Black Girl in Maine

Musings of a black woman living in the nation's whitest state

Tag Archives: Parenting

Twenty years of parenting

Twenty years ago today, when my peers were off enjoying their first year of college or finding themselves I was getting ready for one of the biggest jobs ever, bringing you into the world. Looking back now it doesn’t surprise me that you like to take your time, marinate on ideas and even stroll slowly. I have become a big believer that the way we enter this world drops clues about who we may eventually become…yeah, Momma is being woo-woo excuse me.

 

You signaled that you were ready to become earth side on a Friday night and arrived Monday night.  Rush, you did not.

The past 20 years have been a journey for not only you but me as well. I could not imagine that night twenty years ago, that you would be the young man that you are today, especially now looking at how rocky and unorthodox the journey has been. Four states, thirteen schools and two parents whose only point of agreement was our love for you, many would say how jarring but you thrived and continue to thrive despite the madness.

 

Recently when you were home I was struck by the fact that you are no longer a boy, or even a teenager, you are truly a young man. I know I bug you when I ask a million question and worry too much but despite the fact you are 6’4 and well-traveled, in my mind and eyes you are still my baby.

 

Happy Birthday Son!

The path to better parents…let’s talk economics!

We are living in some curious times, instead of looking at how the whole system is connected and that when the system is broken in one place if affects the overall system, it’s just easier to assign blame, rather than question the system. I was reading this piece the other day by Thomas Friedman, true teachers are under attack these days, in many ways it’s easier to blame teachers for why the kids are not learning and Friedman makes a great point that we need better parents.
.
However I have an issue with that, we are living in a world that in my almost 39 years on this rock has changed. Gone are the days that a family could exist off the income of one breadwinner as mine did for a good chunk of my childhood. Gone are the days when even the working class stiffs worked for a boss that understood workers need to parent well, though there are exceptions.
.
Too many times when we look at why kids are not succeeding regardless of race, no one wants to look at how much modern day socio-economics plays a role. Regular readers know I grew up working class, we never had much cash but my Mom was a stay at home Mom, for a good chunk of my childhood. By and large except for the years my Dad did 2nd and 3rd shift work as a union laborer, he was home by 6pm. Growing up in an assortment of rental places, we always had time to hit the library, my Dad was and continues to be a voracious reader, a love he passed on to me. I remember at 11, we read Gone with the Wind out loud as a family project. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of bad times but we had good ones too. Frankly most of the kids I grew up with were working class but thanks to the magnet schools of the 1980’s in Chicago, we got to go to decent schools that in today’s world are reserved for the elite or at the very least well connected solidly upper middle class folks. The world I grew up in back in the 1970’s and 1980’s doesn’t exist.
.
Today’s working class family hobbles a living together, many times at dead end service jobs the types of places were employees don’t get a great deal of say over things like hours. If you don’t think that affects a parent’s ability to parent, I don’t know what to tell you. As the economic downturn continues even the middle class is starting to feel this affect as many formerly middle class and barely middle class folks find themselves picking up 2nd and even 3rd jobs to make ends meet. One of the parents at the girl child’s school, an out of work masters’ level educated teacher, just started working evenings at the local Starbucks. I ran into him last night as I decided to overrule my brain and partake in a beverage sure to make my stomach revolt. I could see the shame on his face at the sight of seeing someone he knew at his service job. His wife works days and he works nights now, with two young kids, it means it’s hard to create that quality time that kids need, not impossible but damn hard!
.
Of course there are always exceptions but when your entire life is focused on keeping a roof over your head and food on the table, it can be hard to be fully present when you are with your kids. Kids are also pretty damn smart and early on tend to have a sense of what’s going on with their parents. By the age of 6, I knew my parents didn’t have much and trust me it affected me.
.
If we want to create better parents, we need to get back to a world where so many are not just focused on surviving but can actually live life. A world where cobbling together a living is not the norm. We need jobs that offer flexibility for parents, we need school schedules that mesh with modern day work schedules (why is my kid out of school most of this week?) we need jobs that pay people a living wage. There is no shame in a service job; lord knows many years ago, I worked a few in my time. Most of us want our services and want people to provide our services but the people providing the services need to be paid well.
.
If we are going to say parents need to do more, let’s acknowledge the barriers that we have created that get in the way and then look at tearing those barriers down!

