I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. That was the intention that I set for myself recently while lying still in a yoga nidra session. Such an intention may seem odd, but lately as I find myself constantly assaulted by life, I have found myself going back to that inner place where the chants are loud and clear. “You aren’t worthy.” “No one will pay to hear that.” “You aren’t a good writer, people are just stroking you.” “Your career success has all been a fluke.” You get the idea. A regular chorus of doubt triggered by some very real and serious situations, that aren’t in my head.
Professionally, I am at a crossroads, my agency is in deep doo-doo and for the first time in four years I don’t have the answers. However if the answers don’t come to me and come soon, not only will I be out of a job but so will three other folks. The biggest losers though will be the families and kids that are served by my agency, if our doors close, kids who were already near the cracks, may completely fall in. I have been tossing and turning ever since I realized how serious this situation is and if things weren’t already bad, if a miracle doesn’t happen by April 15, my ass is grass. I walked in faith that helping my Dad out financially when he was sick was the right thing to do and morally it was the right thing. The problem is that the money that I used to help him; was my tax money. Despite my most valiant attempts to pick up extra work to make up for the help aka the money I extended to him, all my efforts have turned up is a steaming hot plate of frustration and offers to work for free. (Duh…why would I do that?)
It seems when you are already on a payment plan with the tax man, he’s just not herefor excuses. Sometimes shit happens and happens and not even the good stuff will make the shit stop.
Then when I was at my already lowest point, trying to figure out if I should just become an electronic panhandler (just can’t bring myself to do that, but I will be say if you know of any publications looking for freelancers or want to throw some change in the tip jar, leads and tips are greatly appreciated it). My allergies decided to go out of control in a way that they haven’t in several years. Walking around feeling like a brick is attached to your head when you are already taking a slew of allergy meds just sucks. It seems the dust and dander factor is out of control in my corner of the world. Gee, I am sensing a theme here…out of control.
Yet the final straw, the final kick in the ass, the final assault was that this weekend was the second out of four of my yoga immersion weekends. To be honest, I just wasn’t feeling it this weekend and instead of trusting my gut and just not going despite the logistical inconvenience (remember my goal is to eventually get to 200 hours) I went and it was just blah. You would think by now that I know myself well enough to know when I need to pull the plug and regroup but I allowed my ego to take over. Instead, I went for the first two days and was only half present and ended up feeling rather resentful of something that I really enjoy. Not a great feeling. But made worse when I found myself questioning why the hell I even am bothering with this yoga stuff. I am fat, I am Black, I am working class…blah, blah, blah. All reasons that I shouldn’t even be wasting my time. Just as the private pity party was in full swing, I had a quiet moment where I just sat and watched the gremlins of doubt attempt to take over all that I have worked hard to achieve.
Rather than chase the gremlins away, I have allowed them to have a say and now I am having a say. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. As someone who replied to the not so private portion of my pity party said, “Sometimes honoring the divinity within yourself is honoring the frailty of the vessel it sits within.” I do have a lot on my plate, no doubt life is a bit harrowing at the moment but I am worthy of all goodness and abundance, so shoo gremlins of doubt and pain, shoo.
5 thoughts on “I am worthy…a mini life crisis”
I would like to tell you first…boy can I relate. Second, I would like to say….I love you. It will get better for both of us. You are an extraordinary talent. And a good person. Seriously.
I believe in you and I know that you believe in you, even if sometimes the asshole in your head tells you differently. It is hard, I know, to wait for the goodness to come to us, when we know we are worthy, are trying our damndest to walk the right path, even when we are trying our best to be open to the goodness, work toward it, bring it to us. It will come.
I suck at self care. Am absolutely abysmal at it. I hope things pull through for the agency and I know this is pretty much no comfort, but something will find its way to your doorstep.
Thank you so much. I appreciated what you said, these problems are real and huge and I admit while I was engaging in self pity in some ways it felt better than working on solving the problems. I am feeling better, ideas are flowing and we will see what happens next.
I hate when my dreams are taken over by my personal gremlins, it is such an unsettling feeling since ideally sleep just be restorative. None of us are immune, that is part of this journey it seems. The unpleasant moments that is.
Self-pity is one of the worst experiences I’ve had in my life. I do a few simple things to keep myself from living there. But it happens now and then. It is a bitter morass of unconstructive thoughtstream and it saps my energy!
Yet, I hear you name it as self-pity but the problems you present here are very real and would bother almost anyone but the most (grin) enlightened. And even the most enlightened, of course they might have a moment. They also have moments of despair, anxiety, or depression. I truly hope it helps you to et us know what you’re going through.
I learned a while ago that constantly negative-talking myself is another form of self-absorption. This helped me. I used to say, “I am not going to entertain that thought,” when one of those “I am not worthy” episodes happen. Nevertheless I am not immune. Last night my dreams were full of self-punishing dreams. Obviously that goes pretty deep and might not be something I can simply root out!
I will hold you in my heart as always, and I will keep your job and agency there as well. You deserve to be well-loved, yes including by yourself. When I can’t self-love I at least try not to be cruel, and I try to turn my thoughts resolutely to gratitude and other-care, and I try to rest.
[ hugs ] lady.
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