Monthly Archives: January 2012
Marriage…no, it’s not that simple
I have thought long and hard about how personal I really want to be in this space considering that I am no longer anonymous. I am fortunate that for the most part the thoughts and opinions expressed in this space don’t bother my employer. That said, since I may not always be with this employer, I am starting to think more about what I actually share, especially after one of my closest friends shared with me that during a recent credit and background check for an apartment her now landlord pulled up her twitter account. Yikes!
Yet I am an open and honest person and so I figure if you know me offline eventually you will know who I am. That said, something I read earlier really bugged me, like really pissed me off especially as I am dealing with some pretty deep shit. The words of wisdom that set me off came from an unmarried woman, a good decade younger than me that shared that the key to staying married is simply to never get a divorce…ever! If only it were simple, but hey let’s check back in after you do a few years being married.
The truth is my marriage is struggling. It has been on struggle mode for quite a while now. The funny thing is the Spousal Unit and I love, adore and cherish each other and we are truly each other’s best friend. I trust the man with my life and can’t imagine that will ever change. Despite the fact we are struggling, we still spend most of our time with each other because we enjoy it. Even in the midst of our struggles we have taken to joking we should change our respective Facebook relationship statuses to “complicated” since it really is a complicated situation.
The first time I married at 18, I knew nothing and was woefully unprepared to be married as was my first husband. So it was no shock when our marriage erupted in flames, we were a toxic heady mix, and nothing could have saved that union. Even our now almost 20 year old son over the years has acknowledged that his Dad and I were probably not a good fit. Yet we had youthful dreams and hopes.
Second time around I wasn’t a kid and knew marriage was work and figured if we worked hard together that the marriage would always be strong. Funny thing about life to use my favorite quote from John Lennon “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”. Turns out in the real world, a couple can be strong, in love but still have issues that make them incompatible. There is no secret to staying married, and anyone who tells you otherwise is shitting you. I say that with 14 years of marriage under my belt and being the offspring of a couple that did 31 years until death parted them.
I have no idea what our future holds, at this point we take it day by day, and take the good with the ugly. Yet we both had a great laugh when I shared the so-called keys to staying married that I stumbled across, if only it were that easy. Life is messy and when you combine lives it gets even messier. Or shall we just say it’s complicated.
To feel, to emote….oh eff it
Crazy times we are in, we share so much of our selves in so many ways that would seem crazy to people 60-70 years ago, yet with all our connections and sharing the one thing that we don’t share is ourselves and our emotions. We can share the minutia of our daily lives with strangers thanks to technology but sharing our actual emotions? No way dude! That’s crazy talk.
I have been grappling with the aftermath of stepping out of my comfort zone and while that step didn’t go well and I was thinking of ways to clean it up and make it tidy again. It hit me that for all my talk of being an open and honest person that these thoughts are counter to whom I strive to be. Emotions and feelings are what they are, no more, no less, and sharing them even if messy does not mean the end of the world. It hit me that the reason I can walk away from the situation is because to some degree I am no longer hiding my feelings. The parties involved know exactly where I am and how I feel, they can receive it and do with it what they please but no longer am I burdened with that energy.
While there could be some blowback in taking that huge leap, why is getting real seen as such as negative that we flee from it? One of the greatest tools in managing my anxiety is learning how not to let shit sit and stew, yet for months that is exactly what have I have done, to the point of threatening the things I value most.
Yet as a mother I often wonder am I modeling behavior I would want for either of my kids? Sometimes the answer is no, I worry too much about how others perceive of me and the reality is why does that matter so much? Instead I want to be someone who stands in her truth even if it is uncomfortable. Truth is always the best policy, truth can set us free and even if comes back with repercussions we can trust that eventually it all works out. The most basic form of truth is being honest about our feelings, if we can’t do that, it’s not a good look.