When Mommy Bloggers Fail, and Babble is just Bad

As a woman who happens to be a mother and also a blogger, I rarely refer to myself as a mom blogger and suggest if you want to stay on my good side you never refer to me as a Mom blogger either. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against so called mom bloggers, there are some good ones out there. Back in late 2004 when I found myself pregnant right before my son’s 13th birthday, it was sites like mothering, and many of the mom blogs that helped refreshed my memory on what pregnancy and babyhood would be like. Since when you find yourself pregnant when your only other child is entering his teen years, the reality is you need to relearn all that baby stuff over and boy did I have a lot to learn!

Pregnancy and motherhood was pretty simple back when I did it the first time in 1991-92, thankfully I did not have the internet telling what to do or not to do. All I had were a few books and second hand stories from other women who had survived the process. That said, knowledge is key and in 2004-05 it was the internet along with a persistent midwife that made me give breastfeeding a shot. As I have shared on this blog before, with my eldest there was no discussion of how he would be fed, he got Enfamil and survived but by 2004 I knew I had to make a decision. In the end I went from being a reluctant breast feeder to nursing my daughter three and a half years! Considering that as a whole Black women have lower rates than other races when it comes to breastfeeding I admit I take pride in that decision. I still smile when my now 6 year old looks back fondly on how wonderfully sweet my bickie milk was but at the same time am very firm when she asks is there anymore left. Sorry love, that train left the station.

While I won’t ever call myself a lactivist or any other type of activist on parenting issues instead saving my activism for the economic ignorance and disparities that exist in this country it does not mean I don’t get pissed off when it comes to certain issues. I must admit that the state of online parenting advice and so called mommy blogs disappoints me greatly. Now that the monetization of parenthood has started it seems that gone is the great advice of only a few short years ago. Instead we share our stories in hopes of earning the most page views since high page views and many followers on places like Twitter and Facebook often mean cold hard cash, which of course means we go for controversy. I realized that today as I ran across this piece on my twitter feed.

Sites like Babble seem designed to create controversy and are only one reason that I feel maybe it is time for mommy blogs to die. I know some of my readers will read this and seethe and that’s okay. But it seems almost irresponsible to promote ass-backwards views under the guise of sharing which is what that piece does, I am also tired of reading pieces written by women in most instances who have been parenting a hot minute trying to suggest they are authorities on parenting. Look, I have a kid in college and I will be the first to tell you I know jack shit, my six year old made sure of that. I am not saying you must have fully grown kids in order to try to give parenting advice but someone sharing their “should” on an issue when they really are not fully versed in a topic makes no sense. If you have been parenting a grand total of less than 5 years are you really an expert? Hell, you don’t even know yet if the choices you made while your snowflake was a baby really are going to have an impact on the kid, let the kid grow up before you start telling us how we should parent!

In the Babble piece we have the writer suggesting it’s easy to throw a towel over the kid so no one sees a boob while nursing…oh Mama! Wait until you hit that 12-13 month stage where they just pop off and want to show your boob to the world. Believe me, my daughter went through a phase where I knew if she needed to eat outside discretion was not going to happen. So that meant there were times my breasts were on display and ya know what? So what? Breasts are to feed babies and if anyone has an issue that’s their issue, not mine. I have an issue with an organization that markets itself as a place for a new generation playing into these same tired shaming thoughts when it comes to nursing. I just do.

So in the future I will make sure the next time a Babble link comes across my path to avoid it which is a shame since there are a couple of bloggers I enjoy that do write for them but as a whole, sorry Babble you are not a new generation of parents. Just more of the same old shit dressed up.

No need for guilt or shame…breaks are good

I can’t speak for anyone else but one of the upsides to growing older for me has been I am far more willing to speak my truth and be intentional in what I need to thrive and function as a fully actualized adult. Trust me, it has taken a lot of work to get to this place and in many ways I am still a work in progress. There are still those moments when I find myself backsliding into old destructive patterns of putting everyone else’s needs and desires ahead of mine. Though I find when I do that, I end up self destructing and reminding myself once again that I must put myself first.

