Accepting My Limits

This is a rare week that I have off from work, I love the end of the year since with my job it’s time off without me having to use up my vacation time since we are closed. Granted I still have to make sure certain issues are addressed but an hour or so of work every couple of days is still a vacation.

Now that the holidays are done with and I have some time off, I have time to catch my breath and think…no good ever comes from thinking. Anyway, I have had to face the fact that while its been a great money saver to take girl child out of fulltime daycare, fact is it’s really not working for us. There are days I like to pretend I am a stay at home Mom but the fact is my job is pretty damn intense. Yes, my schedule is flexible to some degree but the reality is the last few months I feel stretched….the result is the girl child has learned to play by herself. Big yes to that! The downside is she is an official television junkie.

Now, I have never been anti-tv but I believe in moderation. Problem is when the Spousal Unit and I are thigh high in work that pays the bills, the fact is there is little time to do all that nifty creative stuff I dreamed about back in late summer when I hatched this plan to save money by taking her out of childcare.

Yeah, she goes to preschool three mornings a week, but just as I am hitting my work stride it’s time for the girl to come home and then two hours later I put in appearance at my office. Then there are dance days and then days like today when nothing is going on and the Spousal Unit and I juggle the child and our work. The end result is I look forward to her bed time the way a prisoner looks forward to their release date. All this time together has resulted in a lot of good times as a family but it’s also come at the expense of the quality of our work. My personal work style is rather peculiar and when I am in a grant cycle which I will be in soon, I need a lot of time to work and think.

We are looking at the possibility of seeing an increase in our income and while I want to save it all, remember I want to get out of debt. I am also thinking 3 days a week back at her former center will save my sanity and ensure that I get my work done so I can stay employed. Mind you my employer is very happy with my efforts at the moment but I know me and know that I am burning out. The thing is elder boy graduates from high school in a few short months and college is the next stop, being a single income family is not in our cards. So one could say I have the best of both worlds, since I have a job I love that is pretty flexible.

But the fact is while I grapple to accept my limitations, I cannot help but feel a tad like a bad Mama for even thinking of sending the girl child back to daycare but I am at the end of my rope. Hey, guess this is what being an adult is all about, accepting your reality and making the best choices you can.