It’s okay to fail and not get what you want
I should have known yesterday was going to be one of “those” days, the kind that makes you wish you could take a swig from the Jack Daniels well before noon, even if you aren’t the drinking type. Lot of drama on the work front, all I can say is that when government officials track you down at your house on your personal cell phone before 9am, it is never good. I am a fighter, I put my heart and soul into my work and trust that all things will work out the way they are meant to but moments like these are good for reminding me of my blue collar Chicago roots. I take no shit!
In less stressful news, yesterday was a day that I was also dealing with some personal stuff; the nature of the stuff is personal. What I do want to share though is that I went way outside of my comfort zone and did something that was hard for me to even imagine and well…I don’t think it went too well. Oh, on the surface it didn’t look too bad but in reflecting on the event late last night, if it was not a complete flop, it also wasn’t a complete success.
I am type A in many ways so failure and not getting my way is hard to swallow, or rather it used to be. Early this morning, I was prepared to start wallowing in my sorrows for probably making myself look like a fool and it hit me. Sometimes it’s not about the win, the success, the goal or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes it’s about the fact you made the effort and won’t look back with regret. This issue or thing as we will call it was creating some major disharmony here in BGIM land so I needed to face it and while it didn’t go as planned, the fact I did it lowered the tensions greatly.
Failure is not always bad, hell sometimes it’s good because it can teach us a lot. Sure I knew that in theory but application and theory are two different things. As for the thing in question, it didn’t go as I wanted and it still could but at this point I am ready to lay it to rest and move on. It’s a new year, try something new, be bold, be daring and if you fail, so what! At least you tried.
Slacker…that’s me!
I am up writing early for me; then again last night my new best friend insomnia decided waking me up between 4-5am was no longer enough, I needed to be kept up all night. Never mind today is one of those days where I actually have a full day and evening of stuff to do aka work. Anyway while lying in bed praying for sleep, my mind started doing what it does best…thinking. Before going to bed I had had a text exchange with someone I know, a simple question was asked but that question stayed with me most of the night.
The question was simple but oddly enough one with no easy answer, where do I see myself professionally in 5, 10 years? Good question. I realized as I typed my reply back that wow, I must seem like a slacker to the highest degree. The truth is I stopped making professional goals a while back. To go back in history, it is rooted in a less than stellar past decade and the fact that most goals I set for myself, I have met and exceeded.
Ten years ago, my professional goals included getting my master’s degree and becoming the Executive Director of a non-profit organization. Well I accomplished that and even more, I have actually been the Executive Director of two agencies, launched a stable part time freelance career that includes a mix of writing what I love as well as what I excel at professionally. I admit sometimes running a small agency I don’t always feel like a serious non-profit player but in the past year I have been approached several times about positions at organizations far larger than the one I head up. In each instance I have decided the time was not right to move on, but the fact that my efforts to grow a truly small agency that was limited in scope to a full service agency on hopes, prayers and glue is being noticed by others is an honor. Though when I think back to my time in graduate school, the same strategies that work in small organizations can and do work in larger ones too; I know I have the skills to lead a 3 million dollar plus agency just as well as I can lead one that exists on under $100,000. The thing is I enjoy working at the smaller one more, I also think that smaller agencies tend to be neglected or ignored; people forget that we all start small. That means businesses, non-profit agencies and people!
So when I think of where I want to be in 5 or 10 years, the answer is I don’t know. I sacrificed a lot to make my goals professionally considering that when most were adjusting to college life at 18, I was married and getting ready for my next role of Mom. When others were graduating at 21 and thinking how great it was to be legal, I was doing the single Mom and poverty shuffle. So having started the professional rat race late and with baggage, I had to work at a far more rapid pace than others. I did not have the benefit of great connections to assist me. I had the gift of gab with a dash of charm thrown in and that has served me well. Sometimes I have been underestimated because of who I am…woe to such people, that’s all I will say on that.
