Love in Black and White

Being the Internet junkie I am, I spend a lot of time avoiding client work by hanging out on discussion boards and reading blogs. During the past few months, I have started reading more and more blogs by Black women who are interested in or are involved in interracial relationships. Now I enjoy reading them since after all, my very beloved spousal unit happens to be white, even my no longer beloved ex-spousal unit is white. Yet as I like to joke the fact that when I married a second time, I married yet another white man was the universe’s way of telling me don’t ever say never..

See, when the not so beloved ex and I split up, I swore up and  down, I was done with white men and I meant that from the bottom of my heart. In fact to prove my point I immediately hooked up with a Black man in what became a roller coaster of an emotional ride. That relationship was probably the most passionate that I have ever been involved in, the highs were high and the lows were low but in the end, despite giving 250%, the relationship crashed and burned after it was learned that brotha man was not as faithful as I expect my man to be. All I will say is that his Blackness probably saved him from some of the evil shit I have done in the past to white partners that have wronged me. (I used to be a real crazy broad, like I joke I am 1/8 Mexican and handy with a blade, I will cut a motha who wrongs me).

No, I did not run back to white men after getting done wrong by brotha man, but just figured that again if I ever took that long walk down the short aisle it would be with a man who shared my cultural makeup. However fate intervened and the hubster walked into my life and despite my desire for a man of my own hue, meeting a man who shared the qualities and values that I find critical in a mate, I decided to overlook that one pesky trait he lacked and that I desired…a high melanin content.

We have been married 11 years this fall, together 13 years and its been a ride. We love each other, we don’t argue much and considering that he puts up with my perimenopausal ass without much fuss does make him a keeper. Plus any man that can change shitty diapers without being asked gets a gold star.

However race does matter and it matters even more to me as I get older and no, I am not getting rid of him anytime soon. But when I hear sistas clamor to connect with white men because they think they will have better relationships, I must admit a part of me gets sad. Then when I hear sistas bash Black men, I must admit I actually get mad. See having done this marriage thing for a long time now, I know that a man is just a man and yes white boys may initially have a few more advantages over the brothas but at the end of the day, a white man is just a man. They can break your heart in a million pieces just like a Black man and sometime say shit that will hurt you more than anything a Black man can do.

When I see young sistas catagorically reject Black men, it makes me wonder how do they feel about their fathers? Brothers? Uncles? My dad was the first man I loved and my brother the second, so if I were to say all Black men are shit, what would I be saying about my own Pops? Catch my drift?

No, its ok to want to date across the racial spectrum but at the end of the day, I say fall in love with a person for who they are inside, not because you think a certain type of man is better than another. Living in Maine, I see plenty of white women wishing they had a decent man so I know all women are looking for Mister Right.

Yet when we say no to people who look like us, I think that speaks volumes for who we are deep down. Truth is we live in a society that pretty much does not value Black women, its for us to claim our space in this place and value ourselves but if valuing ourselves means tearing down our brothas, I say fuck that shit. Thing is even when you partner with a white man and have his babies, them children will still share your Black DNA and as a sista friend and I were discussing its important that biracial kids know who they are because we live in a world that despite the lip-service we give to embracing diversity as my son can tell you, them kids are considered Black.

So love who you want sistas, just don’t forget where we come from in the process.

12 thoughts on “Love in Black and White”

  1. I am so glad you wrote this. I have wanted to hear the viewpoint of a sister in an inter-racial relationship for so long. You gave me a lot of thinking points. Thanks again for
    writing this.

  2. This was great and I have the opposite problem I feel like I only want a black man I mean I don’t rule out white men but I have yet have a white man make me want to date him. I do think deep down in my heart dating a white man I have unresolved issues like what if he says something in anger that will never be able to be taken back. I mean I like to think that I wouldn’t date someone who would say that in anger but I know that I do have that thought of OH NO WHAT IF!

    But in reality you are right love someone for who they are on the inside not who they are on the outside.


  3. wow – interesting. i wouldn’t know where to begin with a white man – i think it’s something i’d definitely check out if ever presented with the opportunity – but its not likely. i just assume that white men are not interested in light skinned black women (in general). i wouldn’t even recognize the ‘white man’s flirt’ lol

  4. i had a friend who used to live in maine – and when she left, i did not think there were any more black girls in maine

  5. I can’t speak to this issue beyond that people are people no matter what race, so it applies that men are men no matter the melanin in their skin.

    You mentioned you’re reading more IR blogs, and you probably know about this one, if not, you might enjoy it.

  6. I dated a white man for two years. That was after I dated an Hispanic man. I was not looking to date a white man. It just so happened that we met and we clicked. No brothas were knocking down my door and the white man was nice, a gentleman, kind, etc.–until we broke up, LOL! I’m looking to date again, and I have to admit that my preference is white (maybe because that’s what I’m used to), but if a great black man (or some other color) comes my way, so be it.

    I used to read those interracial blogs a lot. I still do, only not as frequently, because I started getting depressed. My biggest gripe with them is that some of the authors make it seem like if you don’t get a white or non-bm *yesterday*, there is no hope for you! Your eggs will dry up and you’ll forever be alone, or something like that. They tend to generalize and make all black men seem like demons, and I know that’s not true.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences here.

  7. Very well said!!!

    I have always been a firm believer in falling in love with the person, not the color of their skin.

  8. Nice post, my love. Glad you think of me in such glowing terms; now if only I didn’t glow in the dark.

  9. I agree with your points regarding interracial relationships. Im all for dating WHOEVER you want to, regardless of race. But I notice that within the black American community, there is a ‘gender war’ going on and it is quite sad. There are some interracial blogs hosted by black women where negative comments are made about black men, but there are COUNTLESS more where the men are doing the bashing. I dont agree with either, but I support the notion of more black women being open to dating interracially (there’ve been a lot of interracial marriages involving black women since this whole interracial movement thinger began).

  10. “perimenopausal ass without much fuss does make him a keeper”

    I can so relate!

    My man is Egyptian, not white in my eyes but not black in anyone elses either, and definately culturally different!

    You asked what do sisters who categorically disdain black men ( or something like that) think of their dads, uncles and brothers. Well…

    I know some have been abandoned by their fathers
    Disappointed in their brothers
    Molested by their uncles and cousins


    It makes it hard to “feel the love”, and yes I realize every hue of man has this sort of pathology but the black women who have felt this pain only feel it from their black perspective.

    I don’t know,

    I’m just rambling
    I like your blog

    and i actually hope to be in MAINE around the fall of 2012…long story, short life- I explain in m,y blog ineday.

    Stop by and visit me. I ramble there too, when I post that is!

Comments are closed.