As the wheels continue to fly off my personal life, moments of simple joy and normalcy are increasingly hard to come by. My son’s unexpected visit home this week promised to be an opportunity to simply be present with family and savor the simple joys of togetherness. To share in the love that makes us a family, without the heady labels that often weigh us down.
Yet, as a mixed-raced family in a white space, the reality is that anytime we leave our house as a family, we risk incurring the wrath of the ignorant and hateful. To partake in the joys of the first treats of spring can turn ugly without notice and, sadly, a visit to Maine’s most populous city yesterday was the day when the ugly became personal and my nine-year-old daughter learned that there are people who will never know her essence but instead will reduce her to nothing more than a nigger.
I had no intentions of blogging about what happened to my family yesterday in Portland, though in a fit of anger, I did tweet about it in vague terms. However our degradation was witnessed by many, including a local news anchor who shared what she witnessed on her Facebook page and when a news anchor shares such a tale in a state the size of Maine…well, it seems I should just write about it myself.
My husband, son, daughter and I were walking in downtown Portland in an area known as the Old Port. The Old Port is a cute little area with cobblestone streets and an assortment of boutiques and eateries that draw crowds. We had already shopped at several local shops and were off to grab gelato before heading back to our little hamlet when suddenly and without warning as we were waiting to cross the street, a carload of young white men approached and without warning, the young man in the passenger seat yelled out very clearly and very loudly “Hey, niggers!” In that moment, I was frozen, I was scared…I was hurt. Yet before I had time to process what I was feeling, my son dropped the bags he had been carrying and ran off after the car. As I snapped to and realized that my son might be doing something foolish, the sounds of my daughter wailing for her brother to not run pierced my soul. I called out to him, too, in the hopes he would stop but he said he had to run and never paused for a second.
We stood there unsure what to do next, a sense of shame seeping into our souls. To be othered so publicly in such a vile manner is not a comfortable feeling. In that moment, the three of us stood, not sure if we should run after my son. My husband walked across the street to see if he could see our boy, he couldn’t. My husband asked if I felt he should go after him, I said no. We needed to be here when he returned. In those excruciating moments, nothing was said to us, though what seemed like minutes later, a white man crossed the street and asked if we were okay. I explained what happened and he asked if I could recall what the car looked like and that he would go look for my son once his own ride arrived to pick him up.
Eventually, the standing became too much and the weight of worry caused me to start walking and look for my son, while I had my husband and daughter stay put. I walked a few blocks down the street and came upon my son who was walking back our way. He wasn’t harmed but his anger was apparent. As we walked, I held his arm just as I had done when he was a small boy which, considering he is now a full head-plus taller than me, is laughable. I asked him why he ran, he told me he ran for every time growing up in Maine that a grown man had called him a nigger and he was too little to do anything but hang his head. He ran because he is tired of hanging his head and feeling nothing but shame. He ran because having his baby sister hear those vile words was simply not acceptable to him. He ran because a pack of white men calling his mama a nigger was not okay. He knew the risk inherent in running but he also knew that at 23, he is tired of stuffing down the weight of racism and being asked to be the “better person” by silently taking the abuse and waiting for society to change when it clearly has little impetus to do so. He realized that sometimes, a man has to be willing to risk everything, including an ass kicking or a jail cell, to right some of the wrongs in this world. It may seem…or maybe even be…foolish, but there comes a time when one is simply tired of dealing with injustice.
I have spent the last 11 years writing about race and racism. I head one of the few organizations in the United States dedicated to anti-racism work. While I can go into an academic head space about racism, the fact is it is very different when it is your family and your children living with the reality and weight of being different and being seen as less than fully human. It hurts and if you think about it too much, it will crush your spirit. Yesterday’s events were a psychic gut punch in a week that had already doled out a more than a few psychic kicks.
When I tweeted about the exchange, I was literally blowing off steam on the ride back home and had no intention to really talk about it again. But waking up to numerous messages and to see my painful exchange shared publicly and in detail, well…I am grateful for the anchor’s observations but I am also saddened. Saddened that she was not comfortable enough after seeing the entire exchange to come over and ask “Are you okay?” In my professional work, I work with white people on race and the white American culture is a, all-too-polite space where too many times white people don’t speak up and unfortunately silence can be harmful. Racism is a system, and that silence upholds that system even when we don’t believe we are actively creating harm.