Yet in the past year, it hit me that I am no longer interested in meeting goals, I am interested in enjoying this ride we call life. I suffer from what many suffer from who lose parents early in life; part of me wonders seriously will I live to be older than my mom? I am 11 years younger than the age she was when she died. She died at 50 and the gift of many years is a mixed bag on my Mom’s side, hell her Dad died at 54 and she beat him out by checking out at 50. So I am cautiously optimistic that I will be here a real long time but I also know life is what it is…so my desires are to be present in my life daily. To not get too caught up on that treadmill of work and minutia that at times keeps us too busy to really enjoy each day we are blessed with. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work, if I didn’t I would have moved on almost certainly but unlike years ago when professional success was truly a goal, it’s less of a goal.
My goals if I were to label them as such are to be joyful, to be open, and to be abundant and a few other items that are a bit too personal to share. Needless to say they keep me busy since I find daily, I don’t quite make the mark. I probably am a tad bit of an underachiever but that’s okay, the world is big enough for all types.
I must confess….I am a buy local dropout!
I just realized that unless someone offers me a fabulous job back home in Chicago by March that this year will mark ten years that I have been in Maine. Yikes! Where did the time go? Maine has been a journey, some good, some bad with a great deal of adjustment, hell I am still adjusting to life in Maine.
One of the biggest adjustments that frankly I never thought about prior to moving to Maine and landing in a city of 16,000 folks is how important it is to buy local. Frankly buying local is great regardless of if you are in a big city or small hamlet; it’s just that in small places like where I live the impact of folks supporting their local shops really makes a difference.
In the past decade, Southern Maine has seen a great deal of growth with big box stores setting up and frankly it’s a battle for the souls of shoppers. When we first moved here, the only big box store within a 10 minute driving distance was Wal-Mart. If you wanted Target, that meant traveling to New Hampshire or heading over to the Maine Mall area, the state’s largest mall/shopping experience. Now we have Target, Kohl’s TJ. Maxx, Panera, Starbucks and others just mere minutes away. The impact of these stores opening up have hit Main Street hard, and truthfully it sucks, hell it sucks monkey balls but sadly Main Street and small mom and pop shops need to stop blaming others for their demise and look inward.
As much as I have tried in the past decade to support the local Mom and Pop operations because they are my neighbors, our kids go to chorus together, whatever the reason, I just can’t do it anymore. I am tired of rewarding people for half assed attempts. My biggest pet peeve with small locally owned shops is that in 2012, many of them operate as if this were 1984. I am sooo tired of hours that don’t jive with real life in the 2000’s…I know you want Sunday off but today is my day to get shit done. Also do you really think closing at 5:30pm on the weekday is a grand idea? I don’t. Even in Maine people are commuting further distances which means the days of being able to pop by your quaint little shop at 5pm are ridiculous. Most folks I know in Maine who are not self-employed or in a position to work from home, basically haul ass for work. I have a friend who traveled daily from Wells, ME to Boston 5 days a week until she took early retirement at 59. As you can imagine she rarely shopped local, the shops were never open when she was able to shop.
I hesitate to write this because I know many professionally and personally who are truly gung ho about buying local and ya know what, it’s great but again why reward mediocrity? I have a confession…when I want a splurge breakfast, I mean a caloric splurge, my new favorite place is IHOP. Freaked me the hell out since I had been on the outs with IHOP since my Mom’s death, see the last meal my Mom had before she essentially spent the last 6 weeks of her life in hospitals and rehabilitation facilities was IHOP. Her last outside meal was IHOP pancakes and strawberries….so yeah; it was a bad association thing.
Anyway some weeks ago with the College kid home we needed a place to eat breakfast at 1 in the afternoon and I will be damned IHOP came through in a clutch. The cinnastack pancakes are my new guilty pleasure, they make shredded hash browns not the home fries most local joints in Maine prepare and every time I go there, the meal is the same. Let me repeat that the meal is the same. No wild variations, no showing up at the door and seeing the sign saying closed today. Nope when I have a hankering IHOP makes me happy and I don’t have to spend damn near twenty bucks on my breakfast alone. Helloooo, breakfast is typically a cheap meal but many local places in Maine, if they are good at what they do, they charge insane prices. People are you aware of what people actually earn here?
