My last post was a bit heavy; looking back it might not have been the best idea to share that in such an open space but one thing I strive for in this space is honesty. Life is messy, and at times, gravely complex. This week was the first week since learning that my father was facing significant health issues that I have attempted to go back to life as normal and it’s been a roller coaster ride. Since I can’t be in Chicago at this time, it made no sense to continue sitting around the house but as I learned going back to the office was a lot heavier than I expected it to be.
It turns out that even when you are the boss; you still have to talk to the staff and supporters of your agency. It also turned out that in the two weeks that I was away from the office, many of the families that are served by my agency were greatly alarmed by my absence. So I have had to give a scaled down version of my life happenings to more people than I wanted to and frankly it’s exhausting.
I am also sure that my lack of consistent time on the yoga mat in the past several weeks has not helped my mood. Last night things simply had reached the boiling point and words are one of the many ways that I deal with stress. That said I am happy to share that after an hour and a half of practice tonight, my shoulders are relaxing a bit and my head is feeling clearer and for the first time in weeks my dad and I talked about something other than his health. It felt good and I cherish our political talks even more than ever…we don’t always see eye to eye but that’s just fine.
In the past several weeks, I have had so many of you reach out to me, including a new reader who sent me a gift card for Starbucks. (It’s been a while…looking forward to having a grande decaf soy vanilla spice latte real soon). You have offered support in so many ways and there really are no words to express how grateful I am. Being so far away from my boots on the ground support has made this hard as I realize connections really do matter to me. I was reminded of that when I was in Chicago and a friend came to take me out for quick cup of coffee before I flew back out. Sometimes in life we need the people who know us best, the people who will simply sit with us and bear witness to our lives and love us.
Writing a personal blog is something that has become increasingly complicated as blogs are often now simply extensions to the world of marketing. In some ways this space is very much reflective of me, I see myself as a sojourner in this journey called life which is really the ultimate in temporary experiences. I share my life and I tell stories because like Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, I feel stories are medicine. Stories are healing to the teller and the listener. In losing my own matriarchs early in life, I became through no choice of my own a cantadora which Dr. Estes describes as a keeper of old stories.
I grew up in a family where on weekends, at a certain point the women gathered together in the kitchen, loosened their bras and got comfy and told tales late into the night. As a kid I would sit and just take it all in. Most of their stories never made much sense to me back then but the longer I live, those stories have come back to me and I finally get it. I get why the women needed their space and time to share stories, joys, pains and life. That is what I do in this space.
Several people have reached out to ask if I would be keeping up with this space with everything that is going on in my life at the moment. Absolutely! I wrote for several years with few readers, it’s nice to know that people read my writings, but I write for me. I write to give a voice to a little girl who was scared at times to have a voice. I write to remind myself that I always have a voice and that no one can take it away. I write to find myself and to stay grounded in my reality. Writing as I do in an intentional stream of conscience is healing to me…so yes, I will be here.
A few readers have asked me why in light of the heavy financial burdens that I am facing, am I so reluctant to ask for assistance openly. Human nature is such that few people help anyone out without feeling that their assistance is free of strings. I never want to be in a place where I feel beholden to anyone because they “helped” me. I have lived that path before and it nearly destroyed a close familial relationship. In some ways I suppose that Billie Holiday’s famous words are ingrained in my psyche “God Bless the Child that’s got his own” that said if anyone wants to donate to assist with the car repairs or my next trip to Chicago I do keep a donation button on the side of this page. I admit if you ever thought of dropping a tip in, this wouldn’t be a bad time. This blog is a labor of love and I offer it freely but the domain and the web hosting do cost me. Enough about that though because money while it’s a necessity is also an energy that changes things. So blah… no more on that.
When I need help of the non-monetary nature I do ask for it. That’s why after a long hiatus I am talking again to my oldest and dearest friend in the world. I realized that I can’t do this journey alone and as she did the last time, she along with other friends are holding me up emotionally though I do wish they were in Maine. Of course they all wish I were back in the Midwest. Lastly, while I am striving to keep a mostly business as usual approach to most of life at this time because the truth is life does go on. I admit that some of my posts in the coming days will be more deeply personal but I will keep mixing it up since it’s good for me to not stay in my own head.
Anyway I just wanted to say thank you for being a part of my journey and thank you for reading.
2 thoughts on “A little bit of this and a little bit of that”
I second what K.D. said above: You are not alone.
Hey BGIM. . . Deep breaths. Sending out mad loving kindness to you. Keep showing up for yourself and continue to trust the good and allow yourself to rest. Doing that parent-caregiver thing is a big deal (as you know). My past year of caretaking has taught me to honor and clarify my needs and life-plan(s) – post-haste, all while deepening my love for my mom. It ain’t easy, but it’s real.
If something or someone does not feel like it’s feeding my mind/soul/heart/well-being – it or they have to go, or at least be kept out of my energy/focus of what truly matters on the day to day.
Miss Iyanla has recently quipped: “Vote for you.”
Peace… and keep rockin’ it, babygirl, you are not alone.
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