Black Girl in Maine

Musings of a black woman living in the nation's whitest state

Tag Archives: Facebook

A Brave New World Where We all get Left Behind

In this uber connected 24/7 world we are living in, those of us that use social media either for professional or personal reasons often forget that not everyone else plugs in like we do. While a large swatch of Americans have access to the internet, that does not mean everyone who does is tweeting, Facebooking, Google Plusing and thinking about their Klout score. For some it’s just a place to check email, apply for a job and maybe look up something.

Lately when talking to my Dad during our weekly chats, we have been talking more and more about the impact of the internet and social media on our daily lives. He recently asked me to explain Klout scores and was blown away by the concept and asked a simple question that really stayed with me…what about those who simply are not a part of this brave new world?

Well sad to say they get left behind. As our dependence on social media grows, in many ways it’s a good thing but in many ways it’s not. In some ways the digital divide is closing, turns out some of the heaviest users of Twitter are African-Americans. Which I can attest to and not because I am black! I often joke, I have two twitters that I am a part of, mainstream and Black. Sometimes the two clash especially when I make a tweet that someone who is Black or familiar with Black culture gets as a joke, yet someone who is not takes way too seriously. For me it’s all fun and games but really it isn’t.

While it’s commonly assumed that if one chooses not to be connected and heavily involved in social media, money or lack or resources is the chief barrier. Well my non-scientific study says that’s not true at all. Among the low income families I serve, many have home computers (often through Rent a Center, but that’s another post), and now that cell phone technology has grown it means one can even have a pay as you go smartphone which of course provides access. While there are clearly parts of the US that don’t have great connections thus limiting access, the truth is not everyone wants to be connected.

One of my oldest friends is an on air-person in the Chicago radio scene and has been for years, yet he has no Facebook or Twitter accounts. In fact he has been adamant with his employer that unless they just demand that he get them, he has no intentions of doing so. I asked him a while back why, and he told me privacy. Lately B’s decision has been in the back of my mind as Facebook goes through yet another series of changes. How much are we giving up to be connected?
I am starting to slowly think that the price of this 24/7 connection may be higher than any of us think, yet we won’t realize it until it’s too late. In the old days, one could be relatively anonymous online, but more and more we are being asked to reveal ourselves. In some cases there are very good reasons. Yet depending on who you are, revealing your inner self can have deep repercussions. Does the boss really need to know you are a member of the BDSM scene? Yet if Mark Zuckerberg has his way, frictionless internet experiences will have of us all knowing way too damn much about each other.

Yet the price you pay when not connected is pretty damn high! Depending on what you do for a living, not having a Klout score can hurt you, and in order to get a high score you have to be a heavy user of social media. Some months back, I did a little experiment, I attempted to give up Facebook for a month, and it failed. Why? Turns out party invites, and other ways of connecting are all done on line especially via Facebook. Just this past weekend, we went to celebrate a friend’s birthday…how was the invite and plans made? Facebook. Gone are the days when we just pick up the phone for many of us, at best, we might text.

There really are no answers, I can’t imagine going back to a world where all shopping must happen in a store, or research at a library. In recent months, I have taken some of my online interactions, off line and met up with people who really may turn into good friends. That said, I admit even I am starting to grow uneasy at how much of myself is revealed and known online by people who really don’t know me.

In the end maybe we are all getting left behind, some by choice and some by being a part of this brave new system where the entry price is higher than any of us can truly understand and won’t understand until it’s too late.

It’s all about getting that cash

I have been using various forms of social media now for well over a decade now. In the late 1990′s  I discovered discussion boards, I was contemplating making some life changes and was in need of a supportive community and at that time the net was small enough that I hooked up with a couple of online communities that met my needs. Over a decade later, I have met some amazing women many who have become real life friends.