Oh I have tried so hard to love the local, non-chain, non-big box styled places in my town (note, I really do dig most of the stuff in Portland compared to where I actually live) but the truth is the love is just not there. I am tired of being asked to support businesses that don’t support me, the consumer. I admit that I would hate for Southern Maine to start looking like the real ugly parts of MA which are like loaded down with chain restaurants and shops but maybe a little change is good.
I constantly hear talk of what can be done to get people to not go to the big box and chain places, well my two cent opinion is maybe you need to change the way you operate. Sure I get it that staffing is costly but maybe running a shop with no outside help is not realistic unless you plan on living and breathing that business. I have never seen a big box store closed on Mondays (normal in Maine for locally owned restaurants) or closed for vacation. Also I need local folks to embrace technology, seriously you need websites that provide real information and are updated often. I know, I know….but still it is 2012.
So yeah I am a buy local dropout, now if I spend my dollars with locally owned shops it’s because they offer me value. In these trying times I want and need to know that my dollars are valued.
Oversharing online? Is it possible?
Tis the season for separations or marital disharmony, everywhere I look it seems once happily partnered couples are calling it quits or taking breaks to reassess their relationships. I suppose it is a sign of growing older especially in my circle, where most of my core folks are in the 35-45 range.
I have actually spent most of my adult life married, while the first marriage fizzled when my son was thirteen months old; it actually took years to have the union legally ended due to our inability to agree on anything. So by the time I was legally free of husband number one, I was actually already planning the upcoming union to the current Mr. BGIM. I imagine that sounds bad to some but life is messy like that.
The thing about marriage or unions is that when we are partnered with someone especially when it was supposed to be a lifetime deal, that relationship is a part of who we are. Sure we strive not to lose ourselves because well it’s not all that happy to do so but the person who shares your life is a huge part of your world. Much like when you become a parent, kids too take over your life.
So when love goes a tad sour like that jug of milk from two weeks ago, it is hard to not discuss it at some point. I mean sure you might be having some issues but when the issues rise to the level that someone needs to leave the house, it becomes hard to not share it with the world and sometimes the ensuing messiness that happens in the aftermath.
Queen of the mom bloggers, Dooce recently revealed that she and her husband have separated and while I have yet to see anyone speak nasty about the split, some have questioned whether or not she gave us more than we (the reading public) needed to know. I have seen many a reference to oversharing, call me crazy but anyone with the guts to share publicly about mental health issues probably is someone who is okay with sharing the general messiness of life. Part of Dooce’s success frankly is because she does share, most of us don’t, so when we read the parts that Dooce is comfortable giving it feels like overkill. Yet is it really overkill?
Now if you have a certain type of job or lifestyle, maybe there is a thing as too much sharing, hell I have been accused of oversharing on this blog. Yet you can trust that for what I do feel comfortable putting out for public consumption, there is more that I know is no one’s business. In the case of bloggers who rise to prominence by sharing their lives with us, not sharing actually is a lot harder to do. The thing is in the case of Dooce, she and her husband built their media empire, so it makes sense based off what they both have publicly shared that they reached the point they needed to tell the world they are taking a break. I imagine that behind the scenes long before they made the announcement that they were separating that there was plenty we will never know. Thus making claims of oversharing seem strange to say the least, yes in the post she wrote informing us they were separating she made reference to possible suicidal ideation but even that doesn’t seem terribly strange for someone who publicly has admitted struggling with mental health issues to the brink of hospitalization. I read her entire post less as a cry for help but more like, here I am.
Sure we live in a time when it appears that everyone is blabbing their business and yes those of us who blog often do share, but I believe in most instances we do know the line between what is fit for public consumption and what is not. The flip side for many of us who do share publicly is that often times we share because it keeps us honest and authentic. Personally the older I get, the more comfortable I get in my skin, the less I care about the judgment of others yet I do know that holding back can be hazardous to me in numerous ways.