In having the story go public, it created many questions and one being: What happened afterwards? Well we had a sober ride home, the mood of the day being utterly destroyed on a day that we honestly needed to be good. We needed a perfect spring day to savor as we grapple with the uncertainty and fragility of life. Instead, we were reminded that the world can be an utterly ugly place, my daughter asking on the way home if we could move away from this place. I reminded her that ugly can live anywhere. If I felt there was a place that was safe and where we could be assured that we would never hear that word again, I would move heaven and earth to get us there. However, there is no such space in a world that is not comfortable with Black and Brown bodies, instead all I can do is prepare her for what she faces and pray that her gentle soul is not destroyed in the process. Prepare her to wear the mask and stuff down her self just enough to stay strong but not too much otherwise the weight of the mask that Black and Brown people wear in spaces becomes too much and will eat you alive.
So, that’s what happens when you go out on a gorgeous spring day and you’re Black. Your humanity, security and even dignity can get snatched away in a second. You feel the pain, you try not to let it utterly consume you, and then you take it and stick in the jar and keep it moving.
I will keep moving. As will my family. Sometimes, if you try to tear us down, we will run. Not away from you but after you, and you will see us in your rearview mirror or over your shoulder. Even if you outpace us, we will ensure you do not forget us or take us lightly ever again.
I’m sorry that this happened, sorry that news anchor acted in such a privileged way, sorry your spring day was ruined. I wish there was more that I could do about this specifically than offer those words, but like Kristi, I can’t walk away from this without saying I’m sorry, and thank you for being wiling to share what happened, and … hell, I’m just so sorry.
Telling you I am sorry, despite being heartfelt, is meaningless. White space is “polite space” but politeness can cover a whole host of ills: abuse, violence, and racism to name a few.
Honestly, even though what your son did was extremely dangerous for anyone, much less a young black man, his frustration and courage are palpable. His instincts were good.
I am tired of white supremacy, white fragility, white lies. I am exhausted by white silence. I don’t have enough breath to apologize, but I can stand up, speak out, and support. ❤️
I’m sorry. That’s all I’ve got, but I couldn’t read without commenting.
Speechless and weepy. Horrified really. I’m so sorry.
Truly the pits. I’ll add mine to the chorus of apologies and sadness that this happened to you. Something similar happened to our family shortly after moving to Oregon two decades ago, a carful of young white men driving by and hanging out the window to shout racial epithets related to us being visibly Muslim. I was a teen at the time, and remember being so taken aback. It’s a surreal experience. I hope your little girl will be okay. The world is overripe with fear and violence, learning to cope with this is a scary, lifelong process and I’m sorry it had to begin for her at such a young age.
Thanks you for sharing this personal and powerful post. I still remember the first time that I was called the n-word (to my face). Somehow it didn’t happen until I was in college. I was walking by myself on campus, about to catch the bus home from a late night at the library. A car with 3 white guys pulled up to me and yelled ‘Hey N*gger!’ They slowed down like they were going to get out of the car, but then they drove away. So many emotions went through me so fast – anger, fear, shock, hurt. I wish my son wouldn’t have to deal with this, but I don’t live in fantasyland. My husband and I have been preparing our now preteen son for when (not ‘if’) it will happen to him. Sadly, we know he won’t truly understand our teachings until it does, then ‘the talk’ will really begin and he will not see things the same away again.
This racial episode really makes me ashamed of my fellow man! In this day and age no one should have to have “the talk” about the “N” word except us white people explaining to our children about the ignorance and cruelty of our ancestors! Growing up in the ’60’s we used to sing that little “eeny meeny miny mo” song with that word in it. We didn’t know any better and our parents never told us that it was wrong. You can bet that as soon as I got older and understood that it was so wrong that I never said that word again! My children learned that song with that word replaced with “tiger”!! We all need to learn that we were all created equal and that the only “race” we belong to is the HUMAN RACE!!l!