When I packed up my life in 2002 and left Chicago and landed in Maine, it was those same online communities and friendships that sustained me until I reached the point of having some local support in Maine. I guess what I am saying is I have been online for quite a while. My first husband was and still is a computer geek, back in 1991 when we married he was going online using BBS (bulletin board system) I remember back then thinking what the hell is he doing, little did I know how much that early exposure to making connections online was going to impact my life.

In the past 5-6 years we have literally seen social media go mainstream, I remember just a few years ago before sites like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter became household names explaining my online activity to real life friends and being looked at like I was insane. After all who communicated on a computer with people they didn’t know? By the way this was in the early 2000′s…many of these same real life friends now use sites like Facebook and others as staples in their daily life.

I stumbled onto blogs probably about 4-5 years ago, many of the early blogs I read were true labors of love. Often folks sharing amazing tales of their life, awesome writing. Back than folks often just started blogs to have an audience, another way of making connections. Take bloggers like the very popular Pioneer Woman, she just wanted a way to stay connected to the folks in her life, she had no idea that one day she would be writing books and last I heard there is talk about a movie about the story of her life. I think many women particularly mothers gravitated to blogs as a way of making connections. In Maine we have Amanda Blake Soule of the blog Soule Mama. Her blog chronicles her life here in Maine with her 4 kids and their creative endeavors.  Her daily life and adventures became the basis for the 3 book deal she later landed but from what I have heard (Maine is small, while I don’t personally know Amanda, I have friends who do) she didn’t start blogging with the intent to land a book deal. She did something she liked with no expectations and well good shit happened.

 Initially when I started this blog, I had my eyes set on achieving some level of fame that would translate into a paycheck but over the two years I have been blogging, now it’s about my process. For me it’s about strengthening my skills as a writer but also having a voice, lastly as a woman of color its about connecting with others. This blog has allowed me to connect with folks in Maine as well as outside; I have met some fellow bloggers and readers that one day I would love to sit down with and share a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

I also think that when I let go of dreams of turning this blog into a cash cow, it allowed me to stay true to myself and my creative being. I also use social media such as Twitter to promote this blog but even Twitter allows me to connect with others especially some of the most creative and free thinking minds in Maine. Just yesterday I caught lunch with a young lady of color who recently moved to Maine. So yeah money might be nice, but making human connections is even better.

I say all this to say that as a long time user of social media in all its forms I see some disturbing trends developing. More and more I read blogs or see Twitter users turning themselves into a brand…the brand of me. Twitter for many is about promoting oneself, one’s business. Look there is nothing wrong with promotion if you have a legitimate product to promote but in many cases I see complete and utter bullshit being packaged in a slick glossy package and well its empty as hell.

The problem with this new trend of self promotion is that it takes away from authentic connections. How can we truly connect if at the end of the day you are more concerned about sealing a deal and getting paid? Look maybe that works with the youngsters but for an old head like myself its a huge turnoff. I think about some of my ex favorite blogs, ones that landed the book deal or through blogging landed a great job and then the original blog lost its spark.

There is a fashion blog I have followed for a while and when the blogger initially started off, it was great. You as the reader connected because you saw a regular person putting together articles of clothing that were accessible to the masses and rocking the hell out of that shit. Year down the road, this blogger blows up, to the point she quits her job, now she attends Fashion Week, has corporate sponsors up the wazoo and basically her blog reads like an advertisement, a glossy magazine.

Funny thing is this particular blogger is one of the biggest influence in my returning to my love of vintage clothes, she gave me some great ideas. Yet now I occasionally visit her blog and feel much the way I feel when I read a fashion magazine. That what she is hawking is inaccessible, furthermore as a follower of hers on Twitter, the constant promotion of herself as a brand is making me reevaluate whether or not I should even continue to follow her.

The thing is we have a zillion books and consultants who all for some cash will tell you how to market the brand of you, giving away so-called secrets that will make you into a social media superstar and of course earn you some cash. Look, and can I be frank most of what they are telling you is bullshit. You don’t need to have a brand called you because guess what? You are you! I admit as a graduate of a masters level organizational management program, I am well familiar with consultants and having even done a brief but successful stint as an organizational management consultant, I am here to tell you most of what these folks say is designed to earn them money and leave you wondering.