So the next time you wonder is So and So oversharing, think more deeply….look none of us want to know the details of last night’s orgy yet truthful sharing about real life shit should never be made to feel dirty.
PS: I won’t bug you daily about this, but do consider helping send this blogger to a few conferences this year. Read more here, to date I’ve raised $100 in donations and still have a way to go. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.
Real life and traveling around the sun
This space may be quiet for a few days as I am busy celebrating another year of life, my actual birthday is on Monday but ya know how it is….a weekday birthday means weekend celebrations. It feels like a big one though it is not, 39 trips around the sun. My last year in my 30’s, I must admit the 30’s kicked me clear the fuck into adulthood, seriously, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I remember when I turned 30 and thought oh wow…30. Little did I know that my 30’s were about to make me realize what being an adult could entail. Never mind, before the age of 25 I had been married, divorced, remarried and had a kid. Nope my 30’s were like that shit was child’s play.
I have shared with regular readers in the past that it was mere months after turning 30, that my beloved mother was diagnosed with cancer. To add insult to injury, she died 6 weeks after my 31st birthday. If that wasn’t enough my 32nd year brought a second chance at motherhood but also brought the deaths of my grandmother and a dear family friend effectively turning me into the matriarch of my family at 32. And people wonder why I often sound so much older than my actual years, losing the elders in your family and essentially become one of the elders before you are 35 will age you. Being left with a father who is at times almost childlike when you need a parent, makes you grow up very fast when you realize you are home, that never again will you play the role of child.
Enough with the sad tales though, while I am busy enjoying this weekend and basically being the queen of the manor I was reminded yet again this weekend how the real lives we lead these days while different than 10-15 years ago is very much real life. I am speaking of those online/offline connections or what some think of as real life and online…no more do I confuse the two because at least for me they are all my real life.
Last night one of my very real friends, my dearest and closest friend in Maine surprised little ole me with a surprise party that featured some good twitter pals. I was surprised yet honored, my friend knows that I have a love-hate thing with my birthday and in recent years have talked of doing some special but I never get around to it. So you can only imagine my surprise when I found out what was up….twitter pals, you know the pretend friends actually left their houses on a cold blustery night to hang out with me. I chuckled to myself and thought of those I know who refer to online life as not real. Nope, all those around the table were very real.
The villages that we form in 2012 may not come from the traditional forms of village that we are accustomed to, but the digital village can allow us to make a new village if we are open to it. A village that is just as real and supportive as the villages of yesterday, sure there may be some fakers in the digital village but the offline village has been known to have a few deceptive souls too.
Anyway time to get back to my weekend, relaxation, relaxation and more relaxation….oh and crafting duty with the six year old tomorrow.
PS: I do accept gifts, or better yet donate to help a blogger catch a few conferences this year.
PSS: No pressure
Attachment parenting is killing the parents
Attachment parenting has gone from the fringes of a few parenting pioneers to almost being mainstream but somewhere along the way attachment parenting lost its way and has morphed into something that frankly is hazardous to families. See, certain tenets of attachment parenting have always been practiced among indigenous and minority families before it ever saw the light of day among predominantly white, predominantly middle class and above folks.
I had my firstborn in 1992 and while I would never have used the words attachment parenting to describe my parenting style with him, I actually practiced some of the principles of attachment parenting as described by API. We did co-sleep, not when he was an infant but actually in his toddler and preschool years when my finances as a then single Mama meant we could only have one bedroom. While I did spank a few times because that’s what my parents did to me, I quickly honored my sense that it didn’t feel right and stopped early on. Despite the fact that I shared custody with my ex-spouse and at times we lived 1100 miles away from each other and that there were significant periods of time when my son was with his Dad in Maine before I moved here, I always did what I could to ensure connection. Now at almost 20, my son will call me from college for heart to heart talks and when he is home, we will often stay up late talking and sharing. I admit I have a lot of regrets but in the end, he is a young man who is comfortable in his truth. As a parent, that is the end goal to raise kids who become adults who are well adjusted and comfortable being themselves and living their truth.