I suppose some might read this and think me to be a rather shallow and insensitive human and that is most certainly their prerogative. Yet as women, we are often seen as nurturers and caregivers in fact many assume us to be that and as a mother and wife I feel it is one of my roles but even the caregiver occasionally likes to be taken care of.

This past weekend found me talking both online and off line with women on the issue of taking time for ourselves. I caught up with a dear friend of mine to share a leisurely cup of coffee; my friend is newly divorced and juggling the demands of single motherhood. She talked about one of the hardest things about being a single mom is making time for herself and sometimes the feelings that come up when you do make time for yourself. I recalled my own single Mama days and remembered how there were days I would get up an hour so before my son, just to be with myself and get lost in my thoughts.

That conversation (hey, gotta respect my girl’s privacy) reminded me once again just how important those moments are when we are by ourselves or maybe just doing something fun with friends. For most of us we need such time to stay healthy, both mentally and emotionally. It has nothing to do with not enjoying our kids or our partners because I know oddly enough when I come back home after either a solo outing or a girl’s catch up session, I feel refreshed.

On a different note, I think for most couple’s time away from the progeny occasionally is a good thing. Now this is where things get tricky, in recent years many people have started to practice attachment parenting which I think is a great thing. But somewhere along the road, women have started to look down at other women who admit to needing/wanting/taking time out sans kids to reconnect with their partners. So much so that over the weekend I saw a few testy tweets when I threw out the question to fellow parents on whether or not they regularly got time away with their partner.

I can’t speak for anyone else but as much as I love my daughter, the first four years of her life were hard on my marriage. She was a lousy sleeper which meant I became a lousy sleeper, until age 2.5 she was up every few hours to nurse. Throw in the fact she was and still is a high intensity child and there were times I looked at the Spousal Unit in my sleep deprived state and thought what had we done? Between juggling the kidlet, work, house stuff, my son and life we had become nothing more than 2 roommates who every third month or so had a wham bam thank you man! It was bad. I will say though around age four we saw light at the end of the tunnel and the 5’s have been grand. We recently have started taking actual time out to go on dates and let me tell you, we remember why we married in the first place. Recently we went out two nights out within a single week and those outings gave us back something we thought we had lost, we became two adults.

Our time away allowed us to come back home refreshed and in a better mental space. That meant the kidlet did not have grumpy Mommy and Daddy. We have since concluded that a date night is a must for us, even if it means a few extra rice and meal days to ensure that we can pay the sitter and go out. In our family, we already spend an inordinate amount of time together due to the nature of our jobs and sometimes we need to leave it (kids, house, etc) all behind and take a few hours for us.

I was inspired to write this post by a young woman who asked why must women feel guilty for needing time either alone or with our partner. My answer is we need not feel guilt; instead we need to feel good that we are aware enough to know ourselves so well that we can be very intentional in what we need. I think when we take care of ourselves; we are modeling good behavior for our kids. If anyone dares to criticize another woman or mother for taking care of herself, I say poo on you! (OK, not really but you get the point)

Musings on parenting…almost 19 years on this job

Well we’ve made it successfully to 2011 which is more than we can say for the birds dropping out of the sky in Arkansas. What the hell is up with that? Anyhoo, I’ve had this blog post in the back of my mind for a few days but only now have I had the time to sit down and actually write it.

I just said good bye to my eldest child as he returns to the Midwest to take care of some things though it looks like he might try to fly back before the next semester starts at the end of the month. When he was last here in August he was getting ready to transition into life as a college student and I must say after having had the pleasure of being with him the past two weeks, he is a fully functional college student. He came home with lots of bags and lots of books and Mama Santa graced him with tons of literary goodies to make my philosophy major happy. The other night I was watching my baby and realizing that while in my heart he will always be my baby he is indeed a young man, recently he gave his girl friend of over a year a promise ring and wants to bring her up to the Maine abode this summer. Big time stuff for this Mama.

