Tuesday ramble

Rain, rain go away and how about you come back in a couple of weeks? Yep, its another gray rainy day up here in my corner of the world. I woke up early to take girl child to her first dental visit and now have a pile of work on my desk that I am avoiding. Too damn tired, so that means I have all sorts of random shit running around in my head…so today’s post has no rhyme or reason other than I was just thinking.

Riddle me this? Why do white guys bring chainsaws when they are about to get down and dirty and fight? No, I am serious, yesterday I was working in my home office and all of a sudden I heard angry voices. As an aside I now understand better why when we were looking at this house, local folks tried to talk us out of buying so close to an apartment complex. I swear 9 out of 10 times if something worthy of calling John Q Law happens on this block its because of the apartment dwellers…by the way I grew up in apartments so I am not bashing folks in apartments it just seems that in Maine, apartment dwellers are a tad rowdier than I am used to but I am getting off track.

Anyway after hearing one guy call another one a filthy MF, I realized maybe I should peek my head out the window. What did I see? A guy who lives in the apartment complex engaging with a man who lives in the townhouse across the road from the apartment. The man in the townhouse had a posse of young men, hopping out of a pickup truck who were all yelling at the lone apartment man, lets go. In case you are not hip on young folk vernacular, that would be the sounding cry that they were about to take the altercation to the next level and get physical.

Now from my view it already looked like apartment guy was about to get his ass kicked unless he was about to bring out his inner Bruce Lee. Those fellas getting out the pickup looked beefy and like they kick asses on the regular and apartment boy looked like he had not been eating his Wheaties. So if that wasn’t bad enough one of the pickup dudes runs to the side of the townhouse and comes back with a chainsaw and starts running towards apartment boy. I admit my heart fell thinking oh shit. Thankfully at about that time, the clear sounds of the police came and the two camps started to back away…guess no one wanted a ride in the backseat.

So who knows what will happen but this scene reminded me of many years ago, my ex-unit got into a verbal altercation with my landlord ( I say mine since we were separated) and the landlord ran in his house and came out with a chainsaw…sadly my ex-unit maced the guy. It had no impact on my relationship with the landlord though the ex could no longer visit our son at my house. But this incident made me think about the fact I have never seen a couple Black or Latino guys getting ready to rumble and deciding hey I need a chainsaw. Shit that makes you go hmmmmm.

So its official Jon and Kate are no more. I know you are devastated just like I was…..not! But riddle me this if your marriage were dying, why the fuck would you put that out there when you have 8 kids??? Look, I know they have a contract but at a certain point where is the common sense. Fucking cancel the contract, work on the family. Sorry, Jon and Kate but I think the college fund may end up being the therapy fund when those cute kids are older.

Also but maybe its me but a show showing each parent at a time with  the kid hardly seems tv-worthy. I mean if we are about to see Kate raises 8 (with a little help from Jon) what the heck is so different between her a million other single Mamas. Ummmm, well she is cute and white and the kids all have the same Daddy. Sorry, but I had to go there.

Lastly, before I went to bed Keith Olbermann mentioned some Republican lawmaker who was against the Summer Food Program that feeds poor kids. In fact she stated that there was no need for a 16 year old to access this program since they could get a job at McD’s…after all hunger is a great motivator. What the hell is wrong with Republicans, I swear they are becoming more unhinged.

Anyway may the sun come out so I can go back out and play between work. Until then I am in my gloomy office with all sorts of thoughts swirling around in my head.

Reflections on Papa

This was originally posted on June 21, 2009 and pretty much captures my feelings on Father’s day.

Its Father’s Day, a day that frankly IMO gets not nearly enough fanfare compared to Mother’s Day. Of course we live in a world where sadly fathers are sometimes not around and Mama plays the role of both Mama and Papa.

I always thought my Dad would die first, but fate being what it is, it was my Mom that passed away first leaving me with just my Dad. In the five years since my Mom’s passing I have gotten to know my Dad a lot better than I did when my Mom was alive. My brother and I have a tenuous relationship with my Dad, he is a man who tries but the best way to sum up my Dad is to say see the movie About Schmidt. Jack Nicholson’s character is very much like my father….awkward to say the least.