I admit occasionally they may give you a nugget of truth but I believe that much like real life relationships the only key you need is to be your authentic self in all that you do. Folks like The Pioneer Woman and Soule Mama achieved a high level of success in the social media world by simply being themselves, no gimmicks or special conferences needed. When we lose our authentic selves even in an electronic medium we risk becoming a mindless automaton who is programmed for one thing, getting that cash and really aren’t we more than that.

Kinda over Facebook

I have written often about my addiction to all things net related including spending too much time reading blogs and wasting time on Facebook. Well thanks to the girl child being home more often and my work life going full tilt as I do the money dance all non-profit executives are doing these days. I have had less time to spend online, yet when I do now get online aside from checking into a few of my favorite blogs, I find myself growing bored when I am online. Specifically the great love affair with Facebook is officially over.

Maybe it’s me but I seem to know a lot of folks who like to play Mafia Wars…don’t get me wrong it’s a great time waster but recently every time I log on, my newsfeed is filled with what folks are doing on Mafia Wars. To each how own… No the biggest issue is realizing that most of those folks I was so happy to connect with, well there is a reason they were in my past. Seems I know a high percentage of folks who are just out-and-out nutty. To the point I cringe when I get notification that certain folks have replied to one of my links or status updates. At this point there are about 3 folks I am genuinely happy to have reconnected with but otherwise most are people I would be happy to never know again.

Then again maybe its just a sign that Facebook as a fad is on its way out as more and more folks realize after a while there is only so much catching up you can do with someone you haven’t seen in damn near 20 years.

So what about you? Are you still a die hard Facebook person or are you over it?

Just a random stream of babble

I am on vacation, of course being short of cash my vacation involves sitting in my house though I may spend a few days in western Maine chilling with friends..So now that I am on vacation and still have a few days of childcare before girl child leaves daycare (by the way she is officially mad about this) it means I have time to let my mind wander which brings me to the point of today’s post.

Like many others I enjoy using Facebook, one might say I like it too much, shit I check Facebook from my Blackberry since I like to stay connected (I am working on pulling the plug) anyway I have noticed a disturbing trend, folks get really mad on Facebook. I may have mentioned it before (see I am getting old, can’t even remember what I wrote!) someone posts a seemingly innocent comment or link to a news story, well as you know it shows up in your friends feed, and humans being what they are, they respond. Are you still with me? Well some folks get mad because their “friends” post replies that bug them or their friends post updates that annoy them or even trouble them. I have recently seen shared “friends” engage in serious arguments/debates on Facebook, one woman I know has taken to proselytizing to another “friend” who is a devout pagan. Um…what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Look, the only reason I like Facebook as much as I do is it makes it easier to stay in touch with folks, I can upload pictures instead of sending a ton of emails or getting on the phone. Granted I do like getting on the phone but its not always easy, shit, I am mad that one of my two best friends is a Facebook holdout, he refuses to join, says its not his thing. People complain when their parents join and crimp their style…I wish my Papa would join, that way he could get regular pics of the family since he is such a Luddite that he doesn’t even own a computer and only uses one at work.

Anyway back to my rant or maybe its not a rant but an observation of someone who is starting to recognize that they are getting older, but life is too short to get pissed that a “friend” has political views that are not the same as mine. Unless this friend is a member of Steven Anderson’s church in Tempe, AZ which in that case there would be such a gulf I really might find it hard to stay calm but even then I believe in respecting folks and their differences. I got a few real life buddies who lately have taken to sending me right wing propaganda via email, I don’t get mad I hit delete. Occasionally I make a status update on Facebook that lets those folks know I got their emails but that I don’t agree and I leave it at that…but to start actual arguments over what we say on something like facebook is ridiculous.

