This weekend I turn another year older but as I slowly start that slow waltz towards 40, its time for reflection and time to think of the future. For some folks 40 is young, for some its old,I am not there yet but as it creeps up on me, I find myself wondering about what I want to do and be when I grow up. See, this year marks the first time in my adult life that my decisions are not driven by either my son or ex-husband.
I was a mere babe when my son was born, barely 19. Looking back I was such a child, so the background of growing into my adult self has always been balanced against raising my son. In a few short weeks baby boy turns 18…where the fuck does the time go? As crazy as this journey has been, I wouldn’t change it for anything because the ups and downs make me who I am. Yet at the same time I realize that I am truly free to make choices, free to say lets leave Maine. (granted there is that pesky issue of selling my house) No longer wondering how my decisions will impact my son and the struggle of joint custody.
Can I just say its scary but liberating. Right now I am pondering some life choices as the Spousal Unit and I struggle to redefine our relationship. No fear, things are good but as the Spousal Unit is already in his 40’s he is at a stage where he is looking to branch into new areas professionally and personally. I must admit I don’t always do change well, so he caught me off guard yet thinking of the future I am excited to share my life with a man bold enough to redefine himself and thankful that his midlife crisis does not involve younger women and a car. Yet it also has served to remind me that I need to step out of my box and find my bliss.
The biggest area that concerns me is professionally, after a decade spent being of service to others lately I find myself wanting to find my bliss. I like my work but it ain’t my bliss. Lately it feels more like a burden, in some ways I chose my line of work out of a need to do great things. I no longer feel that passion and while I want to earn more money I am also not driven by money.
Anyway I feel change in the air and am hopeful that something positive is headed this way, but what it is I don’t know yet. I’ll keep you posted when I find it until then have a great weekend.