That said, on Father’s Day I am thankful for my Pops. A man who tries the best he can though he is limited, maybe its because I am a parent and I have made a lot of mistakes as a parent that I can still love and now accept my dad for who he is, though its been a hard journey. In the early years after my Mom’s death, I wanted him to fill the void left by my Mom but it was not to be….now I accept him for who he is and most days life works better.

On Papa’s Day, I also look at my husband who often feels substandard as a father because he is not the greatest financial provider though when he leaves this early realm I am sure our kids will care less about how little money had and more about the fact that he was always there for them.

My husband has been in my son’s life since elder boy was three and has an amazing relationship with the Spousal Unit despite the fact there is no biological connection. So my son is doubly blessed to have not only his biological father but an amazing step father who has never made any difference in how he treats out two kids.  For our daughter he has always been an amazing and patient man who if nothing else deserves a metal for his willingness to embrace shit duty when the girl child was still in diapers (I hate changing diapers) and even now when she needs help wiping her behind after a bowel movement.

So to the men in my life and that includes the former Spousal Unit…Happy Father’s Day. To all Papas I hope you are having a great day!

Leaning towards….

Recently I wrote about my hair woes, and actually got a lot of feedback. To recap, I have dreadlocks aka locs. I have been growing my much beloved locs for 5 years now, but we have reached the point where my babies are looking a tad unkempt. In good financial times, I would head to Brooklyn to visit a woman I am told could definitely get my hair back in order since living in Maine, I lack access to folks who know what to do with natural unprocessed hair.

As I admitted in my other posts about my hair, my locs are not just hair. They were started as direct result of my Mom’s untimely death 5 years ago, its something I had thought about for years but her death and the realization that life is short prompted me to just do it. (sorry Nike, I just had to use your slogan)

I admit over the years the journey that I have been on emotionally and spiritually has been reflected in my my locs and my relationship to them. I love em but recently after the posts I did, I have started to feel as if I could sense my Mom’s presence (I swear I am not going crazy) and each time its happened, I could almost hear her voice telling me its time to get rid of them. Now my Mom was always open to my natural hair but she was also a pretty snazzy dresser and quite into couture, she always looked amazing. No, the simple truth is if she were here she would say get rid of em and at least start all over again because right now, I simply look raggedy about the head.

The first time I had that realization about a week ago, I shook it off but its continued to haunt me. Yet I must admit like many women I have fell into the length trap, my hair is quite long and for all the bitching I do about my hair its been a nice ride as a long haired woman. In some ways I get amused because I often get the question even living in Maine “Is that really all my hair?” Sometimes I get amused and sometimes I get pissed since at times I wonder is it because there is the perception that Black women don’t have long hair. So on some level I know that fuels my desire to keep the length despite the fact my hair is not as healthy as it could be.

However as someone who has always embraced change when its put in my face, yesterday I had an ephiphany about how freeing it would be to just cut my hair off and for once fear was not in my heart as I thought about it. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine, a white man who is a stylist and colorist for Aveda who told me flat out that he thought I would look a lot better with a short do that he would be happy to color for me. Can I say thoughts of shades of red are dancing in my head. Along with thoughts of how nice 3-4 inches would feel on my head…can we say the ultimate in wash and go.

I tried this weekend to retwist the new growth that had caused me to have a afro in the midst of my locs and let me just say…um NO. It did not come out well and my arms were killing me when I was done.

Letting go sometimes is hard but I am starting to embrace the idea that change is in the air and that this may be the change I need to make. The past 5 years have been the hardest I have ever gone through and lately I feel weighed down by so much in my life, even my hair. I need to be lighter in my journey. Don’t get me wrong I love dreads but wonder if I should restart this journey at a different stage in my life, not one born out of pain and grief.

So guess you can say I am leaning towards making the big chop though I have decided to sit on this for 30 days just to be sure. After all if I cut it off too soon its not as if I can just stick it back on my head.