It reminds me of the video I have seen a few times about how to not let facebook ruin your relationships, its the video with the predominantly Black cast and a woman yelling you been poking her all day and the guy whining about how his lady love doesn’t post on his wall.

Technology should enhance our lives and the moment it stops doing that is a point at which we should reevaluate our relationship…as for me, I am going to enjoy this last blast of summer here in Maine. So catch ya in a few days.

The hookup?

Its early up here in my little corner of the world, in fact we haven’t even gotten the girl child off to preschool yet. So I am sitting here reading my paper online, sipping a cup of hot delicious coffee and listening to NPR. This is pretty much my routine everyday, consume caffeine and consume news….the world doesn’t feel right unless I do those two things early in the morning.

Anyway this morning, I heard a report on NPR about young folks and hooking up. In case you are like me and a tad old, and not familiar with this term it basically means young folks no longer date or even have a random one night stand. They just hook up, they get their sexual needs met…by the way the hookup may or may not involve intercourse unlike say a one night stand. Though it does have a sexual aspect to it.

See, it seems dating is just notdone. You have your crew of buddies that are your friends and then you have folks you might want to get the hook up with….hook-ups apprently are not meant to evolve into a relationship. In fact they had a young man speaking about how costly a date can be, that he doesn’t bother to take a young woman to the movies after all its at least $43 to $50. Wow! It seems the women don’t expect a date either…

Look, I hardly had a vibrant dating life as a teenager since I was a Black girl in the 1980′s in a predominantly white setting and that was before interracial dating became the norm, so that meant that I rarely had any dates. However as a young woman in my twenties between husbands (remember I married the first time straight out of high school) I did have a chance to date and the norm was for a man to take you out on a date. A date consisted of a meal, some entertainment maybe in the form of a movie, a a play or stopping to hear some live music. On this thing called a date, the man paid for the date….look I am a equal opportunity woman who considers herself a womanist but at the heart I am still old fashioned and expect men to pay. Heck even my best friend who is a man pays for our outings even though I don’t expect it but he too is a old fashioned cat. The only man I ever dated whom I opened up my pocketbook to, turned out to be a less than honorableman. So yeah, I am old fashioned. If I became single today and a man wanted to go out but expected me to pay, it would not happen and if it did he would not be comsidered relationship material. He would be a buddy, not man material.

Anyhoo, back to this story..the interviewer spoke with folks from various backgrounds, Black, White, college-educated, not educated…they all seemed to agree that the hook-up is here to stay. One young woman admitted she wished for more but that was not how things are done these days.

Ok….putting on my Mama hat. What the hell is wrong with people? Look sex between two consenting adults can be a wonderful thing but generally it gets better, the better you know each other. I have  tried a hook or two type deal when I was single and as my Granny used to say…that’s for the birds. Connection is a beautiful thing. Its a once in a lifetime deal when we meet someone and connect immediately buy even those explosive types of connections are still superficial. After all you don’t know the other person. If you just need a release, get a damn toy. If you are a man, use your right hand.

What’s even more scary to me aside from the hook-up is how folks use social media to make the connection. It seems we can meet via a shared friend say on Facebook, we exchange texts and other messages and eventually we make the connection. Now if this was turning into an actual relationship I would have no issue with it, I have several friends who have met their partners online…that’s cool. No I am talking we meet online only to have sex and not even evolve into a friendship…sorry, I am officially old because that just seems sad and wrong.

No, as a mother it scares me to think that this is the brave new world my kids are in since elder boy is already there and one day girl child will be there.

So humor me…what are your thoughts on the hook-up? Is it a good thing or bad? Am I just being an old stick in the mud?

Electronic front porch or something else….