That said, by the time 2004 rolled around and I found myself pregnant again, thanks to a pesky midwife, I discovered the formal attachment parenting practice and well in a strange state, no mother, sister or aunts to guide me and no close friends nearby I fell in love with attachment parenting. The problem is at that point in time the attachment parenting that was being peddled in most books, parenting groups and forums no longer resembled the true principles of attachment parenting. Gone was the principle of balance, instead it was and remains common to hear stories of moms so steeped in attachment parenting that even taking a 15 minute shower is too much. Somehow to be an attachment parent means to never honor one’s self as an adult.
Attachment parenting as currently practiced by many is about breastfeeding (never mind that even the API acknowledges and supports attached bottled feeding, in other words hold the baby while feeding him! I bottled fed my firstborn and always held him), family bed and basically denying yourself as a woman and your partner. Too many times a frazzled Mom will ask advice of other AP moms around sex, since let’s face it if the kiddos are in your bed, gone are the long luxurious lovemaking sessions. Yet too many times that same Mama is told the baby is a baby and that you can have sex in other places, bathroom, and laundry room, wherever. It’s true you can have quickies wherever you grab them but the reality is if you spend the first 2-5 years of your kid’s life only focused on your child, it’s hard to step back into being a couple.
Shit…life happens and in order for any relationship to thrive and truly be stable it needs attention. The API page actually states “Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don’t be afraid to say “no”. Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself.” The sad truth though is that most practitioners of attachment parenting don’t do this and frankly attachment parenting is hurting families, let’s be honest it’s just killing the couple. I know because I speak from experience, my husband and I stopped sleeping in the bed together for three years following the birth of the girl child. Oh, it started so innocently but it turned out three in the bed was a crowd, then after the first 18 months my mental state was trashed from barely sleeping. It worked well for the girl child and for our nursing relationship but she was three years old before she would sleep alone without one of us with her. At 18 months, the man took over so I could sleep but because she was still nursing and nursed until I decided to wean her at three and a half; it still meant waking up at least 2x a night for nursing.
Damn near 4 years of no sleep, no true lovemaking and no time sans child unless we were working which while there was a period of time we used day care by and large our method of childcare was the tag team method. Great for saving money but bad for allowing us time for true connection as a couple.
Until recently I thought maybe we were just screwed up and had done something wrong, but in the past couple of years I have noticed that most of my friends who are divorcing and separating were also practitioners of attachment parenting. Now maybe they too just had fucked up relationships that had reached the end of their natural cycle, after all sometimes relationships end. Thing is almost every couple I know that has split up lived exactly as we did, little alone time, kid pretty much became the focus of their lives outside of maybe their paying jobs. By the time the kid hits that 4-6 mark and starts needing the parents a little less, the parents emerge from the AP cloud, looking at each other going dude, who the fuck are you.
Relationships need attention, kids need attention and love and respect but so do parents. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon this book and plowed through it over the past few days that it started to dawn on me that this seemingly great way to parent may be having serious repercussions. The author in the first half of the book describes couples who often after the kids arrival are basically cordial comrades, low conflict-low stress somewhat melancholy arrangements where on the surface things seem fine but below the couple is not really a couple. In many cases the kids arrival especially in families where there was intense focused parenting turned couples from being couples to two people with a shared goal of raising a kid. Not that there is anything even wrong with that but for most of us that is not what we signed up for.
However we have let a parenting style be taken out of context and reduced it down to a few trendy sound bites that frankly suck. Being an attachment parent does not and should not mean you as a parent forgo your own needs…remember on the plane when the flight attendant instructs that in the case of an emergency you put on your own mask before you assist anyone else. We need to bring that piece about balance back into attachment parenting and quickly. Showers and sex are needs that should be met if they are desired; otherwise the way things are going now, attachment parenting is no longer good because it does not benefit the family as a whole. Families are made of parts and babies and kids are an important part but they are a part and all parts deserved to be looked after.
