nitty gritty, let me ask why didn’t anyone tell us this shit? Seriously, why are women waltzing towards perimenopause so uninformed? It wasn’t until I started occasionally bringing this stuff up that I realized I was not special, that almost every women I know in my age demographic is battling some form of this peri madness. Yeah, we talk about the upside of hitting our late 30’s which is that sex is great, for many of us our drive goes up, up and away. Some weeks I joke with the Spousal Unit I need to become a cougar or some shit; everyone knows women hit their peak around this time. So yeah, that’s fucking awesome but then it’s completely blown away by this nasty shit. I mean raging sex hormones when the world is pissing you off is actually a fucked up combination. One minute you are screaming at your poor partner and the next you are like “come here and do me now!”

Ladies we have to do better, our daughters need to know that there is more than puberty and menopause. More importantly we need to talk about this stuff so that if nothing else there is comfort in knowing we are not the only ones. As for me, back to the fetal position and counting the days I am “normal” again.

PS: If you are in this age group and haven’t experienced perimenopause, you are a lucky woman and don’t tell me.

4 thoughts on “Peri you b**ch….talking woman talk!”

  1. I am laughing and crying all at the same time…Been there, done that! I am a few years older than you (41) and thought that monthly hemorrhaging was a bit extreme so I discussed it with my doctor, who told me “You’re too young for that!” Well, tell that bitch Peri I am too young! She can visit someone else for a few years until you think I am old enough!!!

    I hope the bitch doesn’t give you the same progression as me, because if so, the hemorrhaging stops and you have the UNENDING visitor. The rage slows to a trickle that lasts 15 days. No joke. In 5 months I probably didn’t need tampons or pads for a total of 2 weeks. I visited my “You’re too young” doctor again and told her, “I’m done having kids and I don’t need that equipment anymore. PLEASE TAKE IT OUT!” No luck so far…but I’m gonna keep asking every time I go. Peri is MOST DEF a Bitch!

  2. Um, Sex and the City clearly skipped over this shit. And that’s where I go for the Truth.

    I don’t know what scares me more: an incessant need to bone or the flotation device I may have to sit on at all times?

    But now when it happens, I’ll know that I’m not going insane. Unless I already am insane, which I may be.

    I did laugh my ass off at your pain. I’ll pull out a tampon tonight and light it in solidarity. =)

  3. I’m not sure if what I have is perimenopause. But, I RAGE the week leading up to my cycle. This started happening when I hit my early thirties. After reading your post, I’m afraid for what awaits me now that I have entered the second half of my thirties and am looking towards 40. Good helps us, one and all!

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