As the wheels continue to fly off my personal life, moments of simple joy and normalcy are increasingly hard to come by. My son’s unexpected visit home this week promised to be an opportunity to simply be present with family and savor the simple joys of togetherness. To share in the love that makes us a family, without the heady labels that often weigh us down.
Yet, as a mixed-raced family in a white space, the reality is that anytime we leave our house as a family, we risk incurring the wrath of the ignorant and hateful. To partake in the joys of the first treats of spring can turn ugly without notice and, sadly, a visit to Maine’s most populous city yesterday was the day when the ugly became personal and my nine-year-old daughter learned that there are people who will never know her essence but instead will reduce her to nothing more than a nigger.
I had no intentions of blogging about what happened to my family yesterday in Portland, though in a fit of anger, I did tweet about it in vague terms. However our degradation was witnessed by many, including a local news anchor who shared what she witnessed on her Facebook page and when a news anchor shares such a tale in a state the size of Maine…well, it seems I should just write about it myself.
My husband, son, daughter and I were walking in downtown Portland in an area known as the Old Port. The Old Port is a cute little area with cobblestone streets and an assortment of boutiques and eateries that draw crowds. We had already shopped at several local shops and were off to grab gelato before heading back to our little hamlet when suddenly and without warning as we were waiting to cross the street, a carload of young white men approached and without warning, the young man in the passenger seat yelled out very clearly and very loudly “Hey, niggers!” In that moment, I was frozen, I was scared…I was hurt. Yet before I had time to process what I was feeling, my son dropped the bags he had been carrying and ran off after the car. As I snapped to and realized that my son might be doing something foolish, the sounds of my daughter wailing for her brother to not run pierced my soul. I called out to him, too, in the hopes he would stop but he said he had to run and never paused for a second.
We stood there unsure what to do next, a sense of shame seeping into our souls. To be othered so publicly in such a vile manner is not a comfortable feeling. In that moment, the three of us stood, not sure if we should run after my son. My husband walked across the street to see if he could see our boy, he couldn’t. My husband asked if I felt he should go after him, I said no. We needed to be here when he returned. In those excruciating moments, nothing was said to us, though what seemed like minutes later, a white man crossed the street and asked if we were okay. I explained what happened and he asked if I could recall what the car looked like and that he would go look for my son once his own ride arrived to pick him up.
Eventually, the standing became too much and the weight of worry caused me to start walking and look for my son, while I had my husband and daughter stay put. I walked a few blocks down the street and came upon my son who was walking back our way. He wasn’t harmed but his anger was apparent. As we walked, I held his arm just as I had done when he was a small boy which, considering he is now a full head-plus taller than me, is laughable. I asked him why he ran, he told me he ran for every time growing up in Maine that a grown man had called him a nigger and he was too little to do anything but hang his head. He ran because he is tired of hanging his head and feeling nothing but shame. He ran because having his baby sister hear those vile words was simply not acceptable to him. He ran because a pack of white men calling his mama a nigger was not okay. He knew the risk inherent in running but he also knew that at 23, he is tired of stuffing down the weight of racism and being asked to be the “better person” by silently taking the abuse and waiting for society to change when it clearly has little impetus to do so. He realized that sometimes, a man has to be willing to risk everything, including an ass kicking or a jail cell, to right some of the wrongs in this world. It may seem…or maybe even be…foolish, but there comes a time when one is simply tired of dealing with injustice.
I have spent the last 11 years writing about race and racism. I head one of the few organizations in the United States dedicated to anti-racism work. While I can go into an academic head space about racism, the fact is it is very different when it is your family and your children living with the reality and weight of being different and being seen as less than fully human. It hurts and if you think about it too much, it will crush your spirit. Yesterday’s events were a psychic gut punch in a week that had already doled out a more than a few psychic kicks.
When I tweeted about the exchange, I was literally blowing off steam on the ride back home and had no intention to really talk about it again. But waking up to numerous messages and to see my painful exchange shared publicly and in detail, well…I am grateful for the anchor’s observations but I am also saddened. Saddened that she was not comfortable enough after seeing the entire exchange to come over and ask “Are you okay?” In my professional work, I work with white people on race and the white American culture is a, all-too-polite space where too many times white people don’t speak up and unfortunately silence can be harmful. Racism is a system, and that silence upholds that system even when we don’t believe we are actively creating harm.
In having the story go public, it created many questions and one being: What happened afterwards? Well we had a sober ride home, the mood of the day being utterly destroyed on a day that we honestly needed to be good. We needed a perfect spring day to savor as we grapple with the uncertainty and fragility of life. Instead, we were reminded that the world can be an utterly ugly place, my daughter asking on the way home if we could move away from this place. I reminded her that ugly can live anywhere. If I felt there was a place that was safe and where we could be assured that we would never hear that word again, I would move heaven and earth to get us there. However, there is no such space in a world that is not comfortable with Black and Brown bodies, instead all I can do is prepare her for what she faces and pray that her gentle soul is not destroyed in the process. Prepare her to wear the mask and stuff down her self just enough to stay strong but not too much otherwise the weight of the mask that Black and Brown people wear in spaces becomes too much and will eat you alive.
So, that’s what happens when you go out on a gorgeous spring day and you’re Black. Your humanity, security and even dignity can get snatched away in a second. You feel the pain, you try not to let it utterly consume you, and then you take it and stick in the jar and keep it moving.
I will keep moving. As will my family. Sometimes, if you try to tear us down, we will run. Not away from you but after you, and you will see us in your rearview mirror or over your shoulder. Even if you outpace us, we will ensure you do not forget us or take us lightly ever again.
