The past 6 years of my life have been a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. I moved away from my hometown, went to graduate school and got my masters, lost my beloved Mama and Granny and lastly had my daughter.. oh and have seen my income decrease by about 40%. Talk about being an overachiever, I feel I have hit many of the huge life issues in a fairly short period of time.
Any one or two of those things was enough to make a sista get a tad depressed but combined and I am being brutally honest but there are mornings I swear the only reason I wake up and don’t go mad is because of God’s grace. Now I rarely talk much about my personal faith here, but in a way I will today. I am a born-again Christian, that said, my faith has also been on a roller coaster ride. See before life got in the way, it was easy to praise God and trust that all would be good. Yet it was right after my Mom’s unexpected and untimely death that things got kind of heated between God & I. Now I will say I have made a lot of peace with the things that have happened but that childlike naive faith that initially had me thinking things would always be peaches and cream doesn’t quite exist. Instead I know that despite what happens I will be ok, its like that line from the Elton John song, I am still standing, in this case I am standing with God’s grace.
However despite standing there are days well, when I am a tad shaky and some might say even depressed. At one point I considered getting my MSW and becoming a clinician so I know a bit about depression from my case management days and while truthfully I do get depressed, reality is no I am not about to jump off any bridges or harm anyone else and though I have my moments, overall I enjoy life. Yet the reality that I have come to grasp as I recently shared with the spousal unit is that sometimes we just have dark seasons, but I am convinced they happen for a reason.
For me the dark season has lasted a while, yet in the midst of this ice storm known as my life there have been many good moments and I am at a place that while I sure as hell wish shit would change quick fast and in hurry. I have come to realize there is a reason and a season for everything, which is why I think rather than wishing change would happen quickly that maybe I should look for the beauty in the midst of this storm and see what changes happen in me that I can take from this time. I just started reading Thomas Moore’s Dark Nights of the Soul which from the first few chapters I have read so far really seem to speak to where I am.
I think its easy to get sucked in wanting and wishing we had what others have, but the fact is we have what we have and I don’t want to waste my life trying to get to the next level at such a rapid pace that I forget to enjoy the ride. KWIM?
Anyway its a gorgeous though nippy Friday here in Maine and since I am playing hooky from client work, I figure its time to head into the city and hit my favorite consignment shop. Have a good weekend, catch ya on Monday unless I am moved to write over the weekend.
3 thoughts on “A Season for Darkness”
Black Girl In Maine,
Isn’t it amazing what wrestling with God, our faith, and with life will do for us and our relationship with God?
While your life has presented moments that are far from “easy” or “rosy,” I’m inspired by your faith and your courage to enter into that dark night. So many of us fight it and think by doing so we somehow “prove” how much faith we have in God. Doubt is not the opposite of faith, fear is.
Thanks for such an honest post.
You said, “I have come to realize there is a reason and a season for everything, which is why I think rather than wishing change would happen quickly that maybe I should look for the beauty in the midst of this storm and see what changes happen in me that I can take from this time.”
I used to try to sleep through dark times. I used to try to find other ways to escape. When I stopped doing those things and decided to be in the moment, aware, to learn the lessons that were there for me to learn, I grew, I changed. Suffering is as much a frame of a mind as it is a part of life. We either suffer needlessly or suffer with a purpose.
My dad used to sing a song:
If all were easy
If all were bright
Where would the cross be?
Where would the fight?
But in the hard place,
God gives to me
Chances of proving
What he can be.
I feel you. My dark season was right after I got divorced. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything I learned SO MUCH about me.
One of my favorite lines from Gray’s last season was We shouldn’t wonder why people are crazy, we should worry why they are not crazy. It was about all the crazy things that we go through in life and digest.
I think I see your light at the end of your tunnel…AND YES I am sure it is not a train!
Comments are closed.