Working Mama Blues or maybe it’s me

I am not trying to start a Mommy War here, let me say right now. If we are women responsible for the care of others, chances are good that we are master ball jugglers. That said I am a woman, a mother and I work for money outside of the home, at times those competing roles threaten to drown me especially when we add in the other roles I play, wife, daughter, sister, etc.

Lately I have been drowning in a season of emotion as I struggle to deal with my desire for change yet that change is not coming fast enough for me. I come up with ideas and they don’t quite gel and it’s hard I must say to not get discouraged so instead I have a day or two where I turn this bad shit inward and then explode. Totally not healthy but at least I know what I am doing.

Yesterday as a nation we watched as the sitting president had to defend himself against the “isms” that threaten all of us who are not generally white, male or privileged. (Yes, I know there are always exceptions) The very act of having to show proof of his birth, to legitimize his place in the White House in many ways was triggering for me and if you are a regular reader here at Black Girl in Maine, you know I am not a fan of the word trigger. But trigger is the only way to describe how I am feeling.

In my professional life, I have been battling those who would have me believe I am not knowledgeable, oh they will pat me on my head and issue atta girls on certain issues but on meatier and weightier issues I am often told I don’t know. Never mind, that I have been in my career now going on 16 years, or that I have a proven track record at what I do that now spans several states. I won’t even talk about my academic credentials that back up the fact that yes, I know what I am talking about. Instead I am a woman, playing at a table with old white men and that is a struggle, not only am I a woman, I am a woman of color. Change is hard.

I am tired of that struggle yet even in the process of trying to make change happen, I still run up against obstacles. Just last week, I had to make a decision and followed my Mommy heart and lost out on a professional opportunity because the world isn’t all that accommodating to working Mamas. As a friend emailed me last night about the situation, she put it so eloquently “it’s why women can’t get ahead without massive support” yep, indeed. My support system is small and not always able to accommodate me; I thought like a Momma and missed out…sigh.

In the movie Hustle and Flow, I loved the song “It’s Hard out here for a Pimp” Well let me just steal that line and personalize it, “Damn it, its hard out here for a working Mama and it gets even harder when you add race, socio-economics, etc”.