When are we going to stop referring to people by the color of their skin? I am appalled by the behavior of people in general. That we are still not able to rise above the prejudices in 2015 is so disheartening. I grew up in Maine, and had very little exposure to people that didn’t look exactly like me, but I would like to think, that even though I grew up in a house where my parents were not accepting of other races, I tried to be. I don’t know if I have been successful. I believe that all people deserve the same respect. Yelling derogatory comments out car windows is just wrong, no matter the target or the comment. Those boys were raised poorly and should be ashamed of their behavior. I cannot begin to think that I understand the pain that incident has caused your family, I can only relate it to the many times as a child that I was teased or bullied and called names for being fat or too sensitive, always calling me a crybaby. It hurts and it stays with you your entire life.
I am torn between being gals I wasn’t there to witness such disgusting and shameful behavior and wishing I were there to tell those ignorant , bigoted , poor excuse for men exactly what I thought. I am so sorry you had this experience and that you’ve had to experience so many more . I would wish, in this state at the the very least, in this day and time, a family could enjoy a day together and not be assaulted.
I am so sorry that you and your beautiful family were verbally insulted and humiliated by an ignorant and hateful white man. I am sorry for the racist undercurrent that poisons our society.
I honor your steadiness, your son’s courage and pride, your daughter’s confusion and hurt and the resilience of your family’s heart. For those if us who take our unearned, undeserved privilege because of the color of our skin for granted…may we awaken and dedicate our lives to making the world a respectful and safe place for all.
Racism is endemic in our society. All one has to do is observe the divide that exist in D.C.. The political demographics of our elected National figures mirrors our divide .When has their been such a backlash to a freely elected POTUS & all his endeavors ? NEVER! Why? what the difference ? .Racism will not be resolved quickly ; it will take generations of the following combination: attrition,patience,addressing legitimate grievances, and education.
It’s a shame that this happens to anyone, anywhere in the world, but it’s a fact that it does, and has for years, and probably will for many more, but thanks to Jackie Ward, it’s been brought to the attention of many people here in Maine. It was not something she wrote for self promotion, it was written because she was shocked and upset by it. For those that say she should have done something, rushed to the family, asked if they were ok, or anything else other than just write about it, I doubt most of you would have done anything other than continue on with your day. Even the son has not reacted to a similar situation in the past. (http://www.temp.blackgirlinmaine.com/maine/killing-a-childs-spirit-or-growing-up-black-in-maine/) It’s hard to insert yourself into a situation like this, and I give a lot of credit to Jackie Ward for writing about it, otherwise very few people would be aware if the incident, and not realize it happens here in Maine.
As a citizen of Maine and a person who was in the back seat of a car going to the store in Louisiana when the young driver “chased” an African American woman across a street.Fifty-three years ago this week I had my first frightening experience with racism. I froze in fear and disbelief for the woman and because the teens were laughing and screaming “Move you N!” I was thirteen years old and I was a white person but I was raised differently.My shock was based upon the fact that they could have hit her.My fear was deeper because they thought their actions normal,funny and okay. I was an outsider too. I was outside the beliefs of this group of teens. This week I took the news anchors story as a wake-up call. I am sorry if I missed the fact that others might read it as cruel by her inaction or the word “adorable” as racism. I didn’t;
I saw it as a reported event made personal. I took even more from the blog and responses above. We need to be diligent. We are a global society that hasn’t grown into being one….half a century of new technology coming at light speed and humanity shuffling along. As a white person where do I go to live where people love humanity enough to embrace all cultures, colors and beliefs? My late husband would say,”Heaven”. I do not want to believe his response.. I must be alert to making my space in the world livable for all and fro always.. I thank Jackie for voicing her observation and her response to her thinking at the time she did her FB page and later too.Sadly it awakened a nightmare in me that I have been suppressing for over half a century, but it is always just under the surface. It strikes with every news event and with this event too. Thanks to Jackie I have been awakened again. I hope if placed in such a situation I do not freeze. I too must learn to act not just react for the world has no walls and I hope I have a few more years to work to bring a bit of Heaven to earth.
I am extremely sorry this happened to you. But, as a fellow Mainer, i take offense to you making it sound like everyone in Maine is racist. This is not true. Don’t let a bunch of ignorant d-bags set your views on everyone from Maine. There is ignorance no matter where you go, but most in Maine are pretty accepting. Again, I am so sorry for you, but I guess I’m trying to say we aren’t all bad
I am, truly, very sorry for all that people, of any color, have to endure in this time and age. Jesus is always portrayed as white but chances are His skin was dark. People should remember that especially on this Easter Sunday. God bless your family and especially your little girl.
I promise that if I ever witness anything of this sort, I WILL interject, it is our duty as human beings to care for one another and this is a crime against humanity.
Please take this comment not so lightly. In a state I grew up in and direct on the street in public. This kind of attitude today not only speaks clearly to but about our children. The common reference to “What is wrong with america today?” Kids Its My generation not willing to be involved and do the work tearing down the wall of Hate and injustice. Kids it’s the taking Grace and Holy Wisdom from public places as well as the School systems. Kids it’s allowing from Marten Luther King to your Mother today, such a choice of mannerism not anymore taught to our children today cause we are lazy. No because we are ourselves are insecure of our lives! Kids Its my fault and the blame does not make it go away. But the time is now! So lets get together and whoop this in the butt as quickly as we can. Your Mom need not be tormented by this! Mr. Rodney J Adams