It’s funny because on the one hand I have a grown child; I also have a young child with the girl who is only 5. I have spent my entire adult life parenting, I learned I was pregnant with elder boy only a few months after turning 18 and he was born a mere two weeks after my 19th birthday. I have said it before and it bears repeating; when my son was born there was no internet, for my knowledge and insight I relied on family and friends and books and a lot of hands on experience. I suppose had I not had the girl child I would never have learned just how much parenting has changed.

Parenting has happened for as long as humans have procreated but now we have a generation of parents that to be honest rely more on what the experts say and less on instinct. By all means I am glad that as knowledge has become more widespread that certain behaviors have changed. Children are in safety seats, folks aren’t smoking in front of their kids and corporal punishment is deeply frowned upon in most corners of society. These are all good things. Yet as an older Mama and I mean older in that I have raised one child to adulthood, I sometimes worry that young Mamas are getting hung up on things that in the long run are just not that important.

I fear that in the information age of parenting we are becoming overloaded on doing the “right” things we read about and less inclined to trust the instincts that exist within us…going so far in instances to cut off family members who don’t follow our party line when it comes to parenting kids. I am a believer in the village method of raising kids, I was raised with a village…some of my greatest memories are of the times spent with my Grandparents on weekends. I truly believe the time I spent with them as a child directly related to how much as an adult I loved spending time with my Grandmother. My Grandma died 6 weeks after my daughter was born; she died a few days after receiving pictures of her. I am convinced she stayed around long enough to lay eyes on her so that when she left this world and was reunited with my Mom she could tell my mother all about it.

I raised my son relying on my village as well, a village that was comprised of my parents, grandma, mother in law and others…my son is very close to his paternal grandmother who I still consider my mother in law despite the fact I divorced my ex well over a decade ago. I was a young Mama and these women (and men) guided me and yes at times we clashed but really the battle over the green army men that my father insisted upon giving my son did not scar him though I admit at the time I thought they would. Yet today’s young Mamas are less inclined to have a village made up of folks with different views instead relying on voices that mirror theirs. Frankly I think this is a mistake. To be honest if you are an old reader I have said this before but it was really talking to my son a few nights ago that made me think of this. My son was sharing that despite the rather unorthodox he was raised he wouldn’t change a thing. Which is funny because Mama Guilt often eats me alive thinking of all the things I did in raising him including letting him live with his Dad. Yet all those experiences made him the young man he is…including eating less than stellar food as a kid and having to spend Saturdays from age 3 up and hauling groceries with me and cleaning the house. Turns out in college he seems to have quite a few skills that many of his peers who were raised a bit differently don’t have. Namely survival skills since as the off-spring of a woman who was working class when he was born and later became middle class I carry a lot of working class ways into my parenting. Chiefly in that while his peers have unlimited access to funds he gets a small allowance monthly and must learn to live with it. He admits at times it’s a tad awkward when he can’t just run out and do XYZ but he is a superb user of thrift shops and bargain shopping.

In the two weeks I just spent with my son the vegetarian eating philosophy studying young man; it seems all the times I had to sit him in front of the TV so I could make dinner did less harm than I thought. Kids are not only resilient but it seems they are studying us when we don’t even realize it and they absorb our depth when we are focused on other seemingly important things. In my son’s case he saw beneath the surface things that now make me cringe (sorry son for feeding you those horrible kool-aid drinks) instead he understood I was working 2-3 jobs to create a better life not only for me but for him.

If I were to talk to a young mother today who is bombarded with so many messages about what she must do, I would say turn off some of those voices and follow your own heart when it comes to your child. The occasional Happy Meal is not going to create a monster; a week with too much TV is not going to create a zombie. Too many plastic toys won’t hurt your child…worse case they disappear one day in a fit of spring cleaning. Or as I am doing with my youngest we either give em away to someone who has nothing or we save em for a yard sale. The girl child is driving me crazy asking when we are going to have that yard sale so she can earn some money.

Family members who love your child are one of the most precious gifts you can give your child. My son fondly remembers times spent with both my mother and my grandmother, women who had wicked sweet tooth’s and loved to share the goodies. One of my biggest sadness’s is that my daughter won’t ever know those moments spent with loving family members but I am thankful my son had the time and can speak fondly of Grandma S and Granny R.