Very sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully some good will come of it.
Sis, you know if there was a place in Earth remotely kind to Black bodies every Black face on the planet would be trying to make it there.
I am sorry you had to go through this and disgusted that some White woman told YOUR story for attention, a cookie and a pat on the head.
SERIOUSLY??? ‘Disgusted that some white women told your story’ Racisim goes both ways, your comment isn’t any better than what the ignorant boys spewed from the car.
No it IS totally wrong that the white tv news anchor described this incident in the way she did, without any interaction, or connection. Sure there was some empathy, but it was all in the way she described this family as “adorable” which was ever so condescending and perpetuates that idea of them as being separate, identifiable, noticeable. THAT, Betsy, is RACISM!!! Jackie Ward did not even speak to this family, did not even bother to find them out and interview them, did not take a statement, did not check their situation, did not even contact the woman after she found out her identity. There is nothing on her page on FB which shows a dialogue between the two, beyond the black woman’s missive to Jackie. I find that totally irresponsible on the part of a media person. Blech.
Please, comments like that alienate people that agree with you about the real problem. Grow up.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to consider what, exactly, in that statement feels alienating to you.
Amen.
I totally agree Jackie Ward had no business posting about this and saying “adorable”, really was condescending. If Jackie wanted change, she should have gone over to the family and offered her apologies for having witnessed the event, and for the ignorance of others.
‘Adorable’ sounds a bit like she was going overboard in praising the family either as a clumsy way of showing people she’s not a racist, or maybe interracial families make her uncomfortable but that fact makes her even more uncomfortable so she needed to do something to prove to herself she isn’t a racist. Doesn’t make it any better, really, but it sounds more clueless than anything else, so maybe she’s a teachable sort.
Jackie Ward posted a FB message as Jackie Ward, a person, not Jackie Ward a news anchor. She was appalled with the situation. She deserves credit for that. Could she, should she have gone to the family?? Not everyone knows how or what to do/say in situations. I think your comments are judgmental and unfair.
My heart hurts for the family.
“She deserves credit for that.” We’re giving white people cookies for being halfway human now? Fuck outta here with this bullshit.
If Jackie ward wanted to post as herself and not a news anchor she would have used her personal fb page with her real name. Instead she used her work name and the fb page connected to it. as a result, she posted like a news anchor/reporter.
Sounds like a case of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.
The White people who tried to call out this evil behavior wind up being parsed and picked apart for their nuanced “omissions”.
I disagree that anyone is “damned if you do.” We are capable of more sophisticated thinking than that. It seems pretty clear that there are levels of culpability here: the jerks in the car were utterly wrong, the witnesses who didn’t care, witnesses who felt bad but still did nothing, the anchor who did nothing at first but then tried to raise awareness (best possible interpretation) or get publicity for herself from it (a more cynical interpretation but equally possible). As a white person, this criticism of the anchor seems both clear and fair: I am being told that I am expected to do more than just not act racist, more than just silently disapprove of racism, more than just “raise awareness” of racism. I need to stand up to stop racist attacks when I can, and help the people attacked if I can. Anything less is not enough — and rightly so, if we are really going to improve things for everybody.
Shine light on white privilege, Heather Dunfee. Be quiet, let this into your heart, and think, Betsy. Don’t speak, just let this in until you feel the truth of it.
Actually, the fact that they are mixed race DOES make them separate, identifiable, and noticeable. And what’s wrong with that? Not a thing. What’s wrong here is what the guy yelled—not the fact that her family is “different”. Why can’t people accept that color CAN be seen and probably should be seen. We aren’t one giant culture, we are all different. Mixing it up is perfectly fine. The rude comments and ignorance when we do mix it up is what’s not fine.
People aren’t always going to do exactly what you’d want them to do in any given situation. There’s enough contempt in this world as it is without extending to people who are trying to be on the good guys’ side.
Heather Dunfee: I find it telling, and slightly amusing that you call-out “white tv news anchor” Jackie Ward, and then exclaim how “being separate, identifiable, noticeable. THAT, Betsy, is RACISM!!!”
