In a few short weeks the hubster and I will be celebrating 14 years of marital bliss, ok maybe they haven’t been all blissful but it’s been more or less a good ride. In the 16 years that we have been together, what started off as an awkward friendship has blossomed into him truly being my best friend. We are at a point in our relationship there is not a thing I cannot share with him. Some of the heavy work we have done this year has involved breaking down the last barriers and truly opening ourselves up to one another and not holding back.
Most married couples will tell you oh, we are best friends! But if you look deeply you will see there are areas that they aren’t always comfortable sharing with one another. Now my thoughts are if we share finances, other humans, property and all that jazz, there need not be any barriers.
Which is why it wasn’t a huge shocker when I realized and announced to my ole man that despite my attempt to forsake all other humans as I said I would almost 14 years ago, that oh my…I have a crush on someone. See, this crush thing started rather innocently, thanks to the nature of my work, I meet and deal with all types of people. As I need non-poor folks to support the work that I and my agency do. So said human aka the crush (due to the fact many people I know in real life sometimes read my blog, no identifying traits shall be shared) and I met some months back and initially I thought nothing of it, other than the crush had something I needed. (Get your minds out of the gutter, kids!)
Well I realized a couple of months ago after sitting in a meeting with this human and realizing that I could not focus on my task at hand, instead thinking dear God, let me get out of this room before I embarrass myself, that shit! I have a crush on this guy. Oh, he is attractive and sexy and….yeah, you get the idea! So I did what most married women probably would not do, I went home and told the hubster. Yep, I told him all about the crush man and you know what he said? OK! No jealousy, anger or anything like that. In fact after overhearing me talk to crush man the other day, he thinks the whole thing is rather cute. Since there aren’t too many humans alive that can turn his wife who always knows what to say into a blubbering mess. Really whenever I talk to crush man I cannot focus, instead I have suggested he email me because I hate the phone. Nope, I don’t hate the phone but my chances of putting my foot in my mouth are far less likely if we don’t talk directly to one another.
Funny thing is the hubster and I are happier than we have ever been, no joke. We have logged many late nights this year just regrouping and enjoying each other now that the six year old goes to bed at a regularly scheduled time and no longer needs one of us around to fall asleep.
So I must admit part of me is like why a crush at this stage in my life? Then I realized shit happens but more importantly human shit happens and while many may read this and be horrified, the reality is thoughts and feelings are just those. Just because one is married does not mean they cease to be a human capable of noticing and having feelings for others, the bigger issue is what we do with those feelings. I am convinced that many affairs start not necessarily because someone is unhappy, granted unhappiness in a marriage might make an affair more likely but more that we don’t feel we can be open with our partner.
We want to “protect” our partner so rather than say man; I think that dude is fine and actually talking about it. We create a secret and heaven help us if the object of our eye also has feelings for us we then create an environment where not sharing something rather small can grow into something far more hurtful.
In my case while I must admit it is amusing to realize that at this age I am capable of having a crush on someone, it also serves as a reminder that I am still very alive and very human and prone to the thoughts, and feelings that most of us are capable of. As for crush man, well I am going to keep my distance and hoping we don’t end sitting next to each other at any meetings so I don’t make a fool of myself. I am also happy that the hubster loves and accepts me in all my messiness.