As I struggle with my new role in my son’s life I realize that parenting is a journey and like all journeys you must be willing to change plans based on road conditions.  While technology allows us to know more than our parents did and in some cases create our own communities we must not allow ourselves to lose our own instincts when it comes to our kids. Above all like all journeys we must be open to going with the flow and having fun!

Evengelical Parenting

I am becoming more and more convinced that there are certain segments of the population for whom the act of raising children closely resembles the conversion that happens when folks become Evangelical Christians. I know because in the past I was closely aligned with Evangelical Christianity, now I consider myself a simple Christian.

Yet in the early days of my coming to Christ, I was passionate and on fire for Jesus always looking for a chance to share my story and lead folks to Christ. In the past I attended churches where the leaders implored us to testify often, where we were told that if we did what Christ and thus the Bible said then health and prosperity would be ours. Only problem with such dialogue is that if one truly reads the Bible and studies it, never once does it say that if you come to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior that you are on easy street. Good health and financial prosperity are not the rewards for being a Christian. Yet folks like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers both who in my two cent opinion would be better served as inspirational speakers insist that God wants you to be healthy and wealthy. Um…that is simply not true. Now I am not about to turn this into a biblical discussion but if you want to ask me why I think this way, feel free to leave a comment or email me.

Nowadays when we choose to have kids unlike our parents and grandparents we have so many choices. Hell before the baby even arrives earth side we must decide how we want the child to arrive. Do we use the medical model and use an OB, or do we use a midwife? Do we birth at home? Hospital? Freestanding birthing center? Shit, the kid hasn’t even arrived and we have to make all these damn decisions. I must admit back in 1991 when I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t have all these choices, he was born in an hospital with an OB. Now I will be the first to say that choices are good, believe me women we need choices when it comes to how we give birth. Problem I have is too many of us put too much damn stock into individual details not realizing parenting is a journey, one that you may start off with the best of intentions but like a bad vacation, shit just happens.

Now it appears that one of the biggest choices that women face is whether or not they should breastfeed their baby. Clearly there are amazing benefits to breastfeeding, while I did not breastfeed my son in part because I knew nothing about it, I did later go on to nurse my second child for three and a half years. It’s quite funny that I nursed that long considering I was ambivalent about breastfeeding, in large part because I was not personally familiar with it. I started off with a goal of nursing 6 weeks and went on for years because I opened my mind and got informed but also because at the time I bought into some of the hype. I admit that will probably piss some of ya’ll off but the truth is that some women in their zeal to see more women breastfeed will tell you all sorts of amazing things will happen if you nurse.

Yes, there are some breastfed babies who are healthier than formula fed babies, yes some women do lose weight while nursing but guess what? I was not one of those women, hell I gained 50lbs in 8 months while nursing, see I took that you will lose weight thing way too seriously and forgot to remember that if you consume way more calories than you burn off that you will gain.

The more zealous lactivist though will have you thinking that should you nurse your babies that well, bad things will never come your way. Look, nothing could be further from the truth. I have been following this story. In case you are not up for clicking, it’s the story of Katie Allison Granju, back in the 1990’s she wrote the book on attachment parenting and some credit her for creating the word lactivist. I read her book when the kidlet was a baby and often wondered what happened to her, not realizing until a few months ago that she was still a writing Mama. Her story in many ways is tragic; losing a child is hands down one of the worst things than can happen to you. In her case despite being a gentle and thoughtful parent, her eldest got involved with drugs.

Granju’s story has haunted me in part because her lovely son Henry was the same age as my boy, the same day that my son was graduating from high school, Granju was saying good bye to her son. I admire the hell out of Granju and how she continues to go on and hell even blog through her grief. I can only imagine that most days it takes such strength and courage to go on and please know that in no way am I saying anything negative about this Mama. However Granju in a recent piece confessed that she is not nursing her new baby, pretty ironic that the woman who wrote the book on parenting and breastfeeding is not breastfeeding. It was in the comment section to her piece where a nerve was struck for me where most folks let her know it was okay to not nurse after all she has suffered one hell of a loss. Yet one commenter really felt compelled in my opinion to lay a guilt trip on Granju.