Do you also note “the black woman’s missive” has a name? Did you bother to read your screed and see where ‘Ms. Stewart-Bouley’ would have been more appropriate?
Check yourself.
Jackie’s mistake was that she didn’t post this on her personal facebook page vs. her tv personality facebook page. However, having known Jackie since she was 14, I can tell you that she uses the word “adorable” a lot…probably too much actually.. She uses the same word to describe me and my family. What is most sad about all of this is that people seem to be arguing with one another vs. the perpetrators of the injustice. They’re probably thrilled with all of these daggers being thrown. The blame rests squarely on their ignorant and evil shoulders. (Neither the family nor Jackie are those two things.)
As a fellow (I’m guessing, based on your comment) White woman, the ignorance and white privilege your statement is soaked in is embarrassing and appalling. There is a long, long history of White people appropriating Black people’s stories, especially Black women’s stories, telling and retelling them in ways that center our feelings rather than those of the people the story is originally about.
And even if that weren’t the case, if Witchsistah were completely wrong, out of line, and unsupported by history (hint: she isn’t), making a statement to BGIM, in BGIM’s own space, that she’s sorry and “disgusted that some White woman told [her] story for attention…” is absolutely nowhere near a carful of boys yelling the N-word at a family, especially a family that includes a child. It’s like equating the constant onslaught of rape and death threats that so many women online get to a woman saying that some particular guy did something kinda creepy the other day.
Very good point!
If you truly believe that wichsista expressing anger and hurt without using a racial slur is the EXACT same thing as these young white boys calling a black family nigger..you are truly the biggest idiot on the planet. You lack empathy as well as intelligence. Kill yourself.
The hatred behind your words is appalling. When is it ever appropriate to tell someone to kill themselves? You are spewing the same hate as those boys in the car- and then to go on and call another person ignorant? For shame! We need to love one another to create change, not blame and point fingers.
dar, seriously? I thought the enlighten blogger removed such comments as your final sentence. Perhaps your empathy needs a refill.
People should be asked if they want their story told. The blogger could have addressed the family directly, honoring their distress and respecting their privacy. I am profoundly saddened by the racism that still exists in this country and profoundly hopeful in the public acknowledgement and outrage occurring these days.
The people who shouldn’t talk at all are the ones who keep saying racism is not an issue any more.
Wow, Betsy, I think you’re missing something here. Witchsistah was “disgusted” at the thought that someone stood right there, clearly close enough to see and hear the entire exchange, not only the yelling, but the quieter words between the family left behind, and said nothing. Nothing. Even a quick “Sorry!” would have acknowledged their existence and humanity, never mind actually offering help or further solace. This is not racism. It’s reasonable frustration that a person who is in the public spotlight chose to stand in that light and post the story, yet as much as her “heart broke for that little girl as she harshly learned how our society has such a long way to go when it comes to racism, ” she chose to walk away, saying nothing. She could have, at that crucial moment, shown that child her own compassion and humanity, and didn’t. The story ABOUT HER has blown up all over the place. And y’know what? It’s NOT about her.
I am so sorry your family had to be subjected to such disgusting behavior by a bunch of punks in a car. However, just as disgusting is the fact that no one came to your families side to say anything. I HATE racism towards anyone!! I wish you and your family love and hope you can enjoy your Easter weekend. God bless you all, stay strong.
You’re being irrationally unfair to the reporter. The angry should rest with the wicked individual who spews hate, not on the personal choices of a the person who witnessed it. The article, I think, was meant as a way for her to address what she witnessed, and show people that this kind of hate still exists. It was her way of defending the family, not shamelessly promoting herself.
I think you need to reexamine whats making you angry here.
Andrew, I agree. What’s worse?
This “media person” as we don’t call them reporters any longer* – going ‘viral’ with her social media post, or should she have interjected herself and became more of the story?
A truly jaded me, would have an unnamed media person (Dianne Sawyer) breathlessly near tears (Dianne Sawyer) with Ms. Stewart-Bouley’s young daughter on her lap for the interview.