I will admit I am an internet junkie, I spend way too much time online. It started almost 10 years ago when I was contemplating going natural (translation, no more chemical relaxers in my hair), at that time I knew no one in my day to day life who was natural and needed some support. Since the first time I tried to dread my hair at 18, it was a failure since I didn’t know at that time that dreads on relaxed hair don’t work. (I basically was just washing and going with no combing…it was a hot mess)

So almost 10 years ago I came across an online community of women of African descent who were either natural or also contemplating the move. It was a great little community and allowed me to also connect with women who lived in Chicago as well so I could get some live examples. At that point in time, my internet usage was still pretty tame since I was in Chicago and not relying on the net to fill any voids in my life.

Then 7 years ago we moved to Maine and a sista was lonely with a capital L, starting all over 1100 miles from family and friends is no joke, despite daily calls back home, the only person I talked to daily face to face was the spousal unit…it was a rough time.

A year after the move was when my Mom got diagnosed with cancer and thus started the journey that ended with her death 8 months after being diagnosed. By then the sistas from my online discussion group really did become my support, after her death the women from our board organized and sent a gift to help my family out since they knew that my Dad was out of work and I had been helping my folks out.

It was after my Mom’s death that I truly knew the women in my group were not just online folks but many are indeed friends, I know that I can travel to anyplace and if there is a sista from our group, I won’t be alone. In fact early in my time here in Maine, a sista came through and we got together.

That said as my time in Maine goes on, I reached a point where clearly I needed to find some real life buddies and in 7 years I will say that I have built a decent support group, though sadly one of my dearest friends is getting ready to relocate to southern New England. She is one of my few Black girl friends here and to say I am dreading the day she leaves is an understatement.

Now I shared all this to say that I clearly see real value in using the internet as a sociliazing tool, even Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with old friends, so despite the many changes even Facebook serves a purpose.

However I must admit that as of late it bothers me how may folks use the internet to connect with versus face to face interactions, actually a dear real life friend admitted she sees Facebook as an electronic front porch of sorts…I don’t know but I don’t quite see it the same way.

I fear that as we gravitate to using text messages and mediums such as Twitter and Facebook, that it has the ability to take away from the human experience of connecting. Lately I have noticed that on Friday and Saturday nights I find myself online chatting with folks who are only 10-15 miles away from me and that just seems strange. No one can find the time to get together for a coffee or drink but we are all sitting in our respective homes on our computers chatting and while there is nothing wrong with that, I remember as a child that on weekends my folks had friends over or we went to visit others.

I sense we are losing a piece of our humanity by reducing ourselves down to digestable soundbytes to the point that even I have noticed my attention span is not what it used to be and that scares me.

While I realize I would never want to go back to life without this amazing technology, lets also not forget the value in really reaching out and connecting to one another.

Have a happy weekend and welcome Spring!

Internet addiction has its upside

Months ago I wrote about my growing addiction to being online, its a tough monkey to kick since my work keeps me online to some degree when I am actively doing research. Also since I still spend part of my week working from home, being online at times serves the same purpose as the office water cooler. That said, I still spend too much time online and have promised the spousal unit that I will lessen my time.

Anyway, looks like Facebook actually served a useful purpose other than killing time. I reconnected this week with several old childhood friends, one being my oldest and best-est buddy. A woman who knows me better than almost anyone else aside from the spousal unit, only thing is our life goes in weird ebbs and flows where sometimes we are thick as thieves and other times we lose contact yet we always reconnect. Last time I saw my girl was almost 5 years ago when  Mama Blackgirl passed away and my girl was there to hold me up.

So its been interesting connecting with folks I knew when I was a young-in and seeing where we are in life, seems the old crew from Chicago is all married with kids which at our ages makes sense.

Anyway happy Friday, as for me I am trying to stay warm since it was a balmy 15 below when I woke up this morning and apparently my furnace despite being only 3.5 years old is working rather hard to warm this house up. Yeah, right now the father in law’s offer to move near him in Arizona almost sounds good until I remember its hot as hell there in the summer and that I hate heat. See Monday!