Do you see?

I recently took a trip to a place with a person to make a purchase, the person I was making this trip with is someone who is a successful Ivy League grad, a person of means and power and a person who generally I find pretty pleasant to be around. Except that on the day we went to big box hell to make a purchase I saw another side of this person, it was impatient and frankly rude. See, the clerk at the big box store was doing his job being friendly with the folks ahead of us and apparently telling them about some promotion that the Big Box Extravaganza had going on. Well the folks ahead of us in line seemed interested in this promotion which meant that the line was not moving as fast as it could have, resulting a long wait in line.

Now my shopping companion found the fact that this Big  Box clerk would have the audacity to hold up the line doing his job unreasonable, so my companion went to the service stand and told the managerial person that the line was being held up. So the manager comes over and tells Big Box Clerk he needs to wrap it up…in the end we made it out the store with our purchase and went about our business.

However that incident bugged the shit out of me because my shopping mate was in no rush, I knew his schedule and knew he had no pressing plans for that day. Yet he just could not stand to wait…now I will admit I am not a patient person, but I have worked my share of shit ass jobs as an adult with a kid to take care of and always feel a strong sense of compassion for anyone over a certain age working at certain jobs. Our clerk that particular day at Big Box Hell was no younger than 35 and I think I am being generous. He was old enough that such a job was probably not his first choice in life but you do what you have to do. Frankly as someone who spent time in sales many years ago, I thought he had a great spiel and lovely attitude and suspect the reason he was trying so hard was that an incentive of some sort was probably being offered to the clerks if he sold enough of these specials…and lets face it if you are working at Big Box Extravaganza you probably need all the extra bucks you can get, so who am I to get in the way?

Anyway I walked away that day with a reminder that too many times we don’t see people, we simply do not see people who we perceive as different from us. Do you have a favorite place you stop to pick up a coffee, donut, newspaper? You know, the place you go to most days. If so do you actually speak to the folks who work there? Do you feel they are your equals? Or are they the wallpaper to your life, the little people who keep things going, but basically just background noise. In other words if they were suddenly gone and replaced by another person would you care? Hell, would you even notice?

I am reminded that even with those seemingly little people in our lives we have the power to touch lives in what may appear to be small insignificant exchanges yet are so much deeper than that. You never know how much your daily act of kindness and compassion may mean to another person. I learned this lesson when my Mother died, a couple of days before the memorial service I had to take my Dad’s suit to the dry cleaners. I went in and the owner recognized me since my Mom had introduced us not long after she and my dad and had moved into their dream place.

So I go in and the fella says aren’t you M’s daughter? I say yes and he proceeds to ask how is your Mama, I have not seen her in a while. So I explain that she has passed away and I need to get my Dad’s suit cleaned and back ASAP. I was expecting a simple exchange after all this was the dry cleaners, how well could my Mom have known the dry cleaners? Well I should have known that my Mom as always made it a point to impact every one she encountered, she was blessed with extreme physical beauty but more than her physical beauty which turned heads up until her death, she had a generous and giving personality. In my Mom’s life everyone was treated well and she was not a respecter of positions, rank  or any of that bullshit. My mom would stop and talk with a homeless person as easily as she could talk with the CEO of a major corporation. So it would make sense that even a boring event like taking clothes to the cleaners would be an encounter where my Mom would leave an impact.

I was not ready for what happened, the owner of the dry cleaners after realizing that I was quite serious and that my Mom had indeed passed away, started to cry and then hugged me. This man who my Mom saw at best 15-20 mins a week was clearly very touched and it was clear to me even then in my grief that she touched so many lives because she saw everyone. That incident is one of many after my Mom’s passing that has stayed with me not just because it involved my Mom, but because it’s a reminder if the type of life I strive to where everyone is seen and valued.

There are too many times we talk about the little people and even in our quest to help them by ways of activism or what have you, we simply miss the mark. Instead while I am blessed to have professional work that indeed impacts lives, the greatest impact I feel is just being a kind and decent person. I doubt I will ever fill my Mom’s shoes since my natural nature is not all that friendly but I will say in the last 7 years ever since I had a conversation with my Mom about a year before her passing. I have actively worked to see all and be a nicer person.

So dear reader, do you see everyone? Or do you only see the people in your world?

8 thoughts on “Do you see?”

  1. Glad you shared this, because I’m the same way as your mom as far as speaking to everyone. I actually realized when my mom was in the ER I get it from her. This was her second visit and she remembered her nurse’s face who was there before and asked her name, the other doctor’s name and basically was friendly and sweet at a time I’m sure she was scared sh*tless.

    Impatient a-holes with nowhere to go in line always irk me. Anyway great post!


  2. This was a great post. I always hated taking women out who were rude to waiters and the like. Not just because of the hazards involved in getting smart with food servers, but because it showed a serious lack of empathy. They couldn’ see themselves in that other person’s shoes, and that’s dangerous.

  3. Beautiful words about your mom; brought tears to my eyes–at her beauty, at the dry cleaner’s beauty and at your own. Thanks!

  4. I see everyone. But I won’t pick up hitchhikers tho. That’s just crazy. I have a friend who thinks that I have some kind of emotional hole in me because I like to help to people. She says I take in strays. She calls it my stray fixation. And it irritates the unholy hell outta me. I’m by nature a fixer. I see a problem and I try to fix it. More often than not it bits me the ass. Sometimes I go above and beyond and that’s what probably makes her give me the side eye. It’s probably because some of the people I choose to help are the down and out. And some of them have put themselves in those bad situations. But I tend to see the potential good in the majority of people I meet and I do know when its time to cut ties with them when they are not improving their lives. I won’t let them drag me down. But I like helping people and I won’t let someone who’s taken advantage of my good nature change who I am. I will help the next person I meet. I have been fortunate in my life to have family and people help me out when I’ve been in need so I like to pass on that good vibe and hopefully that next person will remember when they needed a hand someone was there to help them. A pay it forward kinda thing. With no stabbing at the end of the line.
    And having been behinds the scenes in the service industry, I know how jacked up people can be. They look customer service folks as disposable people. Now granted sometimes the customer service people are rude as hell but most are just doing their rather low paying job.
    Now one thing I will admit to is that while I am friendly I’m not always the smile at everyone type. I think that’s the New York in me while that same friend who crits me will talk to everyone. And that drives me crazy. lol

  5. Amy, I agree that we don’t see children as a whole. However as parents I think we do our kids and kids in a general disservice when we don’t demand that they be seen. How many times do parents themselves not take their own kids seriously? I am surprised how often I hear comments about how I talk to the girl child…that I am not yelling or threatening her. (it does happen but generally its when my own cup is empty) By and large of course I would treat her with respect and dignity, it wouldn’t cross my mind to do otherwise. But yes I agree with you. 😉

  6. Lurker coming out to say this was a beautiful post & very important to remember. Many many people are so self absorbed they aren’t concerned about the impact they have on others. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Thanks for this reminder Shay. I really do try as well. Especially in this economic climate, I realize it’s so important for us to build community. It takes nothing away from me to say good morning to folks or smile or be appreciative of things or to simply be patient.

  8. I try, Shay, I really do. I always say thank you or return a “have a nice day” with a “and you, too, thanks” to those who bag my groceries, bring me my meal, read my water meter, deliver my oil, cut my hair, etc. I, like my dad, will get into conversations with anyone and I tend to not see rank, social standing either. I think the other people we don’t see in this culture is children–we tend to overlook, disregard, belittle or otherwise disrespect children in this society, something I find reprehensible. Yes, anyway, I think your companion was being an ass.

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