Loving the me that is

For all my bravado, I have to admit that at times I have had a very low opinion of myself especially when it comes to my body. I have been actively working to move beyond it but the reality is that many times when I looked in the mirror what looks back at me, makes me want to hide. I suspect I am not alone in this but all I can do is tell my story.
I gave birth to my first child at 19 and despite snapping back to my pre-pregnancy weight before I even left the hospital, it was clear my body would never be the same. Sure I was a tiny little thing back then, but can we say stretch marks? Despite ample cocoa butter rubs while pregnant with my son the tummy I received after his birth was laden with stretch marks. I admit they bothered me but since I was more or less the same body wise after his birth, I figured I could live with my body.
Nope, it was when I hit my late 20’s and started gaining weight that the war with my physical self, kicked into full swing. I won’t take you through my affair with weight issues but let’s just say that for the past 10 years or so, my weight has fluctuated between 135 at the low end and 181 at the high end. When I am at the low end, I like my body and some days even love her. Oh she is so sexy and my ample made to have many baby hips are a bit smaller so clothing is my friend, not something I wrestle with…when my body is heavier, I hate the bitch, I hate her so much that I purposely wear the baggiest clothes I can find ensuring that I look even worse. Then I start riding the self-hate wagon and just become engulfed in negativity because I feel I look like a whale, nothing fits and basically am at an all day and all night pity party.
Last year kicked off with me being the smallest I had been in a long time, I had been on Weight Watchers for years and made my goal weight and even became a Lifetime Member and maintained that weight for almost two years. However last spring, I had to have a much needed abdominal surgery that turned out to be far more extensive than we had planned and I ended up being laid up for damn near six week. In the end I gained weight and I admit I started to despair, oh no…fat ugly me had returned! Time to get back on the self-hate roller coaster!
A funny thing happened though as I started to get back on the ride, I started to work on my mind and my emotional state. The past year for me has been about going deep and really figuring myself out and what I need and want, it’s been a journey to find the grown up me. It culminated this spring when I figured I was headed to divorce court and instead a new pathway opened up to me. This past year I have fallen in love…with myself, the self that exists beneath the surface, the self that does not need numbers to make me happy. The self that is happy in good times and bad times, a me that is so sexy some days I want to make love to myself! Funny thing is I haven’t lost a lick of weight, last time I checked I am sitting at 160 which means I need to lose a good 15 pounds. Oh, I plan on doing it but my happiness and peace of mind is no longer based off either the numbers on a scale or the numbers on the tag of my clothing.
I recently made the decision to cut off all my hair, it was something I had been wanting to do but was nervous about since the Spousal Unit freely admitted that the last time my hair was short he didn’t think it was my best look. I won’t lie I was nervous about cutting it off after all what if my man didn’t find me attractive? Here I am overweight with no hair? In the end I said fuck it! I like me no matter what anyone thinks and based off the reactions I suppose not everyone finds the look flattering but a funny thing happened…the other day the Spousal Unit said he really thought I looked good now. Funny thing is I looked at a picture of myself from the last time my hair was this short and I was wearing a few extra pounds and the only difference is my mind is different, it’s free, it’s happy and it’s peaceful. Sure if I smile too much I look a little chipmunk-ish, on the other hand if I am smiling these days it means I am super happy.
Too many times I think we as humans delay being happy unless we achieve A, B, and C, funny thing is what if we never achieve those things? It would mean a life not fully lived or happy as far as I am concerned. Sure it’s nice being thinner but in the end loving the me that is, is far better than chasing a me that may never be.

  1. November 15, 2011
  2. November 15, 2011
    • November 16, 2011
  3. November 16, 2011
  4. November 17, 2011