Love in Black and White

Being the Internet junkie I am, I spend a lot of time avoiding client work by hanging out on discussion boards and reading blogs. During the past few months, I have started reading more and more blogs by Black women who are interested in or are involved in interracial relationships. Now I enjoy reading them since after all, my very beloved spousal unit happens to be white, even my no longer beloved ex-spousal unit is white. Yet as I like to joke the fact that when I married a second time, I married yet another white man was the universe’s way of telling me don’t ever say never..

See, when the not so beloved ex and I split up, I swore up and  down, I was done with white men and I meant that from the bottom of my heart. In fact to prove my point I immediately hooked up with a Black man in what became a roller coaster of an emotional ride. That relationship was probably the most passionate that I have ever been involved in, the highs were high and the lows were low but in the end, despite giving 250%, the relationship crashed and burned after it was learned that brotha man was not as faithful as I expect my man to be. All I will say is that his Blackness probably saved him from some of the evil shit I have done in the past to white partners that have wronged me. (I used to be a real crazy broad, like I joke I am 1/8 Mexican and handy with a blade, I will cut a motha who wrongs me).

No, I did not run back to white men after getting done wrong by brotha man, but just figured that again if I ever took that long walk down the short aisle it would be with a man who shared my cultural makeup. However fate intervened and the hubster walked into my life and despite my desire for a man of my own hue, meeting a man who shared the qualities and values that I find critical in a mate, I decided to overlook that one pesky trait he lacked and that I desired…a high melanin content.

We have been married 11 years this fall, together 13 years and its been a ride. We love each other, we don’t argue much and considering that he puts up with my perimenopausal ass without much fuss does make him a keeper. Plus any man that can change shitty diapers without being asked gets a gold star.

However race does matter and it matters even more to me as I get older and no, I am not getting rid of him anytime soon. But when I hear sistas clamor to connect with white men because they think they will have better relationships, I must admit a part of me gets sad. Then when I hear sistas bash Black men, I must admit I actually get mad. See having done this marriage thing for a long time now, I know that a man is just a man and yes white boys may initially have a few more advantages over the brothas but at the end of the day, a white man is just a man. They can break your heart in a million pieces just like a Black man and sometime say shit that will hurt you more than anything a Black man can do.

When I see young sistas catagorically reject Black men, it makes me wonder how do they feel about their fathers? Brothers? Uncles? My dad was the first man I loved and my brother the second, so if I were to say all Black men are shit, what would I be saying about my own Pops? Catch my drift?

No, its ok to want to date across the racial spectrum but at the end of the day, I say fall in love with a person for who they are inside, not because you think a certain type of man is better than another. Living in Maine, I see plenty of white women wishing they had a decent man so I know all women are looking for Mister Right.

Yet when we say no to people who look like us, I think that speaks volumes for who we are deep down. Truth is we live in a society that pretty much does not value Black women, its for us to claim our space in this place and value ourselves but if valuing ourselves means tearing down our brothas, I say fuck that shit. Thing is even when you partner with a white man and have his babies, them children will still share your Black DNA and as a sista friend and I were discussing its important that biracial kids know who they are because we live in a world that despite the lip-service we give to embracing diversity as my son can tell you, them kids are considered Black.

So love who you want sistas, just don’t forget where we come from in the process.

Amazing times..mulling over Obama

I am in the midst of dealing with a ton of personal stuff this week, elder child is wrapping up his summer and getting ready to head back to his Pops house. I have been on a mad tour of preschools, turns out looking for the right preschool for a 3 year old is much like looking for the right college these days. Plus I have back to back deadlines for clients which while ultimately good for my pocketbook is bad for my short term sanity.

All that said, today the enormity of Barack Obama actually becoming the Democratic nominee just hit me, it truly was not that many years ago us Black folks were still drinking out the colored water fountains and putting up with some really stank ass shit, in other words living like second tier citizens. My own Pops lived through much of it, since he was born and reared in rural Arkansas, he saw his own Dad fighting to vote.