Look nursing is great but its only one of many parts of parenting. Truth is I had my first kid at 19, didn’t follow any books, made a shitload of mistakes in raising him yet he is one of the most thoughtful humans I know…how we got him I do not know, but am thankful that he chose me to be his Mama. I have a 5 year old who I followed all the current protocol with and there are days frankly where I want to beat my head against the wall. My daughter is not an easy child to parent and daily my dreams and assumptions are dismantled and challenged with her.

Point is, this parenting gig is the hardest you will ever have, and folks who speak in absolutes have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. Parenting is hard enough without zealots running around making us feel bad. So I say down with evangelical parenting. Just parent your kid to the best of your ability and trust that it will all work out.

Why People Beat their Kids

Disclaimer, its late and Mama has had a long day. When those two things happen, I tend to get slap happy and nonsensical, so if my bad sense of humor offends you, get a coke and bag of chips and push on. Otherwise if you are a frazzled parent, who is finally catching their breath now that the kidlets are asleep, pour a glass of wine or make a cup of tea and commiserate with me as I kvetch.

Preschool ended for the almost 5 yo kidlet a couple of weeks ago and while in my mind I saw us sharing many tender Mommy-child moments together this summer, my reality has been um…exhausting. The kidlet has always had sleep issues from age 0-almost 3 she would only fall asleep if she were physically carried or attached to one of us. There was a good 2 year period where I forgot what the Spousal Unit looked like at night since around 18 months he took over nighttime duty for fear he wasn’t going to wake up one day due to his frazzled sleep deprived wife snapping. Turns out the man is far better suited to going without regular sleep than yours truly.

Even when she started sleeping in her room last year she still required a parental unit’s involvement at some point in the middle of the night (yeah, I know developmentally appropriate and when your firstborn got the hang of sleeping at oh 6 weeks getting a kid the 2nd time around who hates to sleep rocks your fucking world) so to be honest its safe to say she has always had issues around sleep. Kidlet will go to bed late and wake up early. I tried the consensual route at one point believing that she would fall asleep when she needed and get the sleep her body required. Bad idea, instead we had a kid who was constantly over tired and making our lives a living hell.

No, it took getting hardcore and regimented and having a consistent schedule that seemed to make our lives easier though we still never knew (know) when she will wake up. So imagine my surprise a couple of weeks ago when she started sleeping late, I am talking almost 9 am! I felt like a brand new person being able to sleep that late instead of hearing the call at 6:45 am…”Mommy, Daddy I am up”. But all good things must come to end and that week of heaven on earth (think about the best sex you ever had, shit so good it was like heaven, the moon, the stars..you get the point) has ended only to now return to super early wake up time and a kid who is always high energy having even more energy.

It’s that energy that brings me to today, we were out as a family enjoying our community and time together, all said we were out about 7-8 hours and after a long warm day outside we (the big people) came home and were wiped out. Yet the kidlet came home and had more energy that 5 yo triplets combined. “Mommy, let’s play store.” “Mommy, let’s play dress up”…after reading 3 long stories, “Mommy can you read some more”? It went on and on. Finally I said “Chile, how about we watch some tv (sue me, if your kid doesn’t watch tv, well you are probably a better parent than I, hats off to you now pass me a drink!). Here I was offering unfettered access to the idiot box and she said no, um…..NOoooooooooo!

It was in that moment I realized just how easy it would be for a parent with less resources and more pressures to just snap on the kid. It’s the reason when you are in places like Target and the evil Wal-Mart you see parents just snapping on kids. Kids push our buttons, thankfully the Spousal Unit came in and ran interference and after being left alone for an hour I was happy to hang out with her. But dammit for a split second it ran through my mind how easy it would have been when she was having that whine fest to do as the ole folks would say and just pop her and tell her to shut the hell up.

So while I am not proud of the thoughts that ran through my mind, I am glad I had the ability to get back on track and be the best parent I can within my reality but at the same time I realized why some parents spank their kids. Its less about the kid and more about how we handle stressful moments.

Is it harder now?