That’s the National way. The Big-Market way. The Major Network way.
By that standard, Ms. Ward’s efforts earn a FAIL.
*reporters were schooled to remain detached from the action, and report – not become the center of the story.
The least the anchor could have done was come over and spoken with her instead of taking out upon herself to publicly discuss what she had seen without asking if it would be ok. You probably would’ve felt the same way of it had happened to you.
Where does it say she was disgusted?
She wasn’t disgusted that the white woman told her story. She was disgusted that this woman, a news anchor didn’t bother to talk to her about it. A journalist writing a story about something so important that the story needed to be told should have, at the very least, inquired and interviewed the black woman and her family about how what happened made them feel.
THIS is what you come away with this story to comment on??? As I sit here with tears on my cheeks hurting for this family, I just don’t understand why you don’t understand this statement.
How is it “racism” to object when somebody “tells your story” without even bothering to consult you?
Yes, seriously. As a 60 year old white woman who grew up in Mississippi, it’s clear to me that these are not OUR stories to tell. When we speak their experience from our point of view we diminsh and erase them, and that is not OK. We have to stop caring about our precious privileged white feelings so much if we want to be decent people and if we really want to stop the violence that white supremacy commits against PoC.
Being in a racially mixed family, it is hurtful to read the words of what happened in Portland, however; saying the news reporter blogged the story for attention is not fair. I am sure she was shocked, disgusted, etc….
Just because someone is white does not mean they are incapable of seeing how vile, disgusting and ignorant people can be.
More white people need to see and hear stories like this to understand racism is real and alive today. Too many white folks do not believe that racism is as bad as they hear about. When you are white you do not see it much, therefore it is easy to believe that it is not as relevant as the black community claims it is.
I applaud Jackie for discussing this and also being disgusted by it.
I read Jackie’s story and I was touched that she shared. She too was disgusted and upset. Some people don’t approach others because they just don’t know what to say at that moment. I have no doubt that everything she said was all in positive. She posted as a person, not a news anchor.
I have always felt that God made us all out of love, and that all of our differences should be respected and celebrated. No one is just a label. But why are you turning it around labeling the news anchor “some white woman”? Labels are labels. None are okay.
Witchsis, what would you have had her do(aside from approaching the family and checking on their wellbeing, of course)? Should she have stayed silent? Youdo not know her circumstances, how much time she had or what else was happening in her day. Perhaps she could have done better but isn’t it a good thing she did what she did? Now many are hearing the story and the conversations may just move forward.
That is just awful. Beyond awful. I wish your daughter had been able to remain free of that – well, forever! – but at least longer than this. That it just keeps happening… Something must change. Which will have to involve all of us, including those of us who have stayed ignorant of this reality for far too much of our lives. Bless you for your courage in writing as well as in your day to day life.
I am ashamed that I’m on the same end of the color spectrum as the ignorant boy in that passing car. I too had an interracial marriage; we lived in West and Central Africa, Downeast Maine, and Montreal and never encountered such hurtful behavior. There is no excuse for it.
Living as an interracial couple in Bangor it sickens me that people feel that they have the right to say ANYTHING to people of colour and we are just going to stand by and take it. I am an Aglo-American with brown skin (a black woman born in England) and I am seeing that I have to explain why certain words are offensive and WHY I don’t like it. I hate just being called coloured, but I am told in reply at least we are not calling you the n-word. I told them that sort of reasoning is like saying I am not going to shoot you, but I am just going to stab you instead…it is not as bad. I feel like everyday I am having to educate. I like to use the slogan “Don’t hate. Educate”, but sometimes you can’t teach people who refuse to learn.
This makes me so angry. The sense of entitlement and lack of humanity or compassion displayed by those idiots is disgusting. They got their laughs for the day, but this likely to stick with your family for much longer. Few of us forget the first time we’re called a “nigger.” I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family.
I am sickened that such ignorance and meanness exists. It is unfathomable to me, and I always speak up, will always speak up, and will continue to encourage others to speak up. I am so sorry and outraged that this happened to you and your family. Stay strong, and thank you for writing about your experience.