I woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed despite staying up well past my bedtime and the brutal heat of yesterday. As part of my morning meditation, I laid in bed thinking that for the first time in a long time, life feels good. Not just I am having a good moment but that for the first time in a long time, I feel balanced and not as if I am running on the damn hamster wheel. My marriage is headed in a good direction despite making choices that others might find questionable, the Spousal Unit and I are in sync, a place we really haven’t been since the pregnancy test back in late 2004 told us we were going to be welcoming a new addition to the family. Granted, I personally have been unbalanced since that fateful night in July 2003 when my mother called me on a Friday and delivered the news that the pesky cough she had been dealing with for months was actually lung cancer. Since that night, I have watched my financial, emotional and mental house slowly crumble to the ground. It has not been a fun time, but relief is here, I called the Wolf and he is delivering me.
However since late last year I have been on a journey to get back to me, sometimes in the many roles I juggle it is hard to make time for myself, to sit in the quiet still moments and really hear my soul speak to me, guide me and for me to allow myself to surrender to myself. Yet it’s happening, it’s really happening, my yoga teacher the other day told me she felt I was finally getting it and I knew what she meant.
Yet sometimes despite our desires and intentions, life just gets in the way and sometimes throws us for a loop. This morning after dropping the kidlet off at school, the man came home and informed me that the engine warning light had gone off. In just that instant I felt like all my hard work was for naught. Just a few days ago, I mentioned this piece in a post and that piece literally sprang to mind. Yep, it’s hard as fuck to get on solid financial footing when life keeps happening. See, we are finally ready to get the bankruptcy case filed (if anyone thinks filing bankruptcy is easy, they have no idea what they are talking about, add in the fact it ain’t cheap! Ironic that one is financially insolvent yet must come up with almost $2000 upfront to get protection from the courts), finally going to be able to finish the bulk of the work on my teeth and finally able to get some much needed home repairs done. Needless to say an unplanned car repair could cause my financial house of cards to crumble.
I spent the first few minutes after digesting this news in an anger fueled rage but then I remembered to just breathe. Breathe deeply and intently and let it all out. In the time that it took for me to breathe, the man remembered rather than taking the car to our mechanic first that he could take it to the auto parts place and get the diagnostic code ran. In short this process means before taking it into the mechanic and paying for their exam, we could at least get a sense of what is wrong.
Drum roll please, looks like it’s a minor issue something about the Evap system (hey we aren’t mechanics) but it’s a relatively minor issue so it looks like we are back on track. Can you say I just took another deep breathe filled with gratitude that at least this time we dodged a bullet, since if we were looking at something more serious, it would require the type of juggling that is part of life when you live with financial scarcity.
PS: Changes are underfoot here at Blackgirlinmaine, ads will be up by sometimes next week as I have been accepted into the Blogher network. There are some other good things related to my writing coming down the pike but I can’t publicly speak on those things yet. Happy Friday!