Technically I am off of work this week but that is really just a technicality as my phone is still ringing, emails are still being sent and basically no one seems to have gotten the memo that I am closed for business despite the fact this is my week to decompress before we hit the busy season. It also happen to be the week between preschool ending and day camp starting so I get to pretend I am a stay at home Mom rather than a work out of the home Mom. Can I tell you that I am plain fucking exhausted! The kidlet has the energy of triplets rolled into one body. To say I am exhausted is a understatment but hey what can you do?

Yet I find myself wondering if modern-day parenting is harder than it was say 30 years ago? I was taking a stroll down memory lane yet without my Mum around to ask questions of, maybe I am wrong but I swear my Mom didn’t work nearly as hard as any of the Mamas’ that I know. Play just happened, no dates to arrange, I was mostly left to my own devices. If we played together it was the occasional board game but she never spent hours on end in the floor with me, perhaps it’s because one puzzle and multiple games of dominos later and both the Spousal Unit and I are sore as hell after playing on the floor. So this stuff is on my mind. Yet its in these moments I long for the days of yesteryear in parenting , when I felt less like the manager of child activity and more like a parent.

Today I ended up talking with a woman who initially thought the kidlet was my only child until I explained that I also have an adult child as well and it turned out she had a similar situation though in her case her kids were 17 years apart. We had a good laugh talking about how our parenting evolved, in some ways it was the type of discussion I needed as the woman I was talking to was also African-American. She instinctively seemed to get how with the kidlet I had flipped my parenting script 180 degrees to the point even elder boy has told me that if he tried half of what his sister does the old me probably would not be as gentle as I am now.

Yet lately as I see my girl grow as much as I love her I admit I now question some of the parenting choices we have made but more importantly I wonder if parenting these days is simply harder than it once was? We have so much more as far as activities, technology and the list goes on…you would think our parenting lives would be easier yet it seems we work so much harder to parent than our parents and grandparents ever did. Why is that? I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Say no and parent your kid

Dear Fellow Gen X parents,

Ours is a pretty cool ass generation, I must say. After all we know that we won’t ever have as much money as our Boomer parents, we pretty much know the man is full of shit. That’s why so many of us even as we start to hit the 40’s threshold are still freelancers and consultants. We may not have nearly as much financial comforts as our folks but damn it we have time to chill and time to raise our kids. So many of us were latch key kids that as we started having babies we totally embraced parenthood in a way that our Boomer parents truly cannot understand.

Fueled by the internet, we love to research any and everything especially when it comes to our kids. Many of us if our resources allow want nothing but the best for our kids, best car seats, best food (no Wonder bread and bologna for our kids, tofu pups baby!). Now I know I may seem like I am making fun of my fellow Gen X parents but I really am not, hell I am just as guilty as this. I also am married to a guy who still rocks out in his t-shirts and Chuck Taylor’s and he is 42. Seriously today’s 40 year old parent never looked so good, as a friend told me recently when I alluded to being almost 40 and middle aged, she said we are not middle aged, late 30’s is the new 20’s. See we take this staying young and being cool thing really seriously.

However I think it also goes too far especially when it comes to raising our kids. Most college educated Gen X folks would never dream of disciplining and treating their kids the way most of us were raised. No one except the most uneducated will ever fess up to smacking a child, and if you do, you can fully expect to be shunned. We are the generation that strives to be consensual, to be gentle, hell we want to be cool with our kids. Harsh words exchanged between us and our kids are almost more upsetting to us than to our kids. Little Janey dear, lets see if we can find a way that works for both of us. How many times have I heard these words or some variation in many of the parenting books that were recommended when the kidlet was born. See when elder boy was born he was raised in a style similar to how I was raised except that there was little in terms of physical discipline and he was always allowed a voice. I couldn’t always accommodate his desires but he was heard.