Yet in just one generation, we have gone from seeing Black folks fighting to vote to actually being able to vote for a Black man. Now I will be the first one to say that as racist as America is, I at 35 never expected to see this day happen. I figured this might happen in my kids generation, but never in my own. But we are here, so tonight I sit back and just enjoy this moment. Clearly its not a done deal, Obama is going to have bring it 200% if he actually plans to win this shit since there are plenty of racists that would rather let a crazy old war mongering bastard be in charge, bit tonight join me in celebrating this victory and remembering the ancestors.. many who gave their lives for the possibility that tonight would become a reality.

Revisiting White Privilege and the Hillary Supporters

Last night I had a chance to catch Michelle Obama’s speech at the DNC convention, all I can say is wow! I swear I like her better than her husband, she appears to be authentic, I look at her and see myself and so many other Black women in her.. she represents well.

So I went to bed, feeling warm and fuzzy since between that emotional speech and those 2 gorgeous daughters, I was feeling good that I actually had the chance to catch the happenings last night.

Well the bubble was busted this morning when I woke up to my usual dose of NPR and the coverage about last night’s happenings at the DNC and they were discussing the Hillary factor, and had a couple of die hard Hillary supporters being interviewed. Let me just say they pissed me off, both women were clearly white, one described herself as an academic, the other a professional. They both spoke of how passionately they believed in Hillary and just needed proper closure before they could even consider supporting Obama. Wait! Hold the fuck up… you need closure. Um, newsflash, your candidate lost, time to move the fuck on.

Then it hit me, what has been bothering me most about the Clinton supporters who cannot let go and those that have  expressed the fucked up thought that they would rather vote for McCain over Obama (um, that’s not even logical but what the fuck does a little black chick from Maine know?). I think what bugs me most is that every time I hear these women speak, I am hearing them speak from a place of white privilege yet none of them would dare call it that. Oh, no, its coded in such a way that it sounds good, they use deep words, very emotional and moving language that while passionate, what they are really saying is  that losing to a nigger was never part of their expectations. I rarely use the n-word here but this is one time it feels fitting.  No, white privilege is predicated on the very false notion that whites are better than lowly people of color? Now, I admit I am not going to take the academic route here but white privilege is real and I sincerely believe the reason Clinton supporters can’t let go is that losing to a man of color is just not acceptable. When one operates from a place of privilege they in essence are able to look at the world through rose colored lenses, as I have written before white privilege allows one to make assumptions and not ever have to think about it, as I posted once before its simple shit like literally shitting where you want.

I have been Black all my life and its been my observation that whenever a Black persons bests a white person in something, no matter how trivial, the average white person gets uncomfortable. I won’t say all as my spousal unit is white and I know some good white folks but the vast majority only pay lip service to wanting to be equal.. in the end, for many white privilege comes into play.

At this point I feel like white privilege is too deeply ingrained in many Clinton supporters (where were these women when Hillary was being made to look like a fool while Bill was having not real sexual relations with Monica?), then again maybe just as I see bits of myself in Michelle Obama, perhaps these women see bits of themselves reflected in Hillary. Staying with a man, you really want to throw hot grits on when he has publicly humiliated you.. yet you stay because through him you can access power. However at the same time staying in a soul-less partnership drains you but at the end of the day, much like Scarlett O’Hara you believe there will be a better tomorrow, after all you are woman.. hear you roar. That was until that interloper aka Obama showed up. Ok, I admit I am getting goofy..not enough coffee yet.

Really though, the bottom line is that for me I believe white privilege is playing a large role in why some of the Clinton supporters cannot or will not support Obama. The pundits love to say Obama cannot close the deal, well unless the brotha gets a vat of white paint to give himself a makeover, with some folks he won’t close the deal and the sooner he accepts that and focuses on those he can convince to support him, the better off he will be.