One of those days…

I wish I could say I have something profound to say but the truth is this is one of those days where I am hanging on by a thread. Its one of those days when I want to grab a bag and run far the fuck away from my life. A day when I wonder if I am kidding myself by staying in Maine where I have no extended family versus heading back home where at least I have my Pops and my brother and a whole lot of extended family members. Admittedly many of them are not on my I like you a lot list ,but they are family.

So what is the problem BGIM? You may wondering….its a lovely child whose energy level even sick exceeds my energy level. See my daughter is a true blue extrovert, but the Spousal Unit and I are introverts to varying degrees. Don’t get me wrong, I like people, hell I struggle with the fact that getting together with folks face to face in Maine is like pulling teeth. Everyone is so busy, gone are the days when you can just call and say hey lets connect…nah, its all gotta be planned. I like people, I need a certain amount of time around people but at the same time I need alone time. I must have time to re-charge preferably alone or in silence.

Even elder boy who people are drawn to is an introvert at heart, when he was a wee lad, he understood that quiet rainy days were days that we snuggled up and watched tv or played a quiet game. However girl child is not her brother and while I love her energy and  courage, the fact that even at 4 she can argue a point like a young prosecutor can at times wear you out. Today was that day. Today was the day that it took everything not to turn her over and spank her, it was not my best moment as a parent. I won’t beat myself up since most days are good but at the same time I feel bad that I lost my cool, and no there was no corporal punishment, instead she was left in her room for 10 minutes while I cooled down.

I am reminded that this parenting in isolation is a bad thing. For the first time ever, the idea of being closer to extended family even ones I don’t know well almost feels preferable to living in isolation here in Maine. For a good half hour I was on edge and realized that while people say I can give em a ring, there was not one person I can call here and say I need a break, help me out. I realized that if I were back home I could have called someone but here there was no one and that was a truly lonely feeling.

So may tomorrow be a better day, but today was one of those days. Thankfully the Spousal Unit is taking a break from work at the moment and overseeing night preparations with the girl child so I am thankful for small things.