The thing is though we are living in a different world, a world where kid’s especially little girls are being sexualized so much earlier than our generation and previous generations. Yes, we had Barbie with her unrealistic body but no one and I mean no one I ever knew walked around before the age of oh say 18 with words like “Juicy” and “Sexy” displayed on any of their clothing. Yet these days take a trip to any Middle America shopping emporium and take a look at the clothes that are marketed on size 6X and up. Most of it looks a lot like mini versions of what adult women wear. Hell, it can actually take some serious effort to find clothes that looks like something a little girl should be wearing. Just a couple of weekends ago, I went to get the kidlet some sandals, a pretty easy one stop shopping trip I figured. Oh no, turns out Famous Footwear has all sorts of thong sandals and heeled sandals but no good sturdy play sandals. Mind you the kidlet is in preschool!! Why would a child between 4-6 need a pair of one inch heeled sandals?

Yet at the kidlet’s preschool and dance class which has a fair share of middle income Americans these are the clothes her peers wear. People have commented that my kidlet dresses more old fashioned with an emphasis on dresses that fall below the knee. Um…maybe it’s because I think a kid should be dressed age appropriate and not merely in what is cool.

Which brings me to this video, take a minute and watch it. In case you can’t watch it, you basically have 6-7 year old girls dressed provocatively while dancing to a Beyonce song. Six and Seven year old girls!! One question, where are the parents? I lied I have another question, why didn’t anyone say hell no to this idea? My girl takes dance class and you can best believe that if provocative dances were being taught she would be pulled out and next I would be making others aware of what the dance school was teaching.

It’s easy to lay blame about the sexualization of girls at the feet of the media, but the fact is as parents we are the folks in charge and responsible for our kids. Turn off the TV, don’t buy the clothes, and say no you will not be in the dance recital. At times it feels as if my generation is so stuck on being cool and hip that we have carried that attitude and view into our parenting. I figure while I want my kids to like me, it’s my job to raise em and hopefully do so in a way that they will be dynamic adults. What kind of messages do we send our kids when we cannot be parents instead choosing to be their pal? Truthfully there are times in parenting when you may have to play the heavy, it sucks but parenting like any other relationship has those moments. What are we saying when we cannot bear to stand for something? Instead allowing our kids to be shaped by forces beyond us.

Seriously there are times when as painful as it is you just have to say no.

Accepting My Limits

This is a rare week that I have off from work, I love the end of the year since with my job it’s time off without me having to use up my vacation time since we are closed. Granted I still have to make sure certain issues are addressed but an hour or so of work every couple of days is still a vacation.

Now that the holidays are done with and I have some time off, I have time to catch my breath and think…no good ever comes from thinking. Anyway, I have had to face the fact that while its been a great money saver to take girl child out of fulltime daycare, fact is it’s really not working for us. There are days I like to pretend I am a stay at home Mom but the fact is my job is pretty damn intense. Yes, my schedule is flexible to some degree but the reality is the last few months I feel stretched….the result is the girl child has learned to play by herself. Big yes to that! The downside is she is an official television junkie.

Now, I have never been anti-tv but I believe in moderation. Problem is when the Spousal Unit and I are thigh high in work that pays the bills, the fact is there is little time to do all that nifty creative stuff I dreamed about back in late summer when I hatched this plan to save money by taking her out of childcare.

Yeah, she goes to preschool three mornings a week, but just as I am hitting my work stride it’s time for the girl to come home and then two hours later I put in appearance at my office. Then there are dance days and then days like today when nothing is going on and the Spousal Unit and I juggle the child and our work. The end result is I look forward to her bed time the way a prisoner looks forward to their release date. All this time together has resulted in a lot of good times as a family but it’s also come at the expense of the quality of our work. My personal work style is rather peculiar and when I am in a grant cycle which I will be in soon, I need a lot of time to work and think.

We are looking at the possibility of seeing an increase in our income and while I want to save it all, remember I want to get out of debt. I am also thinking 3 days a week back at her former center will save my sanity and ensure that I get my work done so I can stay employed. Mind you my employer is very happy with my efforts at the moment but I know me and know that I am burning out. The thing is elder boy graduates from high school in a few short months and college is the next stop, being a single income family is not in our cards. So one could say I have the best of both worlds, since I have a job I love that is pretty flexible.

But the fact is while I grapple to accept my limitations, I cannot help but feel a tad like a bad Mama for even thinking of sending the girl child back to daycare but I am at the end of my rope. Hey, guess this is what being an adult is all about, accepting your reality and making the best choices you can.