Today’s one of those days when to be honest I need to be honest, I am not looking for tips, suggestions or any of that because I can assure you I already know. I just need to give voice to the shit that keeps me up at night.
I love my kids, I would die for them, and my son is a prince of a young man. Seriously, I often wondered how damaged he might end up as a result of his non standard upbringing; instead he continuously blows my mind with his thoughts, actions, etc. I look at him and he reminds me of what I might have been at 19, had I not decided to take a different path.
My daughter, much loved, much wanted, one of the few things my own beloved Mama told me before she passed away was that I was going to have a daughter and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right. I did indeed have a daughter, though dear old Ma neglected to tell me though that this daughter would be a handful. Even in my womb, I sensed she was high energy, I sensed she would be larger than life and well….to be honest she has not disappointed.
Yet lately I find myself grappling with the fact that she tires me out and she wears me down and sometimes parenting her is not only not fun but downright hazardous to my health. For over a year now I have sensed in that way that only mothers can, that there is more to her quirky behavior than regular age appropriate behavior. Whereas my parenting style with her was very attachment parenting almost bordering on consensual, the hubby and I have tried to tighten up a bit in hopes of reining her in. I struggle with not wanting to douse her fire but at the same time the reality is until recently we lived with a child that ran our lives like a mini Mahmood Ahmadinejad and Fidel Castro combined. My husband was the first to notice her behavior was not normal and that we needed to adjust our parenting style, I slowly realized he was right.
I admit that one of the reasons we have kept her in school despite our desire to home school is the hope of getting her services, however much like her physician and others, no one sees this behavior, and instead her teachers and others constantly rave about how perfect she is. My daughter is a charmer; adults love her because she is well mannered and in most adults eyes the perfect kid. Instead my husband and I are the recipients of her wrath; I admit I am being intentionally vague in not wanting to describe the behaviors we deal with. I will say though that we have tried diet modification (instead she refused to eat and lost weight which was a no-no) and other ideas and none have worked. Right now we suspect she may have ADHD but no one else agrees with us though it seems common that girls with ADHD don’t get diagnosed until puberty whereas boys are diagnosed much earlier.
I admit parenting her has become a lot easier now that the Spousal Unit and I have recommitted to our relationship and despite the need for sleep have found ourselves staying up all hours of the night just to make that happen. But today was just one of those days where my patience is thin, so very thin. No one ever tells you that sometimes parenting is really, really tough and even when you are not a first time parent in my case, you may end up with a child that throws you for a loop.